I’m the last one who should judge someone on their relationship problems, but it doesn’t seem like Rachellelogram has much love for her husband. If I had a fucked-up foot and I just needed to take a breather after walking for awhile, I would really hope my spouse wouldn’t find that off-putting or embarrassing or a sign that I was always going to be a miserable wreck.
Maybe I’m spoiled, having seen my parents make it work for 50 years. My mother has always dealt with chronic health issues that have affected her mobility. My father hasn’t had to empty any pee bottles (as far as I’m aware), but he has had to wheel her around in wheelchairs and do chores that she is unable to do. He’s had to rush her to the emergency room in the middle of the night when she won’t stop screaming from the pain. He has had to attend to her while she recuperates from the chemotherapy she takes for her disorder, and he has had to shell out thousands of dollars out-of-pocket to see that she gets this much-needed treatment. And he isn’t happy about any of it since he’s a human being. But he has stayed by her side the whole time. Not just because they are married. But because he loves the hell out of that woman.
Seems to me if a difficult foot injury is enough to make someone question their marriage, then they really shouldn’t be married. Because a fucked-up foot is pretty small potatoes compared to something like cancer or a severe back injury or any of the million other diseases that can hit a person in the prime of their life.
It’s funny how half the posts think you want out and the other half that you want to make it work. I am tentatively with the latter half. I think your OP made that pretty clear. So how to make it work. 300 lb is probably below the point that bariatric surgery is recommended (depending on height) but perhaps that should be pursued. I myself was above 280 at one point but have hovered around 200 since 2011 so I know it can be done. But it is not easy. It is harder when you are in a wheelchair, but there are exercises even so. I recall a photo Ambivalid linked to once showing him chinning himself attached to his chair.
As for helping around the house, that can and should be done.
The immediate post-op period deserves pampering, but after that, it becomes rehab and he needs to push himself to be mobile.
If he is on crutches, get him a backpack to put things in (with a plastic bag for his “pee-tainers”) Walkers can be fitted with a carry bag or tray. Get a bar-stool/chair for him to sit on in the kitchen for cooking and clean-up. Grocery stores have electric carts for shopping, he can come with you for together time. If he can drive, he can go by himself. Don’t bring him snacks-if he is hungry, he needs to get up and get them himself. If this is going to be a long term problem with his foot/mobility, he needs to learn how to function with it.
The ultimate answer to these types of posts is always, “Talk it out.” and “Get some professional or spiritual counseling together.” As I said in another thread where the OP is wondering why he’s sad sometimes, posting on a forum ultimately does nothing. It’s too easy to pick and choose what you want to read, accept or reject. You need a real live person to talk to. Ideally face to face so you can both adjust your conversation based on visual and audio clues, often subconscious and involuntary.
A lot of people, some I barely know, use me as a sounding board for their relationship issues. I’ll listen and give my opinions, but always end with, “Okay, now tell him/her what you just told me.”
The immediate post-op period deserves pampering, but after that, it becomes rehab and he needs to push himself to be mobile.
If he is on crutches, get him a backpack to put things in (with a plastic bag for his “pee-tainers”) Walkers can be fitted with a carry bag or tray. Get a bar-stool/chair for him to sit on in the kitchen for cooking and clean-up. Grocery stores have electric carts for shopping, he can come with you for together time. If he can drive, he can go by himself. Don’t bring him snacks-if he is hungry, he needs to get up and get them himself. If this is going to be a long term problem with his foot/mobility, he needs to learn how to function with it.
First off, welcome back! We haven’t seen you in a long while.
Secondly, congrats on your weight loss! I’m happy that the surgery has worked out for you.
Third, it sounds like you are going through a patch of conflicted thoughts and emotions and just need to process it all. I think it’s natural to feel this way sometimes during marriage, when life throws shit at one or both of you. So don’t feel guilty. Just don’t make rash moves while you’re in this state of mind.
Talk to your husband. Tell him that you’re worried about his health and want assurance that he will make certain lifestyle changes so that in the event his foot doesn’t heal, he can still be active and mobile. Tell him that you will support him in every way in making these changes, even if it means you have to change too. Because you love him and are concerned about his wellbeing. Then listen to him. Don’t bring up your newfound weight loss.
Opening up to him could be a start in feeling better about your situation. I get the sense that you are not communicating with him, and it’s adding to your resentment.
This is such bullshit for so many reasons. Adultery, abuse, addiction, lying, withholding affection and a whole bunch more are all perfectly valid reasons for divorce. But you know what else is a valid reason? No reason at all. People change, our desires change and that’s fine.
Also, how do you know what they said on their wedding day?? If you actually read the OP, she says “I did not…NOT sign up for this”. She didn’t say “I did not sign up for this”. Two different meanings. She’s obviously wanting to work on the marriage.
As for whether you should stay in your marriage, I’m not going to answer that because I don’t know either of you personally (that I know of). It’s something only you can decide. Sometimes, you just have to vent.
I was with someone for 30 years that was disabled - it’s not impossible. But there are two things (IMO) required for it to work:’
The disabled person needs to do what the person is able to do - there was a bunch of stuff my husband couldn’t do, and towards the end that list got longer. But he made a point to do what he could - if he couldn’t do the grocery shopping and the laundry (too much carrying) he could in fact scrub the bathroom, take care of budgeting, take the vehicles out to be maintained/fixed, pay bills, and so forth. If your husband winds up with permanent mobility issues that might mean using a cane, a walker, a scooter - but both to contribute what he can AND for his physical and mental health he needs to be as mobile as possible.
YOU need to make sure YOUR needs are taken care of - our society does a shit job of taking care of the caretakers, and there is an unspoken assumption the wife is willing to martyr herself and being a bottomless well of caretaking energy. It just ain’t so. You need time for YOU - to rest and recharge, to have some interests of your own, some time to yourself. It can’t be all about just one person in the marriage. I suspect part of your frustration/anger is that you’re exhausted from taking care of him
I’m reading replies and greatly appreciate the insights. I don’t begrudge the criticism. I knew going into this that it would be a polarizing topic. I don’t have anyone I can vent with IRL. I also know the SDMB has a fair number of posters in relationships with disabled people, hence the post.
My struggles with alcohol are improving. I don’t plan to return as a regular–forum posting is no longer a priority in my life. I’m on a literature kick. And I’ve been trying my hand at writing. Just for me, just for fun.
I’m delighted you came back and very glad to be proven wrong about the likelihood of your return - I owe an apology to nearwildheaven. Best of luck to you!
Enjoy your new interests, and check in with us whenever you wish.
If you thought my question was invasive, it wasn’t meant to be. I post-dived on you to see how long it had been since you’d stopped by here, and that thread happened to be the last time. And it is a big concern for some people who have had bariatric surgery and is nothing to mess around with.
Obviously, as with any couple’s marital troubles, the situation is more nuanced and the story longer than the meager questions presented in the OP. I was/am seeking advice on a couple specific parts that I have no experience dealing with (nor observing being dealt with in a mentally-healthy way, as the child of a broken home and two broken parents).
Suffice to say that my husband and I have both made each other into better people than we could have been alone–even when we argue, we always agree on that. We have both helped each other through rough patches from a medical perspective. If I hadn’t met him, I likely would never have gotten the surgery in the first place. Neither of us would have been motivated to achieve the levels of career/financial success we are currently enjoying.
At the same time, interests and life goals are diverging. He is and has always been fairly controlling. I am less malleable than I was at the beginning of our relationship (due in part, but not in whole, to the weight loss). He is not amenable whatsoever to any form of counseling. We talk past each other a lot. A fair amount of head-beating against metaphorical brick walls is taking place, in both directions. If things end, it’s not as simple as “chick loses a shit-ton of weight and ditches fatty.” But people will assume what they will when nuance is taken out of the equation, and the OP was simple for a reason.
Even if your husband has no interest in counseling there is no reason YOU can’t speak with a professional.
With recent troubles in my own life over the past couple years I was able to meet with a social worker who helped me a great deal both on a practical level (to secure new housing in an emergency) and also mentally (working through fears/issues/anxieties). Many ministers and pastors can provide counseling. If it works better for you/others you can just call it “advice”. If your husband has issues tell him you’re trying to see what resources are available to both of you (which is true) and speaking with this or that person is part of it.
I don’t have much direct advice, all I can do really is send you my best wishes, which, of course, I do.
Yeah, what’s up with that? Rachel, (good to see you again) sounds like the weight and the foot injury are red herrings and probably not indicative of the quality of your actual marriage. They’re stuff you’ve noticed that help you make sense of what you’re feeling. Strip all that away. What would you feel if you looked at him and he was fully functional and healthy? Is that a guy you’d see across a room and want to get to know? Does he seem to appreciate what you do for him, and that it is hard? Unless he’s comatose, there is surely something he could do to make your life better–does he do that much at least? Are you alone in your marriage?