As some of you may know, I am an omnipotent space alien. My mom got me the planet Earth for my 8th birthday, and said if I can demonstrate that I’m a responsible space boy and can take care of this little terrarium, she’ll get me a space puppy for my 9th birthday. (Conversion: one space alien year = a bunch of earth millennia).
So my birthday is a coming up and I’ve noticed that while I wasn’t paying attention, the pesky little human infestation has gotten really bad! There’s gotta be almost 7 billion of those suckers! I was going to see if I could just scoop out and flush most of them down the space toilet, but that seems inhumane. I figure I might have enough time for an aggressive sterilization program to bring the infestation down.
Okay, okay, I confess… I’ve already flushed the entire Chinese military, Denmark, and all the humans in Florida. (But I feel bad about it.)
But anyway, by 2095, the population in the U.S. will be reduced by 30%, China reduced by 50%, and New Zealand will be empty so I can hang out there. Saudi Arabia will only have about 40% of its current population left, and Brazil about 50%.
Out of curiosity, is this gonna mess you up socio-politically or anything?
Okay, so… people who text while driving, anti-vaccers (with a quick polio epidemic I could speed things up too!), people who clip their fingernails in the office, people who talk during movies, and… Texas?
Will you do specific people, or just those that fit a general pattern? I’ve got a short list I could forward. If it’s the category or rule thing, then it would be something like “Breathing while being dumber than a coffee cup”.
One of the people on my list will include “and any and all offspring”, so that we can nip one nasty infestation before it propagates any further. Will that be a problem? You’ll have to hurry on this case, though - they breed like rabbits!