Stop Trying to "Guilt Trip" Me

The BBQ Pit
1

Well, it’s the holiday season and of course things are mucked up.

For many Christmases past, we have spent Christmas Eve at my mother-in-law’s place and we do Christmas Day at my home. My mother, sister, her kid and her new husband are always invited to all affairs.

But…we don’t exchange gifts with my Mom until Christmas Day. She comes earlier than everyone else and we exchange gifts then.

For most of those years my Dad and step-mother invited myself, husband and kids to join them for the holidays, but we always stayed here.

Here’s the situation. Dad and step-mother have moved up here (finally!), built a beautiful new home and are hosting Christmas Day. We are ALL invited, and this includes my mother and mother-in-law. We are still spending Christmas Eve with mother-in-law, and my mom is going there too.

However, 30 freakin’ years after the damn divorce my mother still harbors resentments. She wants me and my family to come to her house on the 21st and exchange gifts. She told me, “Your sister and her husband are driving in from Bremerton; there is no reason you can’t come in from Puyallup.” She further stated, “Well, there is NO WAY I want to exchange gifts at your Dad’s house!” “I just can’t do that there”. To which I replied, “Well, we can exchange gifts at Betty’s on Christmas Eve.”

Well this went over like a turd in a punchbowl. “You haven’t been to my house in a year and half! You NEVER come here. Your sister and her husband are driving 30 miles and you won’t drive 10?! Sniff, sniff. This is so hard for me. Sniff, sniff.”

Well, Mom, here’s the deal. I HAVE been to your home recently. No, I don’t stay long because you bitch about how I never come over. When I do come over, I or my husband become repair people. You keep on bitching about how I never come over and try and sound so pitiful. You are an adult. Act like one!

Guess what. I will NOT be “guilted” into anything. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I have a husband, two kids, two pets, a job, and a house. I leave my home at 6:15 in the morning. I don’t return until 6:00 at night. My weekends are used for cleaning and errands. Yes, we entertain our friends a lot. I also like to UNWIND and enjoy myself on the weekends. I deserve it! I work hard. My friends don’t “guilt trip” me either. You drop by here most every weekend on your way home from work. We chat, and I listen to you bitch about your job, and how I never come over.

I’m sick of it. I’ve told you this before. If you can’t be pleasant and not gripe the whole time, I don’t want to hear it. I’ve got woes of my own and I don’t dump on you. I don’t mind once in awhile, but EVERY FREAKIN’ TIME?! No, it gets old.

So, bottom line. December 21st isn’t Christmas. You’ve pissed my husband off. You’re pissed and “hurt”. I’m sure you’ll be moaning to MIL (they’re good friends), and I’m sure we’ll hear from her about it too. My kids love their Grandpa and Nana and I will not ruin Christmas for them. We’ve NEVER spent Christmas with them and it’s THEIR turn DAMMIT!

2

How is my mom in two places at the same time? Can she transcend the laws of physics?

BTW, is she Jewish, like mine?

Oy I tell you.

Anywho, stick to your guns and things will work themselves out…in a year or two when her feelings recover form all of the pain and suffering you’ve caused her!

:slight_smile:

Sam

3

Nope, Mom isn’t Jewish. She’s Bavarian.

As for her “getting over” it. That won’t happen. She’ll store this in her file cabinet of “hurts” and haul it out every year. Remember, in the OP I stated she had been divorced for THIRTY years and still harbors resentments.

Don’t get me wrong. She, my Dad, and my stepmother all are pleasant to each other, but my mom holds on to grudges a LONG time.

Ah well, I TRY not to let it get to me, but everyone once in awhile, I just get fed up. I love her dearly, but she is difficult to be around.

4

Your mom sounds like my mother-in-law. I am so sorry to hear that. We are sick of it too, and I swear to Pete, one of the days I am going to have to stab her in the eyeball with a cheese knife.

I admire your resolve. Stick to your guns about this - you won’t regret it. Just the same, good luck! You might not want to be “guilted” into anything, but I doesn’t sound like she wants to stop trying.

5

Sorry to hear that Taters. My mom eventually gets over perceived slights and is manageable.

Sam

6

Me too except it’s Jewish holidays and my Dad who holds the grudge for over 30 years. Unlike my sisters, I quit putting up with that shit fifteen years ago. It was liberating beyond belief.

Haj

7

You should do what your mother wants, just once this year, she is your mother and she gave birth to you (probably endured some pain in doing so). After all, it’s just this one thing and it is only 10 miles.

I mean, it is only a few hours out of a whole life.

8

Ah, the holidays, where adult children try like hell to split themselves in two (or three or four or five…)

Tell her what you’re going to do. Calmly and politely. If she starts to moan, say, “I’m sorry you feel that way…gotta go bye.”

This is supposed to be fun for you too…don’t let them get to you.

9

Ah – but it’s never “just this once” is it, Taters? Give in “just this once” and next year mom will say - “sure - do it your way.” In a pig’s eye she will. It’s always been, and always will be, give in “just this once”, and the time after, and the time after. It’s not give in on only this one thing either. It’s always going to be - “give in on everything or you don’t love me.” Not that I know your mother, Taters, but I do know mine.

10

County, I thought about giving in, however, my husband isn’t willing to. He’s had enough too. The fact that I was highly upset after the phone conversation with her concerning the 21st, really upset him.

It’s not the distance, it’s not even the amount of time, it’s having to listen to her bitch. It’s the hurt expression on her face as we leave, it’s a lot of things. My OP may have sounded selfish. Looking at it again, it portrays me as the whiner, who is cold and selfish. There isn’t enough room to list everything that makes this so difficult for me.

I appreciate the fact she gave birth to me. She also raised me and my sister on her own from the time I was in 3rd grade until I left home. In beginning, I watched her NOT eat so my sister and I could eat. She did many other incredible things for us. I am extremely grateful for all she has ever given us or done for us. I love her dearly and can’t imagine life without her.

By the same token, I’ve done what I could to help her out. Financially, painting her home, fixing things, setting up things like VCRS and stereos, mowing her lawn, pruning her trees, hauling debris away, any number of things. I don’t begrudge it and look at as a daughter’s duty. I am happy to do it for her.

I do see her often, and that is why this is an issue for me. I don’t appreciate being berated for not calling enough or seeing her enough. I’ll be 40 this spring and I am not a child. I have also made a life for myself and my family. I am not a person that needs to be constantly surrounded by people or extended family. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my family, I just value my privacy and time to myself. My father is the same way. I’m happy with the person I’ve become and I’m sure I still have growing and changing to do. I like myself (most of the time) and because of that I can like or love other people more. My mom and I are different people. We view life from different perspectives. It’s something I’ve learned to accept and it’s something she needs to learn to accept.

So, I probably won’t give in, and I’m sure my husband has no intention of doing so either.

11

\

They call that enabling where I come from.

12

Been there done that. My father died when I was seven and my mother had to raise me alone. She reminds me at least twice a week. My husband and I tried to do everything we could for her but it’s just never enough. She’s going to bitch no matter what we do. I’ve been married 28 years. My mother still brings up the fact that the first Memorial Day we were married we put a flower arrangement on my father’s grave that cost $2 less than the one we put on my mother-in-law’s. She never forgets nor forgives.

Just keep smiling and reminding yourself it’s her problem, you done the best you can, and you have nothing to feel guilty for. Please enjoy a nice holiday with your dad, and don’t give in to her.

13

Try saying to her: “Mom, the best present you can give me is to KWITCHERBITCHEN!! So thanks for the invite, but no thanks.”

You might want to rephrase that into something a bit more respectful and less Pit-worthy. The particulars are, of course, up to you.

14

Sounds like she keeps her holiday ornaments and grudges in the same box and unpacks both at the same time.

I have no advice to offer.
My ex’s family used to keep grudges in their pockets… within easy reach!

15

Sounds like you have the Festivus Airing of Grievances well in hand–how are the Feats of Strength coming along?

And yes, I feel for having a dysfunctional family–there’s a reason my sisters, my mother, and I haven’t been in the same room in 20 years.

16

Are we related? Your mom sounds just like mine. Only mine lives 3 hours away and expects me to jot down there every weekend like it was across town. She use to do the guilt trip until she found it worked just the opposite. The more she whined and bitched…the less I talked to her. If she started in, then I remembered I left a pot on the stove and it’s boiling over…gotta run. Thanks for calling! When she calls now, there is no whining or bitching…it’s more of how are we doing.

People can only take advantage of you, IF you allow them to. This goes with over bearing mothers that try to quilt trip you into something you had no desire to do.

17

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by gobear *
**Sounds like you have the Festivus Airing of Grievances well in hand–how are the Feats of Strength coming along?

I really like that response.

With regard to the OP.

Ok, I was just giving you a hard time. The professionals will tell you that if you want a relationship with your mother that you can live with, well, you have to establish rules (your rules) and boundaries (your boundaries) and stick to them. That said, maybe your mother can live with that, maybe not, but you might want to give it a shot cause then you can maybe get rid of some of that guilt. (This is my opinion only - I have no credentials other than several decades of life)

18

Thanks all for the words of encouragement. Well, the day came and went…and NO…I did not give in.

However, she called on Saturday evening and asked if she could come by and drop off her presents to us. Sheesh!

I told her to go ahead and come on by. I didn’t argue with her, and I listened quietly to her kvetching about her job and everything else. Actually, I never argue with her, when she’s getting to me, I let her know it. I won’t put up with it, especially in my own home.

She very wisely did NOT bring up the fact that I chose not to come to her house on Sunday.

I don’t think were a dysfunctional family (denial?), she’s just…well, she’s just “Mom”. Some days I can put up with her, others I can’t.

Believe me, I more than let her know when she’s crossed the line, and for a while, she’s good. When she crosses the line again, I let her know again. I have no problem standing up for myself, my family, or putting boundaries in place. Sometimes, I just feel kind of sorry for her and let her go on and on. Her life hasn’t been easy and I always try to take that into account. I guess she then feels she has and “in” and takes advantage of it. It’s rare that I let it happen, but when I do, it’s like trying to stop an avalanche with my bare hands. She knows she crossed the line and she’ll probably be good for awhile.

She doesn’t understand the fact that I and my family pretty much do our own things. Her family is back in Germany, so she looks at things with a different point of view, in terms of “family time”. I, on the other hand, have all the family near, and for those of with family “in town” we know what a pain that can be sometimes.

I was stressed in the OP. She got to me dammit, and I let her. I’m over it; unfortunately, she’s not. Oh well, it’s her problem and sooner or later she’s going to have to deal with this whole family thing. She can participate or not; it’s her choice, and I’m not going to push her one way or the other.

We’ll see what Christmas Day brings.