Well, I for one wouldn’t blame you if you did leave because he decided to stay 300lbs and unable to keep up with you. Just because y’all were both overweight when you married doesn’t make it wrong to ever expect your spouse to change for the better. It’s no different than any divergence in values. But before it comes to severing ties, as a married person, you need to do due diligence in saving your relationship.
I agree that individual counseling might be helpful. The therapist may give you some tips on how to communicate your needs and expectations to him in the most supportive and effective way.
First of all, I agree with the recommendations to talk to a counselor about this. You’ll be able to get more into the nuance of your relationship talking to someone face-to-face.
My wife was diagnosed with early onset dementia six years ago, so I’ve wrestled with some of the same questions as you. What do we owe to our partners and what do we owe to ourselves? I think there is truth to the idea that we did sign up for this even though we didn’t know exactly what we were signing up for. However, I think we signed up with a partner who agreed to support us as well. That doesn’t mean everything has to be split fifty-fifty, but that each spouse has promised to do what they can to support the other. If your husband won’t do what he can to support you, including things like losing weight to ameliorate health issues, then he is the one breaking the vows.
Nicely said, Steve. Though nothing like dementia, my wife is a Type 1 diabetic and at times her blood glucose (or, BG) has unexpectedly crashed and she is suddenly unable to respond or act rationally. On top of that, she has had two organ transplant operations, so she will be on immunosuppressants all her life. In winter cold weather she has caught infections. Between the BG crashes and suppressed immune system we’ve been to the E.R. more times than I can count. It’s pricey, even with insurance.
There’s more but I don’t want to derail the thread. As I said upthread we each decide, every day, if we will stay with our spouse / significant other that day. Our vows meant something when we professed them, but there are circumstances when leaving is warranted. It is nice having a partner in life. In a recent Wall Street Journal article, dealing with loneliness takes a serious toll on individuals: The Loneliest Generation: Americans, More Than Ever, Are Aging Alone - WSJ
Rachel’s husband refusing to correct his situation could be tantamount to him breaking his vows.
While therapy is good, we’re all armchair quarterbacking this when you’re up to your armpits in the worst part of a situation that has him disabled.
Have you, in a respectful and calm way, talked to him?
We yell and rave at the closest people in our lives in a way we would NEVER do to anyone else.
I guarantee he’s having issues with this. I was in a wheelchair and crutches for 6 weeks after a motorcycle accident and it took very little effort at all to feel hopelessly overwhelmed at the loss of function.
Perhaps you need a break from the support, perhaps you need to, with your spouse, tackle the problem, not each other. It’s you and him against the problem. At least for now. And that should be part of the conversation so he’s aware of the potential endgame.
He needs to know that the situation, in part caused by his health, is harming the marriage. Your job, as spouse, is to give him the ability to get to a point where the marriage is more equitable.
Because it doesn’t sound like the issue is irreparable (like a debilitating disease where there’s no out.) and it may be nothing more than a frank conversation between equals, and a break from the burden on your part.
“I’m here for you…for now…but this situation is harming my relationship with you and I need your help to fix it.”
I just wanted to point out that this is not a simple thing, and I would hate to have my marriage being threatened by a requirement to get a specific result like this. The husband should be “rewarded” not for losing weight, but for maintaining whatever behaviors they have decided together are within his control and likely to be helpful. Otherwise it’s just setting him up for failure.
I agree that it’s not a simple thing. When I wrote “do what he can to support you”, I was thinking of behaviors that are within his control. I should have been more explicit that the losing weight thing was an example and not a specific requirement for Rachellelogram’s husband. Every couple has to come to their own agreements on what support they provide each other.
Look, that’s fine to say, but let me ask you this; who’s breaking the vows first?
It’s easy to say Rachel is. But at the point he gave up on his weight and decided to just give up on his own health in his thirties, didn’t her husband kinda break the agreement?
When I got married I did not for an instant think that the better-or-worse clause meant that my wife was stuck with me even if I decided to let myself go. Can a husband gain 150 pounds and still say to his wife “you’re breaking our vows if you aren’t into this?” 300 pounds? What if he stops bathing? Takes up smoking? Does drugs? Starts wearing T-shirts with vile racist slogans on them?
Now, I am not for an instant suggesting every couple should look like Bradley Cooper and Olivia Wilde got married, nor would I deny we all put on a few pounds as we age and even if we’re in shape don’t look at 50 the way we did at 30. Heck, Olivia Wilde looks her age, whaddya gonna do? But there’s a point at which I’d argue that someone has de facto given up on their responsibilities as a spouse, and it’s possible Rachel’s husband has done that.
Steve points out that this line lies around at a person’s capacity for control, and to what extent Rachel’s husband is presently on control of this I do not know. It might be that given he in in the midst of a series of surgeries, 2019 might not be the big year for weight loss. But I’d hope there’s some intent there to try to fix this - first and foremost for his own sake, because 320 pounds is fucking enormous and he’ll feel a lot better just by virtue of losing some weight, but also because Rachel signed up to be his wife, not his nurse.
IMHO, everyone changes over time. Expecting those changes to comply with what you prefer, however, is a fool’s errand. The only person for whom one can control the direction of change, or expect to, is themselves. There is an old bon mot that goes something like “A man marries a woman expecting her to never change, a woman marries a man expecting she can change him. Both are wrong.” There is some truth in that…
I and my wife are of the “marriage vows are inviolable” camp. In our case, we did promise for richer/poorer, sickness/health, etc. and both fully intend to abide by that. In the case that one or both spouses violate the vows through specific actions/behaviors, the marriage may be rightly considered to be over. Those actions/behaviors should be talked about and agreed to before the marriage. Ours include things like infidelity, abandonment, etc., but nothing about physical changes. As always, YMMV.
So you discussed heroin and gambling addictions before your marriage? Or is that included in “health” and you’re willing to go down with the ship on those issues?
I’ve been married for 6 years. Not a super long time, I know. But I do know that we promised for richer and poorer and in sickness and in health. Three bits of advice were given to me when I got married that have still held true these 6 years.
[ol]
[li]Talk to your partner. You have to talk to each other, not just about problems but about the good things. This is how you maintain a relationship.[/li][li]You are on the same team. Keep that in mind when you are fighting. Your spouse is your teammate, not your opponent.[/li][li]Love is a feeling, but it is also a choice. Every day, make the conscious choice to love your spouse. Feelings are, by nature, fleeting. But your choice, you make that every day. [/li][/ol]
You know, I might be naive. And honestly, I’m not good at all these things. But we are still married, still loving each other, and still fighting on the same team. So that’s something, I suppose.
I’d go further and say that if partner A wants to leave because partner B is too far overweight, even if it’s a health not just a cosmetic issue, it’s just insulting everyone’s intelligence to say that’s justified because B is breaking the marriage vows. It’s A saying ‘this is the limit at which I’ll subjugate my own personal interests to a vow, so I’m putting the vow aside’.
The only possible way to condemn that is if A previously said he or she believes marriage is part of an absolute moral code that comes from beyond human beings. But if A believed that the whole discussion probably would not be taking place. And any would-be critic would still have to consider how they’d (really) act in the same situation before criticizing. But putting it on B’s supposed violation of vow is ridiculous, IMO.
The same point would apply in all the many threads on this board where people wail and gnash their teeth about all sorts of other ‘immorality’ by other people (usually with an ‘ism’ or ‘phobic’ at the end of it). If you believe there is a revealed moral code from beyond humankind you should follow it. If you don’t, I don’t see any reason to substitute ‘what most other people think’ for actual morality. Practically though it can matter what other people think (like the law and its penalties, not relevant here; or friends IRL who’d shun you for acting against their beliefs; etc)
So, the ‘moral’ aspect of this discussion is worthless IMO. If the person believed in a particular moral code wrt marriage they wouldn’t be asking. And if they don’t, why should they GAS what disembodied voices on the internet say?
The good advice though IMO has been not to act in haste or emotion about something this practically serious.
That’s two interpretations, and as others have mentioned, it sounds like you need respite. I know that’s easy to say and difficult to arrange. Are there any caretaker support groups in your area?
Congrats on your improvements and may the foot improve.
If he’s working from home (employed?) is there an option of disability insurance or other alternatives (ACA?) that could provide a caretaker for his some of his needs?
I think the general advice you have here is sound - if he loves you he would not want to be a burden, and you have to communicate to determine what is negotiable/vs non. I wish you luck…there is no right answer, but you’re reaching out to others - that demonstrates self-awareness and commitment to finding a solution, whatever that may be.
If there is something specific that you want him to do or consider or change, please be frank with him on that. You owe that to you both. Don’t assume he knows how you feel, and don’t assume you know how he feels. I’m sure he’s conflicted and struggling as well.
OP, I’m glad you went into more detail. If this were about weight and disability alone, I’d say yeah, talk to him about weight loss and doing more for himself, and get some respite. But when you add controlling and refuses to get counseling, that puts a different spin on this. By having you do everything for him, he really IS in control, isn’t he? Why would he want to change that? It also makes sense that he wouldn’t want to go to marriage counseling, which could potentially change the status quo, right?
It sounds like the confidence you’ve gained by losing weight makes you chafe against the control. And of course you’re not the same impressionable person you were in your twenties. I’d definitely consult a therapist to help you get things sorted.
I’m going to add my two bits as someone who has been both acutely ill and chronically ill during my almost 20 year marriage. I was paralyzed on my right side and spent months in the hospital at age 30, my wife was 25, and we were just past our first anniversary. If anything this made our marriage stronger and we worked together to make it better. I’ve been left with some chronic issues, but we deal with it.
On the other hand, I had a benign pituitary tumour that left me sleepy and impotent, but neither of us knew there was a medical reason and this put a serious strain on our marriage. Even once we figured out the issue and I was successfully treated, my wife was still resentful because the part of her that felt the pain couldn’t just erase it knowing there was a good reason. It’s taken a few years to get things back where they were.
I think we are of the “sickness and health” group and will work together, but you have to live with your own decisions.
Those are absolutely health issues, and curable (or controllable, if you prefer) ones at that. There would be 3 possible outcomes:
Both spouses work diligently together and cure/control the issue. A tough season of the marriage, for sure, but in the end all is well.
The “sick” spouse refuses to work toward a cure. This could fall under abandonment, as the specific issues you mentioned could have serious, continuing adverse affects on the entire family.
both spouses work diligently together but the issue cannot be cured/controlled. This is the gray area where we would have to determine the reason why a cure/control is not happening and discuss whether the marriage/family was so adversely affected that it could not continue.
Note that in none of the options does the “well” spouse not try diligently to help. That, in our minds, is a given. And yes, my wife would give the same answer, because we did talk about these type things - albeit probably not specifically drugs or gambling. we discussed alcohol addiction, for sure, as her father was an alcoholic. We tried our best to go into marriage with eyes wide open. People change over time and we would not commit to marriage until we both agreed how we would address those changes together - be they good, bad or neutral.
My wife stuck with me after a bipolar diagnosis and 8 years out of work after having a incredibly debilitating mental breakdown. I am now back in the workforce and mostly fine on medications - but she wouldn’t have forseen that then. The person she knew and loved as her husband essentially died that day and took a long time to come back from the dead.
She certainly didn’t “sign up for that.” Needless to say, my threshold for what a “good spouse” does when their SO becomes ill is VERY high. She could have left my ass and I wouldn’t have blamed her one bit. I will forever be in her debt.
He should work towards being as healthy as possible though.
Snerk You’d better tell that to the ~50% of marriages that end in divorce, I’m sure they’re dying to learn the truth and undo their “mistakes.”
Everyone’s given the mainstream advice, so I’ll just chime in with the devil’s advocate position: most relationships end (including marriages), and for a lot of those, there is often many years worth of unnecessary unhappiness for both parties at the end of the relationships, when they are essentially net-negative but people still truck along nebulously hoping for things to change for the better. Those years are wasted. You could be wasting those years right now!
If this relationship WILL end, and again, the odds are better than even that it will, it’s probably better to end it sooner, and skip as much of the relationship net-negative years as possible.
If the dealbreakers are things like being controlling, it’s not only unlikely that those things will change for the better, it’s actually fairly likely they’ll change for the worse as time goes on.
So, food for thought. By all means, explore counseling, or therapy, and have sincere meaningful talks…but if those aren’t going anywhere, there comes a time to cut your losses and run instead of condemning yourself to years of net misery.
Everyone seems to be assuming the disabled spouse wants the able bodied spouse to stay. That’s not necessarily the case.
In my relationship we have polar opposite views here. When my gf is ill, she wants me to pamper here. She wants me to check on here frequently, bring her soup, fluff her pillow, commiserate, kiss her forehead, etc, and so I do.
When I’m sick I want left alone. Ask how I’m feeling and I answer, “I’m sick you fucking moron, can’t you hear me coughing shitforbrains?” If I want soup, Kleenex, pillow fluffing, I’ll take care of it or do without. My gf knows this and so she gives me space. Come back when I’m feeling better.
If she were ever seriously disabled I’d be there for her. I love her. If I were ever seriously disabled I couldn’t handle having her as my “nurse”. I’d leave her. I know she’d be sad, but she would get over it. We have discussed this, and ideally I’ll go first and fast.