(Obviously this question is geared toward people who celebrate Christmas.)
For those have young children with geographically dispersed families, do you travel for Christmas or do you always have it at your own house?
For context, my wife and I have a toddler and live in NYC. My parents live 5 hours away by car, and my brother and his family live about 1000 miles away. My wife’s parents, siblings, and extended family are all NYC / tri-state area based. Another wrinkle is that whereas Christmas at my parents’ place is an epic downer–not festive, not especially fun and frankly rather austere–my wife and I are very festive around Christmas time, as is her family in general.
My wife and I have an overriding preference for celebrating Christmas at our own home, especially now that we have a child who’s about to be the age where she can understand and appreciate what Christmas is all about. I’m just trying to understand if that’s an unorthodox or unreasonable position to take, because my parents seem to be operating under the expectation that everyone ought to come to them for Christmas since, after all, they have a large house capable of hosting everyone.
Welcome to one of the fifty gazillion ways having a kid makes life more complicated.
It sounds as if you have solid reasons not to go to your parents’ for Christmas, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for refusing to. Be sure to invite them to NY, though, and be sure to offer up a sacrificial holiday in exchange.
We do my husband’s big family Thanksgiving clusterfrack every year so we can enjoy the peace and dignity of Christmas at home.
We drive about 3 1/2 hours for Christmas at my in-laws.
When I was a kid we always had Christmas at my grandparent’s house. As Dad was in the military that could mean anywhere from a 4 hour drive to a two day road trip. The only year we didn’t get to my grandparent’s house was the year we were posted to Australia.
As a cool aside, when we were in Colorado Springs the Canadian General offered his plane for Canadians who wanted to go home for Christmas. What could have been a two day drive was reduced to a few hours flight.
We’ve always driven the 3 hours it takes to get to my mom’s house for Christmas - it’s a tradition to do it at her place because she’s always really made it magical for the kids. I’d say that if you can establish a new tradition and it’s not horrifically inconvenient for other parties, do it at your place. If your mom insists on doing it at her place, then try to liven it up a little. Or suggest an alternate holiday she can take.
For us, it has never been a question about convenience (then again, 3 hours is relatively close), but about what kind of traditions and memories are important to us. At some point, one of us kids will have to take Christmas on. It’ll probably be my sister because she has a way more beautiful house than I do and they really go all out. If creating those types of memories is what you want, I’d say advocate for your house. It’s still early enough and you could frame it as taking some of the load of your parents.
Ugh, I hate the annual parent guilt trip over Christmas. I can still remember the first time I ever floated the idea of ‘not coming home for Christmas’ when I was in my mid 30s, and my mother called me selfish.
We have since reached an equilibrium where we spend one year at my parents, the next at my SOs parents, and the 3rd year at home (we live about 2 hours drive from both, in different directions). This year we are at home, yay!
But what always happens, even if we’re at home, is that we spend several days on the road squeezing in visits to the folks either side of Christmas Day. Luckily we get the whole week off work for this expedition.
This is in the UK, so your experience and associated guilt is by no means a uniquely American one.
We do Christmas with my family (on the other side of the country) every other year. Both families get a shot at Christmas, and we don’t have to spend a small fortune on airline tickets every year.
We did our baby’s first christmas (living in NYC coincidentally) with grandparents and did first thanksgiving with other grandparents. And we made a decision, NEVER again. It is just not worth traveling with kids during the busiest worst travel days. If grandparents want to see the kids, they can travel to see them. Not fear of playing favorites or other guilt.
We’ve been able to shape the holidays to celebrate as we wanted to as a new family. And we’ve had grandparents and aunts and uncles come visit us. Holidays in NYC are awesome! People will come to you.
Dutch here, the land where a two hour drive is considered a very long drive indeed.
We live in a remote corner of the country. All parents are divorced, some have remarried.
Mother in law lives abroad, so no Christmas visiting. She visits about twice a year and stays for a long weekend. That is nice and relaxed.
My dad lives near, but doesn’t do Christmas. He might just work, or be away on travel or on some invitation by friends or fans.
My mom lives two hours away, and we have a deal where she gets the family at Sinterklaas (big gift-giving holiday on Dec 5th) and in exchange, has no demands on Christmas.
That leaves husbands’ dad and his new wife. They are both at the height of their careers, have aging parents, adult children and new grandchildren. Busier then us, they are. They like having a grand Christmas dinner at their house, but they might just as easily skip a year.
So, it’s Christmas with me, the kiddo and husband. We do have a tree, Christmas trees I like. But I don’t go overboard with decorations. It’s a fine line between decorations and clutter. Dinner: nah. Guests: none, everyone is with their family. Energy: probably none left, after the mad rush to stock up on groceries and get the work done before the holidays. Collapsing on the couch: yeah, probably.
Start your own traditions and do Christmas at home. Visit when you can, but grandparents can come visit you.
Personally, every bit of guilt you give me for not joining you for “Christmas” is another piece why I don’t want to go! And traveling with small children is difficult anyway, at Xmas when everyone is busy and the roads are crazy is even harder.
We have the dubious advantage of having Thanksgiving the month before Christmas, though, which can either be a bargaining chip (we’ll visit for Thanksgiving OR Christmas but not both) or a double dose of guilt, depending on your family.
In my family Thanksgiving was the bigger deal family-togetherness-wise so individual family units could get a break from travel at Christmas, or use that holiday to see their in-laws.
We have a five year old son. We travel from San Francisco to Chicago every Christmas to visit my in-laws. They don’t travel, so it’s the only way my wife gets to see her parents, and my son gets to see his grandparents on that side.
We’ve been doing that since he was a little baby, so we’ve gotten used to traveling with a kid. And actually, that’s not the only travelling we’ve done with him. We’ve gone on lots and lots of plane trips with him.
It can be a hassle, especially when he was a toddler, but for us it was worth it.
Oh, and to echo what others have said, we go to my family for Thanksgiving. That’s closer, so sometimes we drive, other years we take a short plane ride. This year we’re going by Amtrak (Coast Starlight). Should be fun!
Yep. We got guilted into the 6-hour drive to my paternal grandparents’ place every year when I was a kid (every year was possibly someone’s “last year,” and they held us hostage with it for nearly 15 years, during which everyone stayed alive and healthy), which meant my brother and I missed out on things at home (parties, dances, etc.), while our cousins, who lived less than half an hour away, weren’t even required to show up while we were there because they “were too busy with their social life.” My parents finally took a stand when I was in HS and told them they could come to us if they wanted to see us, but we were taking a break from the insanity of traveling and staying home.
It took two Christmases for the grandparents to realize they meant it, and they came to us in alternate years.
Sure! We live in NYC, have a 4 year old, and every Christmas drive 8 hours to western NY for holiday festivities with my family! We actually make that trip fairly often, and one of the reasons is that I like to give my city kid the opportunity to do other kinds of activities up in my hometown.
We still decorate and do all sorts of city Christmas things, so I feel like we’re enjoying lots of aspects of the holiday in our own home, too.
But, it sounds like what you are really asking is: Do you travel somewhere that is not fun and depressing, or stay local for things that are fun and festive?
So no, I would not travel if my destination wasn’t fun and festive for all involved. Although I understand that “it’s too hard with a small child, sorry” is kinder to say to your parents than “your Christmas celebrations are dull and a hassle, sorry” so that is a white lie that I find excusable.
We live in Maryland. My family’s in the DC area, and hers is in central Florida. We alternate Christmases between north and south, traveling by plane for the south Christmases.
The Firebug has been traveling by air since the age of 1.5 years, when we brought him home from Russia. He’s now 8 years old, and he’s a good traveler, always has been. He likes going down to Florida and seeing his relatives down there. So traveling down there with him isn’t much harder for us than it used to be before we adopted him.
My wife and I have put a halt on travelling now that we’ve got 3 kids, a house big enough to host a couple of families, and we’re within 2 hours of both sets of grandparents. It’s easier for grandparents to come to us than for us to go to them, and (like you, OP) I want my kids to have memories of Christmas in their own house.
When we only had 1 and then 2 kids, and we were 6-8 hours away from grandparents, and we lived in a townhouse (military housing), we made the trip every year. So while I’m sympathetic to the difficulties of travelling with kids, I’ve also got a chip on my shoulder having done it so much. One toddler and it’s only 5 hours? Cherish what you have!
That said, I did have to have a talk with my mom at one point when she complained that we were missing a Christmas. She started rattling off all of (her) major holidays from the previous few years – Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and where we were for each one. I told her that a) we were going to do our best, but we wouldn’t always see her, b) she wasn’t allowed to keep score, and c) when there’s an obligation to visit then the visit isn’t as fun. Things have mellowed a bit since then, probably owing to aging and not our little chat, but there you go.
My folks live a 4 hour drive away (5-6 if you’re driving with kids), two separate households. When they drive up to visit us, there’s no danger that they’ll have to spend the car ride listening to a screaming toddler. They don’t have to take time off work if they want a long weekend. They don’t need to pack the car full of the bajillion items you need to take care of kids (and I’ll only take argument on this one from someone with kids, because if you don’t have kids YOU DON’T KNOW).
My sister and her kids live in the same town as me, as does my brother, as do my in-laws.
We’ve finally declared Christmas a no-travel season, which makes things so much easier.
Thanks for all the responses so far. Sounds like refusing to travel for Christmas isn’t necessarily the norm, but nor is it a crazy or deviant position.
When my children were young we traveled from San Jose to Watsonville California. About 50 miles. WE are both from Watsonville. We would spend Christmas Eve at the ranch with my family also inviting her parents to join us. Christmas morning with her folks. some years we stayed in town and some years we went back out the ranch on Christmas. Loading all the gifts up and traveling with them. Keeping track of which gift belong to who after they were open could be difficult. It made the holiday a hard one.
One year someone suggested we get together on the third Saturday of December. It was great and a lot of fun. We would only open and exchange gifts from the extended family. so most of the gifts to my wife, kids and me were left home under the tree until Christmas. Another side benefit more of us could be there. Most of my family work for 24/7 business. Mostly nurses in hospitals or stationary engineers in an operating engine room. Before there was always a few who had to work and could not make it. It is hard to try and exchange a Christmas weekend watch with someone. But getting off the 3 Saturday in December. There was almost always someone willing to work for you. So most of us could be there. That weekend was a blast.
Now my kids are older and have kids and they want to have Christmas in their homes. My wife and I take turns on who we will be with at Christmas. And every once in a while my son who lives in KC Mo will come out to San Jose. Then everyone heads to our house and it get really loud.
After a couple of years of travelling 350km for Christmas with the family, and with the attendant dramas and shit that families offer, we decided that GOING CAMPING was a much better idea! Of course, Christmas happens in the middle of an Aussie summer, so our choices are greater!
