My family is fighting over me

The BBQ Pit
1

That might sound rather poignant, except that I’m 24 years old, not some little kid :stuck_out_tongue:

My parents have been divorced for 10 years. Normally, my brother and I spend Christmas eve with my dad and his family (we all get together at my aunt’s house usually) and Christmas day with my mom’s family, at my gradfather’s house. This works out well because everybody gets to see everybody on Christmas.

…Except this Christmas. I got a phone call from my aunt explaining that my dad has been suffering from severe back pain. He needs an operation on his back. He is due for an operation December 20th. However, he is a stubborn old guy and if left to him, he would probably drive down to San Jose, either while he’s recovering :eek: or he’ll just postpone the operation a week. My dad’s family doesn’t want him to do this. So what are they going to do?

They want to bring Christmas to my dad’s house. They wanted to spend a rather low-key Christmas at my aunt’s house, then drive over 200 miles with the rest of the presents and food up to my dad’s place in Northern California. My stepmom won’t have to worry about cooking because we’re bringing all the food, mostly already prepared I guess, to her. That way my dad can recover without having to drive down here. This is a really nice gesture. However it throws my own schedule out of whack.

I’d like to see my dad on Christmas day, but normally my brother and I see my mom that day. I explained the situation to her, and she didn’t even care about my dad, she just wanted to spend the day with us like she always does. :eek: I couldn’t believe how callous my mom was about the whole thing- my dad could be pushing up daises and my mom would be jealous we were at his funeral instead of seeing her :mad: Additionally, my younger brother, whom my mom still has visitation rights to, normally spends Christmas day with my mom. But it is extremely likely he’s going to want to spend that day with my dad (he lives with my dad). So that means my mom wouldn’t get to see either of us on Christmas.

Right now I live with my mom. So in many situations, it is prudent to humor her, because it is simply too unpleasant to have her all pissed off and passive-agressive when I’m sharing the same space as her. Ordinarily if I lived on my own I would do whatever I wanted, but since I live with her I feel kind of pressured to spend Christmas day with her family (Since if I went to my dads I wouldn’t see my mom’s family at all that weekend).

I feel like I’ve been thrust in this really unfair situation, no matter what choice I make, I am going to be upsetting one family or another. I’d feel guilty if I wasn’t there for my dad when he was recovering, but I’d also feel guilty if my mom had to spent Christmas without being with us. I really don’t know what to do! :mad:

2

I know exactly how you feel, and it’s a tough decision to make, that unfortunately, no one can make for you.

IMO, you should make the decision that YOU feel best about. The holidays are about family, and shouldn’t be about having to choose one side over the other, but it always seems to end up that way, doesn’t it? Either in-laws vs. parents, or mom vs. dad in divorced families. It’s something that a lot of people go through every year. I think that you should make your decision and then tell your mother and father exactly what your plans are and why. They need to understand that you are trying to take everyone’s feelings into consideration and trying to make an adult decision about the whole thing.

Maybe you can suggest to your mom that y’all have Christmas a little early, or late? The DATE isn’t important.

3

Out of curiosity, is there some particular reason he can’t let his wife drive him down on Christmas? Presumably, if he’s released from the hospital, he’s okay to ride, just not okay to drive. I mean, if she isn’t capable of driving, that’s not an option, but if she’s okay to drive and he’s okay to sit upright for 3-4 hours at a stretch, I’m not entirely sure what all the tooroo’s about.

And is there a specific reason your dad’s family has to make the trek on Christmas day rather than Christmas Eve, when they normally get together?

Not to defend your mother not caring if your dad lives or dies, but I certainly can’t fault the woman for being upset that she might not get to see either of her kids on Christmas. Especially when there seem to be other options available. She’s in kind of a no-win situation, here. If she smiles and nods and says, “Oh, you should be with your dad at Christmas” she doesn’t get to spend Christmas with either of her children, which has to suck ass. If she puts up a fuss, she’s the evil bitch who doesn’t want you to see your sick father at Christmas. There’s no non-shitty option for the woman, so I’m inclined to cut her at least a little bit of slack.

And you know, you don’t have to choose between being there for your dad while he’s recovering and spending Christmas with your mom. I mean, he’s going to be recovering before and after Christmas, too. If your whole family except for your dad will be in town at Christmas, I’d be inclined to go see him that Sunday instead, especially if your mom’s family isn’t local. But it’s not my choice. As Jaade said, only you can make the decision.

It’s a hard choice to make, I know. Juggling families at the holidays is awkward at best, especially when there’s a big distance involved. My parents live about 4 hours from my inlaws, and we’re 10 and 7 hours away from them respectively. It’s doable, but everyone has to be willing to make some concessions. I kind of get the feeling neither side of your family is real big on concessions, but they’re eventually going to have to get the fuck over that. After all, you’ll most likely eventually have a serious relationship, and your SO’s going to have a family, too. You’re not always going to be able to see everyone on the day itself. It sucks, but everyone might as well get used to the idea.

4

Not always though. When my mom had surgery, she wasn’t allowed any non-essential car trips (such as doctor) for four weeks after her surgery because sitting up in the car would put pressure on her still healing body that could cause sutures to open.

That meant that even being a passenger in the car was off limits, according to the doctor.

5

Ain’t juggling divorced parents just so much fun?

I second Jaade’s advice: make your decision and inform your parents. Mom may get upset, but she’ll get over it, especially once she has a chance to think about it, and about how it means you’ll make special accommodations for her if she ever falls ill.

This year, figuring out family stuff has been like a five-dimensional logic puzzle:

-There are three kids in our family, each of whom is married or has a long-term SO.
-Each SO has a set of parents; one SO has two sets.
-Our parents are divorced, each with a spouse.
-One kid won’t talk to dad, but will be at the same house as Dad. That house cannot be his.
-One kid is vegetarian, one kid eats fish. Mom is Atkinsy. Everyone else is pretty relaxed on food issues.
-There should be one big meal that everyone is at, and ideally two smaller meals with more intimate gatherings.
-Arrange this family over the course of three meals (Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas Brunch, and Christmas Dinner) so that all requirements are met. Arrange menus.

once you’ve done that, add to the mix that:
-The house you’ve arranged the big dinner at may or may not have carpet being installed over Christmas, and therefore may not be useable.

Weeee!
Daniel

6

I feel your pain.

I too am 24, and though both my folks try really hard to be open about stuff, the holidays have become very stressful for me; just knowing that I’m probably disapointing somebody. I also live about 20 mins from my mom, while dad’s five hours away now.

CrazyCatLady, you’re right about mom being in a no-win situation, but the situation is not really about her, and she ought to realise how tough it must be for Incubus, and take the high road; tell him she’ll miss him if he’s not there, but will understand if he feels he needs to go. Heck, he’s 24 years old; I know many many folks that age who don’t get to see either parent for the holidays at that age due to prohibitave distances. She’s going to need to at least be moderately accomidating about holidays in general; he’s not a little boy any more. That combined with the fact that some of the mom’s insistance is probably because he’s talking about spending the time with dad instead of her leaves me with little sympathy for her (with regards to her response to Incubus).

7

If you have a car, why not go up to your dad’s on Christmas eve then drive back home on Christmas day? If your mom is going to get in a big snit because you show up home at 12 instead of 7am, that’s her problem. Or you can spend Christmas eve and morning with mom, then head up to dad’s later in the day.

You’re young, you can handle a 5hr trip for a holiday.

8

Treat your family just as you would on any other day, Christmas be damned. It’s not a good idea to compromise just because its Christmas. It sets a bad precedent that family members can throw some guilt at you and get you to jump.

If dad is being an idiot about his health (something my father did and it literally cost him his life, the nitwit) because its Christmas, make the point with him that it’s too bad. Get the operation and you’ll see him when its appropriate and not before. If mom is acting the jealous prat, tell her she has nothing to be jealous of as you’ll be spending Christmas in Vegas/at the beach/in a bar.

The point being, you can spend in ordinate amounts of time and energy coming up with a reasonable and rational solution to this problem, only to have it thrown in your face. If your family won’t be reasonable, make a point (one they are clear on) that you will not be spending any time with them if they continue to act this way. You won’t change them and they likely won’t give you kudos for making this decision. But you will be able to claim a bit more self respect than you would with the alternative. Christmas is just another day. Spend it how you want to.

CJ

9

This is probably what I will do. I will visit my aunt Christmas eve, spent the early part of Christmas day with my mom’s family, and leave in the late afternoon/early evening to drive to my dad’s place. One concern I have is that I will have to deal with nightmaric amounts of traffic getting out of, and back into the Bay Area.

Fortunately I don’t have work until the following monday afternoon. So I could drive up to my dad’s Saturday night, stay there all day Sunday, and come back hom Monday morning. I am a little concerned about the traffic factor, but at this point that is only a delay and not a barrier.

I really try not to take sides in these matters, because I don’t want to feel like my actions are dictated by the manipulations of my family. But situations like this oftem make me feel like I have to force my hand in the matter, no matter the backlash. In a way, I’m upset at both sides in this situation- my aunt suggested I ask my mom’s WHOLE FAMILY if we could celebrate christmas together on a different day (you gotta be kidding me! :eek: ) and my mom doesn’t think my dad’s inability to make it to San Jose because of health reasons is an excuse for me not to spent Christmas with her. I almost feel tempted to spent Christmas with somebody ELSE other than my parents, just because I wouldn’t have to worry that my decision was forced by anybody :mad:

10

Eonwe, if his dad’s family seemed to be the least bit flexible, I’d be right with you. But they don’t. They made these plans knowing full well what a monkey wrench this would throw into his holiday schedule, and rather than saying, “Well, if you can’t make it because we changed the date, we understand,” they’re trying to get his mother’s family to rearrange their whole holiday schedule to accomodate them. In short, they seem just as hellbent on making this diffcult on him as Mom does, so I’m not willing to brand her as the only butthead in this little scenario.

Like I said, both sides need to learn to play nicely and share.

11

Incubus, how do your dad and step-mom feel about this plan? Please tell me someone’s asked them.

Consider that he’s likely to be really, really tired and grumpy and perhaps in pain, and may simply want to be left alone to sleep. I mean, back surgery’s usually pretty invasive (although you didn’t say what procedure) and there’s just no way to get comfortable for a few weeks. If he’s in surgery on the 20th, unless it’s outpatient, that means he won’t be coming home until the 22nd at the soonest - and to suddenly have to play host (yeah, I know your aunt’s doing her best to cook so they don’t have to, but in your own home you still feel the need to be a host) three days after getting home from the hospital sounds like a bit much.

Not to mention that your step-mom is going to be cleaning frantically in preparation for guests while her husband really needs her to sit still and hold his hand and move his pillows around.

WhyKid had back surgery this summer, and I told my friends and family, as nicely as I could, that I love them very much but they could NOT come over for two weeks after he was home from the hospital. I just had too much to do playing nurse, and he wasn’t in the mood to be social, anyway.

Otherwise, make your plans as you see fit. Just bite your tongue and DON’T point out to your mother that getting a divorce wasn’t your idea. I learned the hard way that this does not go over well. :smack:

12

WhyNot, I am equally curious about the details here :stuck_out_tongue: My mom called my brother to talk to him, and talked to my stepmom. From what my stepmom says, they are planning on driving him down to San Jose. :confused:

I don’t know if my dad’s family is doing this as a surprise or what…it will be impossible for them to KEEP it a surprise though because I still wanna talk with my dad about what the heck happened to him. Nothing seems to be set yet, so I don’t think I’m gonna make ANY decision where I’m going until they tell me what they are DEFINITELY doing.

13

This bites, Incubus. Take what I’m going to say in the context of one who had to play the ‘wishbone kid’ of divorce from the age of five on. (It really became fun when my sister and I married. The invasion of Normandy was a snap compared to the torturous logistical planning required for the average warm-family-holiday.)

You didn’t cause this situation and you can’t solve it. Don’t tie yourself into knots trying. I’m far from impressed by the depth of your mother’s devotion to Christmas. As far as I can determine she’s more determined to score points than actually observe the event. The actual day of observance doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. Making other people stressed, guilty and annoyed does. I’m annoyed that your undertaking a long drive in madhouse holiday traffic has somehow been blown off as inconsequential compared to placating overblown sensitivities.

Your mother’s demands aren’t reasonable, kind or in the spirit of the holiday. She probably won’t recognize that, but that’s her problem. Sooner or later you may well have to cultivate the Flat Statement of Serial Celebrations, e.g. “I love both of you. Dad’s my parent too. I can’t be everywhere at the same time so this is what I’m going to do…(X) That way we’ll all be able to have a good holiday together.” Then just politely state your plans. If she–or anybody else–can’t roll with it, that’s out of your control. You can only do your honest best.

Pointless but sympathetic anecdote: For years I drove the 900-mile round trip “home” for Christmas to make my mom happy. One year I left after work, already frazzled, but got caught in a killer ice storm that blanketed the entire midwest. Nothing was moving on the interstate, not even salt trucks or cop cars. Everything was coated in a thick sheet of ice. At 3 a.m. I finally literally slid off an exit and–miracles!–found a motel room. When I called mom to tell her I was safe but wouldn’t be able to make the remaining 300 miles, she threw a hissy fit. Yep. I wouldn’t be home for Christmas! The Holiday Would Be Ruined! Guilt, reproach, tears, the full nine yards. Somehow or other I thought being alive and uninjured sorta trumped that but hey, faulty perspective I guess. That was my turning point for tough love for holidays.

Veb

14

Once you decide what you are going to do, present it to them as “This is what I have decided to do…” It’s best to start early letting everyone know that you are not going to beg for approval. It’s okay to let them know that you tried to consider everyone’s feelings as best that you can. Don’t you dare feel guilty!

15

Thanks for all the support, folks.

…and the timing of the whole thing couldn’t be any worse! I’m halfway through the LAST finals I may ever need to take in school and they drop this bomb on me! I do not need to hear that kind of news at the moment! :mad:

16

Concentrate on your finals, Incubus, and don’t ignore building in some rest and downtime for yourself. You aren’t responsible for everyone else’s emotional well being, not the least because you don’t have any control or even effect on it anyway.

Big Holidays can weird out even the most grounded people. All that symbolism and meaning can get shunted into seriously delusional channels. Just take care of what you need to do right now: study, get enough sleep and finish up your finals. The sturm und drang will grind along exactly the same no matter what you’d do, so don’t give it head room. It’s like worrying about gravity, y’know?

Everyone’s who so upset right now about The Perfect Christmas is (gasp!) an adult. Y’know, with the capacity, experience and responsibilty for maybe pitching in their bit of kindness and altruism too? Their overwrought drama isn’t your ‘emergency’ to handle. To extend your metaphor, they pulled the pin on a grenade and tossed it at you. You falling on it wouldn’t help anyway. At most you’d be scored as collateral damage to prove somebody’s point. It hasn’t exploded yet so just politely toss it back.

Good luck and don’t let it get to you, Incubus. Sometimes ‘winning’ amounts to not playing at all.

Veb