Splitting the holidays...

In My Humble Opinion
1

Okay, so mr. avabeth and I had a bit of a disagreement (i.e. fight) about the holidays last night. We were supposed to go visit my parents this coming weekend for Thanksgiving since his stupid job will keep us in town for Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, due to his stupid job, we’re not going.

So, I’m not seeing my family in my home state at all for the rest of the year (we live eight hours away). I’m not happy about this.

Then Saturday night, his mother asks what our plans are for Christmas. Now, we are spending Thanksgiving at his parents’, and had planned to spend Christmas Day, keeping Christmas Eve to ourselves. It’s our first Christmas as a married couple, and we wanted to have part of the holiday to ourselves.

I love my MIL dearly, but apparently, because my FIL’s mother and aunt aren’t spending Christmas Day at his sister’s, as usual, they will only spend Christmas with the family on Christmas Eve. So now we’re expected to go to his parents on Christmas Eve. Which means we’ll show up for dinner, and NOT make the 8 PM service at church, meaning I will take mr. avabeth to the midnight service, regardless of whether he wants to go or not.

When I broached the subject of staying home on Christmas Day to have part of the holidays to ourselves, well, we can’t do that either, because his family opens gifts. And they just don’t open them on Christmas Eve.

So of course, I suggested that perhaps his grandmother and great-aunt could come over Christmas Day, and all of us spend Christmas Eve at our respective homes. That got me a lovely “My mother isn’t going to change her plans around for you!”. (Which did get me an apology on the phone this morning for snapping at me…). I also suggested that we have his parents on Christmas Day for the afternoon dinner, which also was met with a no because ‘we don’t have enough seats’. Now, we do have a small apartment, but we do have enough room for the four of us in the living room.

What I don’t understand is that his parents get us for BOTH major holidays this year. Am I being a brat to want part of Christmas alone with our new family? And do we just not count until we have kids? In other words, we can do whatever we’re told on the holidays because it’s only the two of us and we don’t matter because we don’t have kids to wait for Santa yet.

How do you handle this as a married or long-term couple? I don’t want this to be a point of contention for years to come, but I also want to establish some sort of tradition for us NOW so that when we do have kids, we aren’t dragging them all over the place on Christmas to meet everyone else’s demands. We want our kids to spend Christmas at home with us, instead of driving all over kingdom come.

Any suggestions? Tell me how you handle this issue.

Ava

2

Yikes, is there any chance that you might be able to go see your parents alone for Thanksgiving?

I know quite a few couples whose parents live pretty far away and they generally spend one of the two big holidays (usually Thanksgiving) away from eachother and with their own families and then spend alternate Christmas’s at one parents or the others.

I also think that you are well within your right to expect that either Christmas Eve or Christmas will be for the two of you and family may have the other day. Let him decide which day is which though.

From the sound of the OP, it seems reasonable that you could spend Christmas Morning (The important part of the day) together and then head back to his family’s place maybe on Christmas evening, so he doesn’t miss out on opening presents :confused: How old is mr avabeth, anyhow? It may be time to have the “Opening presents on a firm schedule is not the most important part of Christmas” talk with him. :wink:

3

Sigh. We have Christmas Eve for ourselves.

We’re not married, but we’ve been together long enough.

I would just as soon not see my family at all, but they’re kind of insistent on these things. So we split it as best as we can. It sucks either way.

4

The key to happiness in our family was to separate visiting from holidays.
We decided right at the first one that we would always have holidays local and try to travel at other times.
We’ve never regretted that, especially whenever the TV news reports all the holiday congestion at airports on holidays.

5

Ah, the joys of living out of state. It looks like we’ve gotten luckier than you guys in two respects–both of our families live in Kentucky, while we live in North Carolina, so there’s no expectation of us staying “home” to be with one side and not the other, and most of his family stuff is on Christmas Eve, while most of my family stuff is Christmas Day. This is our first year to try and juggle the families, too; the first year we both went to our own families for Thanksgiving, and stayed here for Christmas, since he had to work and the wedding was in five days. Last year I had to work on both holidays, so going home wasn’t an option anyway.

By luck or design, all the marrieds in my family spend Christmas Eve with their inlaws, then come in for Christmas Day. My brother and his wife will come to Mom and Dad’s very early Christmas morning, we’ll open presents and have breakfast, then we’ll all go to Grandma’s, to open presents and eat lunch with the extended family. Not being home for Christmas Eve means I miss the big do at the other Grandma’s, but I see almost all of that side of the family Christmas night anyway, and I can go visit her the day after. Dr.J’s family does their extended family thing on Christmas Eve, then opens presents within the household Christmas morning. Being across the state at my parents’ house bright and early means he misses breakfast and presents with his parents and sister (and I guess her new fiance this year). The only real problem is that about our only time alone together this Christmas will be in the car. Maybe we can stop for gas and exchange gifts by the light of the neon signs. Won’t that be romantic and spiritual? :smiley:

Of course, we don’t have the burden of worrying that we’re establishing a pattern that will haunt us the rest of our days, because we’re moving back to Kentucky next year which will relieve a lot of the distance-related pressure, and because he’ll almost certainly be working some Christmases or Christmas Eve’s until he retires. We’ll just have to figure out the holidays on a year-to-year basis, depending on whether or not he’s working and when. Our families already know and accept this. They might not be overfond of it, but they understand.

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to want some time just for the two of you. It’s also not unreasonable to want to spend some part of one of the major holidays with your family. In fact, I’d be inclined to go visit my family this weekend without him. I also think the comment about his mother not changing her plans to suit you was entirely uncalled for. Not just the snapping at you, but the sentiment it expresses–it’s basically saying that what his mama wants is more important than what you want. After all, aren’t they basically asking you to change all your plans to suit Grandma and auntie? What makes them so much more special than you are?

You’ve suggested lots of compromises, and he’s shot them all down. I’d be inclined towards a clue-by-four right upside the head, followed by a calm discussion of what your boundaries are, what options fit those boundaries, and which of those options he prefers.

6

Well, right now we get dragged in about sixteen different directions during the holidays. Unfortunately, I know that as long as my two grandmothers are alive, my husband and I will never get to spend any part of Christmas alone. It’s usually Christmas Eve with one grandma and usually out to the in-laws’ after that, Christmas morning at my mom’s, Christmas afternoon (usually only an hour or two, if we can make it) with the other grandma, and then it’s off to the in-laws’ to spend the rest of Christmas day/evening. I hate to say it, but I’m actually a little bit thankful my husband’s grandparents have passed on. I don’t know what we’d do then. Have a nervous breakdown, probably. In our case it wouldn’t make a bit of difference if we had kids. They’d still all expect us to come.

I hate to cause a rift between you and your husband’s family, but they (and your husband) need to realize that your family is just as important as theirs, and you need to spend some time with them, too, as a couple. They also don’t need to keep doing the same traditions with your husband now that they did when he was 6. I know it’s hard to let go, but they have to do it someday so that you and your husband can start your own traditions with your children (someday).

7

To the first question, unfortunately, no. I start a new job on the Monday after, and it wouldn’t be a good idea to drive 8 hours the day before, you know? We had always planned to spend Thanksgiving here, next weekend was supposed to be the way we ‘went home’ for the holiday.

And he’s old enough to know that, but he’s also an only child:). Until we got married, it’s always been him and his parents on Christmas. I kind of feel like the evil daughter-in-law who wants to take their son away from them.

Heh - well, he really was being sweet this afternoon and apologized nicely, then said that he was being a jerk about Christmas, considering everything that I’ve given up so far. But the clue-by-four is sitting in the bedroom just waiting for another attitude problem:).

Believe me, if anyone’s going to cause a rift, it’ll be me. The initial plan was to have Christmas Eve here with a special dinner, then church, then over to his parents around 10 or 11 on Christmas morning. But since we’re ‘required’ to be there on Christmas Eve, I’m pushing to have Christmas Day here. I know we don’t have kids yet, but we rarely have a day where we don’t have something going on. We’d like that day to stay home, spend Christmas with our cats (who are our kids right now), and not have to GO anywhere.

His main problem is that he doesn’t know how to say no, and especially not to his parents. We need to work on that.

And in the meantime, I’m still not thrilled with missing my weekend at home, but my mom’s coming out in a few weeks.

Ava

8

I suggest you eat it (as much as you can, anyway) this year. Then next year make a very clear statement on how you’ll be spending your holiday. If they give you a hard time, tell them you spent the LAST one to please other people and this year you’re doing it to please yourselves.

We run ourselves ragged trying to get all the holiday visiting in. Luckily, his family does Christmas eve and my family does Christmas day. It’s better than years ago, when I had to do THREE entire family celebrations. Including whole meals. It was ghastly, I tell ya.

Be strong, little buckaroo! You will need to set the tone for your holiday celebrations as soon as you can.

9

We ran into a similar situation last year (our first Christmas together) - his family ALWAYS spends Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together. My family lives a couple of hours away from his family - I have little nephews - his family doesn’t have a younger generation yet - it was important to me to be with my nephews for at least PART of Christmas morning.

We compromised - spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my family, and then sped over to his parents’ house and got there around noon on Christmas Day - so we were there for the dinner, and for Boxing Day fun.

I wouldn’t do it that way again - EVERYONE felt short-changed, and we felt pressured to be in two places at once.

So this year we are spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with his family, and Boxing Day with mine. Next year we will probably do the opposite, and just alternate it that way.

I would LOVE to have Christmas Day alone at our own home, but, not being super-close to most of my family, I’m really enjoying his large, happy, loving, fun family so any chance to be with them is something I look forward to.

Good luck …

10

Oh, boy.

Ivylad’s mother used to cook herself silly for Thanksgiving and Christmas. About four years ago, Ivylad informed her that we were having Thanksgiving at our house, and asked what she wanted to bring. Caught off-guard, she agreed. Ivylad’s sisters and I wanted the fun of cooking for three days straight and making a nice big meal for our family, so we’ve rotated Thanksgiving amongst all of us. This year it’s my turn again, and I’m going to try brining the turkey this year.

Christmas morning we open presents at our house, then drive over to Ivylad’s mom’s, open presents there, then hit my dad for dinner and more gifts. We’ve done that for the past several years and it’s worked out fine. About eight years ago Ivylad’s mom insisted we all spend the night and wake up at her house Christmas morning. There was not enough room to sleep eight adults and (then) four children, two of them babies, so we’re sacking out on couches and air mattresses, while Ivyboy decides to wake up at 3am and sit talking with Grandma and Daddy.

It was a rough night, I think I ended up crashing on the floor in one of the back bedrooms while my BIL and SIL hit the beds, and we never did it again.

It’s whatever works for you, not the family. Holidays are stressful enough, and you don’t want to spend all your time in the car driving.

11

Don’t know how much help this will be, but when we first got married, all holiday dinners except Christmas Eve were at my house ( that one was at my aunt’s). After we had kids it continued- all the kids woke up in their own beds Christmas morning without having to leave until after noon. I didn’t have to split the holidays between my family and my husband’s- we just had his (adoptive, it’s important later) mother come at the same time as my family. If he had had three siblings and in-laws and nieces and nephews, that might not have worked

Now everyone has had more kids, my husband’s biological family found him and he developed relationships with them, and it’s difficult to get my wheelchair bound father into and around my house, so things have changed. A lot. I liked it the old way better.

12

That’s what everyone said about our wedding, too. Somehow, I have trouble believing it after that experience :smiley: .

Stainz, the funny thing is that I come from the big, lovey family. We’d either spend holidays at home in Virginia or in Florida for big family Christmases (my dad has three brothers and a sister, my mom has two sisters and a brother). So the Christmas mornings of my childhood are always full of people (and the Santa Claus in shorts on the fire truck who’d make the rounds of my grandparents’ Florida island and throw candy to the kids on Christmas morning). Eventually, I want to share that with my own kids.

But mr. avabeth is an only child who isn’t close to his cousins like I am (my cousins are just extra brothers and sisters to me). So while I love spending time with him and his parents, things are very quiet. And if we’re going to have a quiet holiday, I’d like to have a quiet holiday with just the two of us and the current ‘kids’ (cats). And since it’s our first Christmas together at all (we were in a long distance relationship till last January, and weren’t able to be together Christmas Eve or early Christmas morning last year), we want it to be special.

Ugh. We’re discussing it tonight. Hopefully, we’ll come to some sort of conclusion. I’ve already informed him that HE is telling my mother we’re not coming this weekend. It’s got nothing to do with me, so it’s his responsibility.

As far as Christmas, we’ll see what happens. I get the feeling someone is going to be upset.

Ava

13

I cringe when I think about what will likely happen after I get married (luckily I still have the hurdle of actually finding a girl to marry). Here’s the deal:

I’m in Chicago. My dad is in the Quad Cities. My mom is in Tulsa, OK. My mom’s birthday is Christmas Eve. My dad’s birthday is December 27th.

Ugggghhhh. This year, it’s my mom’s turn to have me for Christmas, so it’s Tulsa from Dec 21st to 26th. Fly back to Chicago, sleep. Get up early on the 27th and drive back to the Quad Cities so I can spend as much of my dad’s birthday with him as possible.

14

This is one of those things they don’t tell you to talk about before the wedding, but they should. It’s very important to get this all settled as early as possible, and to set a precedent of having time of your own for some of the holiday season. My ex-in-laws (notice the ex? thats significant) insisted on having two x-mas trees, and two sets of Santa brought presents and stockings when we lived in a duplex(they had the downstairs flat, we had the upstairs, it was supposed to be how we would save for a single family house when they retired, but it didn’t happen that way). My ex (an only child) refused to stand by my side on this issue when I told him it was too much, and we were getting spoiled brats. They were involved in every tradition I tried to build as a just us moment. It was miserable. This of course was just a symptom of how I was generally treated by that family, and it’s no surprise that I wasn’t able to create a family of our own with no support. I’m not saying it will be as bad for you. But don’t let extended family (either one) overule your own family unit.

15

You’re not. And they need to understand that you have a family, too. As well as the fact that they are not going to get to see you nearly as frequently as your in-laws get to see the two of you. I’m sure they’ll understand; they’ve been married a long time, and they probably went through the same thing themselves.

16

I think my family must be strange. We usually just pick a weekend near Christmas when everyone who wants to be there can be, and then we get together and have fun.

Last year, my father died close to Christmas and my mother was whisked away afterward, so we all got together sometime in mid January. That’s unusually late, but we’ve never really stressed the whole calendar thing.

My husband’s family is in Kentucky. We try to avoid visiting over Christmas.

17

You’re not. I had the same feelings when Mr. Kat got out of the army and decided it would be cheaper to live and go to college here in the Midwest rather than his home area (West Coast). The out-laws will never understand that I was probably more disappointed than they were - I wanted to get the Hell out of Dodge, so to speak. But he’s the baby and very much the favorite, and when the goldenspawn doesn’t do what Ma and Pa Kettle want, well, he obviously can’t be blamed, can he? It must be Kat’s evil influence. Depending on the parents, I imagine this syndrome exists in onlies, too?

However, if you do get the label pinned on you, just revel in it. It’s easier than worrying all night for weeks about “why do they hate me?” It might be harder if you’re geographically closer to them than we are to his, I guess, but that’s my experience.

18

My family has a Christmas celebration two weeks before Christmas. December 11th, this year, as I have seven aunts and uncles who all have spouses and multiples of kids, so no one has to worry about this part of the family Christmas Day.

My family always did it as such: Thanksgiving is done on our own, with some special times (like this year) when my mom’s only brother is coming to see their new house. Christmas is done extended before, and just with the family on the day of. (two days of presents for the little ones, too, adults do secret santa).

Ardred and I have Thursday Thanksgiving at his house, Friday at my parents. Same with Christmas. My brother lives four hours away so he does Thanksgiving with her family (81 first cousins) and Christmas with just the two (now three) of them, and he’s not a consideration as to what day we actually “do” Christmas.

Use that as you will. :slight_smile:

19

My boyfriend and I each go to our respective family homes on Xmas Eve and Day, and also Thanksgiving. Our families live around two hours away from one another (we’re in the middle, but a lot closer to my parents). It “helps” that my parents can’t stand him and I really don’t like his parents. I’ve never spent Xmas with my boyfriend, but neither of us is a big Xmas person anyway. We usually exchange gifts on New Year’s Eve.

20

We usually begin discussing this around about September each year, and it takes us MONTHS to reach a conclusion that both of our families hate equally. :smiley:

We live about five hours from his family, which is a close knit everyone-lives-within-a-ten-mile-radius-in-this-small-country-town kind of family. Thanksgiving is always at grandmom’s. Everyone always goes to his aunt’s for Christmas Eve dinner, his mom’s for Christmas breakfast, and his grandmom’s for presents and Christmas dinner. As far as I can tell, everyone else who has married into the family has been absorbed into this - I don’t know when they see their own families (though they’re all locals, so maybe the squeeze an hour in here or there). However, I really like all of my in-laws, and I have to admit that these make for a pleasant (and very traditional) holiday.

We live about three hours from my family. My family is very unconventional (my dad’s a vegetarian, for instance, so no turkey on Thanksgiving). My parents are also divorced, so there is an additional layer of negotiations to get through. Complicating matters is the fact that my husband can’t stand my mother (I don’t blame him) and is very uncomfortable around my step-mother (ditto).

This year we settled on Thanksgiving with his family (leaving on Wednesday and coming back Friday morning). Then I will go see my family by myself Friday night to Sunday evening, and fit my high school reunion in at the same time.

Christmas we’re still debating. He has conceded that it would probably hurt my family’s feelings if we spent it with his in addition to Thanksgiving, but remains reluctant to spend another Christmas at mine. He made the offer to invite my mother and his mother both here for the holidays, but I’m thinking that it would be a receipe for disaster. We considered going to my grandparents, who are about an hour from my family and who my husband does like, and using that as a springboard, but they usually spend the holiday traveling so I’m reluctant to bring it up to them. Personally, I’m lobbying for staying home alone on Christmas Eve and Day, and visiting both families earlier in the week for a couple of days each.