My human spay/neuter program

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

As some of you may know, I am an omnipotent space alien. My mom got me the planet Earth for my 8th birthday, and said if I can demonstrate that I’m a responsible space boy and can take care of this little terrarium, she’ll get me a space puppy for my 9th birthday. (Conversion: one space alien year = a bunch of earth millennia).

So my birthday is a coming up and I’ve noticed that while I wasn’t paying attention, the pesky little human infestation has gotten really bad! There’s gotta be almost 7 billion of those suckers! I was going to see if I could just scoop out and flush most of them down the space toilet, but that seems inhumane. I figure I might have enough time for an aggressive sterilization program to bring the infestation down.

Okay, okay, I confess… I’ve already flushed the entire Chinese military, Denmark, and all the humans in Florida. (But I feel bad about it.)

But anyway, by 2095, the population in the U.S. will be reduced by 30%, China reduced by 50%, and New Zealand will be empty so I can hang out there. Saudi Arabia will only have about 40% of its current population left, and Brazil about 50%.

Out of curiosity, is this gonna mess you up socio-politically or anything?

2

Hang out, eh? So…um, how big are you in relation to us, in Twilight Zone terms? Big like “Stopover in a Quiet Town” or more like “The Little People.”

3

In 2095? Won’t make a bit of difference to me.

4

I know Skald. I’ve shared threads with Skald. You, sir, are no Skald.

5

Hmmm… not sure. In Marvel terms, kind of like the Beyonder, I think.

6

I’ve already been spayed. I can has treat now?

I volunteer Warren Jeffs and all the men who were his willing disciples. Most of them have reproduced by now, but better late than never. I also nominate the Quiverfull people.

7

No, see, you’ve got to be more targetted with it. Use rules, like, you only get spayed if you fit one of these categories:

  1. wear a wife beater and have a mullet

  2. wear a hairdo more bouffant than Dolly Parton

  3. refuse to drink any beer that isn’t imported

  4. spend four hours or more a week on Fantasy Football

  5. toss lit cigarettes out your car window
    (I’m sure other Dopers will help you out with appropriate criteria.)

I have a little list, they never will be missed…

8

Skald didn’t have any adorable space boys, so no, he’s no Skald – he’s better! :slight_smile:

9

The ones that are 18 and older are buff and wear body glitter!

10

Huh, I guess aliens have twinks, too!

I’m IUD-implanted, so I’ll join in the chorus asking for treats, as well.

The Florida thing, though… That’s really going to mess up Fark. They’ve got a whole category for Florida-related weirdness.

11

Okay, so… people who text while driving, anti-vaccers (with a quick polio epidemic I could speed things up too!), people who clip their fingernails in the office, people who talk during movies, and… Texas?

12

But seriously, if over the next 80 years or so, the population of China and Saudi (assuming oil is still a big deal) dropped drastically, how would world power shift around?

13

[befuddled general zod]

Why do you say such things, when you know I will kill you for it?

[/befuddled general zod]

14

Will you do specific people, or just those that fit a general pattern? I’ve got a short list I could forward. If it’s the category or rule thing, then it would be something like “Breathing while being dumber than a coffee cup”.

One of the people on my list will include “and any and all offspring”, so that we can nip one nasty infestation before it propagates any further. Will that be a problem? You’ll have to hurry on this case, though - they breed like rabbits!