I find this ironic in that I have just such a cat as your previous one, and I wanted a more aloof pet. If I wanted slavish devotion, I’d have gotten a dog. Instead I have a cat who thinks he is a dog. I hate being followed around the house and I hate tripping over the cat.
Can we set up an exchange?
hehe
I dint have pics loaded into photobucket, but I know the rules, so here ya go:
Lucky on the bed 1
Lucky on the bed 2
Lucky napping in his favorite place in the whole world: my lap
Lucky was a nearly-feral cat when I got him. He was unseen in my house for nearly 6 years, until 1 of my 2 girls passed away. (Really; I had 3 girlfriends that did not know or believe that I had 3 cats.) Then he started to come out. When my beloved Mao passed away, he suddenly turned into the most amazing cat: always talking to me, always sitting on my lap, always sleeping with me like he was a teddy bear. He developed a brain tumor in December, and I spent the next 3 months caring for him as best I could. Eventually, the tumor grew so large that Lucky was gone; there was only a shell left. The picture of him napping on my lap was taken just 32 days before he left me. I still miss my little buddy, but Heidi has done an admirable job of taking over his duties.
I’m sorry for the maudlin hijack, but I was just trying to show that even the most skittish, most stand-offish cats can be brought around.
OMG, Heidi is the most adorable calico!
singular1, don’t worry, relax, you got a lot of good advice on this thread. I’ve had cats all my adult life, and they do come with their various temperaments. In general, I’ve found that cats don’t like people to make advances too quickly. They like to choose the when and where they give their trust. The advice Snowboarder Bo posted about not trying to buy affection with food is excellent. Cajoling words and phrases and “good girl” with scritches work much better.
I feel for you, it’s hard to lose a beloved pet, and the temptation to try and replace him/her is tempting, but you can’t do it. Each cat is unique. Give the relationship with Lily a lot more time.
I wish we could size the smilies - a 17" :eek: would accurately reflect my face when I saw the number of replies to this thread this morning! Having so much good advice and positive feedback is just the icing on that tasty cake.
The notion of backing off the treats is a good idea, and I needed to have that driven home. I get a real kick out of her little pot belly, but I definitely don’t want it to be permanent. She was so scrawny when we got her, and once she was back in good health again she had a voracious appetite we were delighted to indulge. Now it’s time to get that belly under control. Mr. singular is convinced she lived under a porch without human contact until she was captured by the shelter, and that explains her appetite for food and affection.
I haven’t sung to her, but I do talk to her in a singsong voice and use her name and “good girl” and “little girl” a lot. I also take care to slowly blink at her when we watch each other (which is pretty often, actually), after reading that cats will interpret staring as a challenge is you don’t blink. I’ll start serenading her right away! I’m also curious to start your technique, El Cid Viscoso, but it’ll have to wait until she actually offers any affection to limit. Right now she’d rather sit in a puddle of water instead of my lap.
You’ve all offered me some hope, and I can’t thank you enough. I know she can’t replace my beloved Oops - she was such a unique cat, and I know there’ll never be another. I waited three years to get another cat, finding Mr. singular a puppy to keep him company in the interim, so it wasn’t a hasty attempt to substitute. I just wanted another companion, since Jake, the old cat, is more his cat than mine. That sounds weird, since we both love all our pets equally, but somehow the pets just pick their favorites and couldn’t give a hoot less about your feelings being hurt. I also have to confess to a preference for female cats - they’ve just always been a better fit with me. Of course the dog, being a dog, loves everybody and everything with impunity. (And it pisses me off that Lily lets him put her head in his mouth but won’t let me pet her! C’mon!!!)
Thanks again, everybody!
The dominant animal signals when he wants to play, and when he wants to quit. By quitting stroking first, you reinforce the signal that you are the dominant one, not her.
When I got Sabrina from the pound (an adult siamese), she spent the first year on my dresser. She ate and slept up there, and at some point when I didn’t see her, she’d climb down and use the litter box and go right back up. I think part of this was grief - she was taken to the pound when her humans had a baby - and part was fear of the many large dogs I have. After a year, she’d come done and butt up against me for head rubs. Now she loves to have me lift her into my lap (she won’t get up on her own), and be petted. And as soon as I get on my bed, whether to read or sleep, she’s the first cat by me and always curls up so she can touch me. And now she walks around and under the big dogs, very comfortable with them.
StG
How often do you play with her?
Y’know, now that I think about, I was irritated by the fact that Lily has once or twice got up on the couch next to my husband and sat beside him, lightly leaning against him. But he hasn’t tried to win her over at all. I’m willing to bet this is proof positive that what some of you are saying about not trying so hard. Now I just hope I can do it - I just want to hold her and pet her so much, it’s going to be hard to withhold what I so desperately want to give.
Don’t need to be the Drama Llama and you don’t need to compare her to the previous cat. Those are some big paws to fill and no cat will ever do that if you insist on it. You’ve got a new member of your family. Love Lily for being Lily and let Lily become the wonderful cat she’ll be instead of focusing on the odd little kitten she is now.
Oh, I do, I do. I’d be a fool to put Lily under that kind of expectation. I just want her to love me as much as I love her. At least now it seems that may have a chance of happening.
Well, there’s your problem. Her loving you is your idea, not hers, and no self-respecting cat is going to voluntarily do something that’s not her idea. It’s just not how they roll. Hell, my older cat won’t even eat something in the floor if I call her over to clean it up–she’ll studiously ignore it till I shut up for a while and go do something else, then saunter over and scarf it on her own schedule.
Making friends with a cat is like making friends with a toddler. You’ve seen people trying to make instant friends with a little kid by laughing and making funny faces and joking and generally being all up in the kid’s grille. And you’ve seen how the kid reacts, usually–they’re not having any, and the harder you push the more they pull back and shut down. But if you just kind of hang back, acknowledge them without gushing, and give them some time, they’ll come to you. Then you make a face, or poke 'em in the belly, and they’re yours. You hang back a while and then poke a two-year-old in the belly a couple times, you could feed that child into a wood chipper and she’d think it was the greatest thing ever.
It’s much the same with cats. They don’t like people chasing after them, physically or metaphorically. It freaks them out. But if you hang back and let them stay relaxed, their natural curiosity will impel them to check you out. Then you can make a very small overture.
As for your need to snorgle a kitteh right now, hie thee to a shelter and volunteer. There are lots of kitties there who would welcome attention and affection, and the extra socialization will help them find adoptive homes.
You are putting a need for emotional fulfillment on an animal that cannot and **will not ** ever perceive or respond to that need. I think you sort of halfway maybe understand that on a rational level. A cat can’t break your heart, because it cannot understand your emotional world or ever do an intentional act to injure it. It’s very unfair to a cat (any cat) to expect it to ever fulfill any of your emotional needs, or to claim it can create your negative emotions.
If you have a profound unmet emotional need, you need to deal with that on a human scale, with human tools.
Yeah, that’s helpful.
Don’t know why I was treating her like my little therapist.
:rolleyes:
Well, you did compare it to being trapped in a loveless marriage, used the word “need” a multitude of times, attributed motives the cat cannot possibly have, and displayed an inordinate grief over the cat’s failure to display human emotion towards you. So, yes, I believe somewhere in your head you DO want her to be your little therapist, and somewhere else in your head you know that’s crazy.
I don’t know why you’re rolling your eyes. Hello Again is absolutely right. I’ve been reading this thread, puzzled as to why everyone else was skipping over the obvious.
It seems pretty obvious that while you do want cat interaction, you are severely lacking in necessary human interaction too. The very fact that you mentioned your settling to being a “fat cripple” (feeling unattractive, low-self esteem?) in a loveless marriage in an op ostensibly entirely about a cat screams that you have (normal) emotional needs that can only be filled by other humans. The problem is that you’re looking to get them filled by a cat.
I’ve been in the same situation. I had trouble making friends when I was in middle and high school, and I was always lobbying to get a kitten or another pet (and usually successfully) but it never worked out the way I thought it would. I’ve realized in the past couple of years that what I really need is emotional connection to other humans, and that no amount of pets could replace that.
I think you’ll be surprised how easily you accept Lily for the limited interaction you get from her if you deal with the lack of intimate emotional interaction with other humans in your life.
Or maybe you know all of this, and that’s the reason for the rolly-eye, and everyone else sees that and is playing along. I don’t know. But if that isn’t the case, it’s something you should consider.
And of course, there’s nothing wrong with trying to improve your closeness with your cat. I hope you succeed. I’m not trying to dismiss that, just pointing out that that will only take you so far.
I am voluntarily lacking in human interaction, as I find it consistently disappointing. This has nothing to do with the fact that I’d like to interact with my cat the same way I’ve interacted with every cat I’ve ever had. Lily baffles me because I’ve never had an animal avoid me that way. I don’t want her to sit in my lap and discuss politics. I don’t think that if she sleeps next to me I’ll lose 80 pounds and my arthritis will heal overnight. If she let me rub her belly I don’t expect to enjoy the company of humans any more than I do now. Conversely, if I were suddenly best friends with everybody that I work with, I’d still feel bad when she flinches if I try to pet her. I rolled my eyes because Hello Again decided I expected Lily to make my life a bed of roses. I just want the little fart to purr, not bolt.
[Jon Lovitz] Is that so wrong?[/Jon Lovitz]
Yeah, the “I almost felt whole again” thing pinged my radar last night and made me think the OP had massively jumped the gun getting another cat shortly after the old cat’s death. But I couldn’t think of a way to phrase it that didn’t sound like I was dumping on her rather than trying to help, so I just shut my trap for a while.
When we had to put my sewing kitty down a while back, I barely stuck my nose in the craft room for almost six months–I just couldn’t handle it. Getting another kitty when I was still that raw inside wouldn’t have been fair to either of us because I would have wanted him to do the things Moo used to do, especially the whole sitting in my lap supervising the sewing machine thing. And it’s extra good that we waited, because it let me save this little guy. If he’d gone to the shelter, Tom would have had to put him down, because they just don’t have the resources to deal with sick and injured animals.
I have 2 cats - from the same litter. Diego looks Siamese (with white paws) and is extremely extremely friendly. He goes up to everyone that comes to the house, he follows me everywhere, he talks a lot and is endlessly energetic and playful. Loves laps, being held, pets, sitting on shoulders, he pretty much loves everything. I sometimes feel like I’m not enough for him - he needs a lot of affection/attention.
His sister Serafina looks like a blue-eyed tabby and she is his completely opposite. She is plump and quiet and terrified of strangers. Visitors rarely believe we have 2 cats. She likes me okay - she follows me around and occasionally will climb into my lap if I’m sitting quietly on the couch (if she’s in that mood, she loves to knead her paws on me, Diego never does that). She doesn’t really like to be picked up. She will dodge my attempts to pet her if she’s not in the mood, running under furniture to get away. She does that thing where she’ll flop down out of arm’s reach and act like she wants to be petted and then scoot if you try to pet her.
After 18 months of living together, she will barely let my boyfriend touch her. She won’t climb in his lap, but if she’s laying on the back of the couch, she will SOMETIMES permit him to pet her. Most often, she runs from him…still. He has never been unkind to her, I don’t know why she won’t warm up to him.
I thought she would be friendlier - but it turns out she was such a lap kitty the first couple of days because she was recovering from being spayed. I honestly don’t know if I would have picked her if I had known she would be so freakishly stand-offish. I keep telling myself that 2 Diegos would be a lot to manage and I should be glad to have one cat who is less needy. It is so nice to be kitty-adored though 
A few pics
http://gloriana.myphotoalbum.com/view_album.php?set_albumName=album08
http://gloriana.myphotoalbum.com/view_photo.php?set_albumName=album09&id=serafina_cleaning_house
http://gloriana.myphotoalbum.com/view_photo.php?set_albumName=album09&id=IMG_0052
http://gloriana.myphotoalbum.com/view_photo.php?set_albumName=album09&id=diego_being_petted
http://gloriana.myphotoalbum.com/view_photo.php?set_albumName=album09&id=kittyinthewindow
http://gloriana.myphotoalbum.com/view_photo.php?set_albumName=album09&id=IMG_0090
I’m a big manly man, but even I went AWWWWWWW when I saw that first pic, CCL.
I think the issue people are taking is that she’s not every cat you’ve ever had. She’s herself, and who she is isn’t a lap kitty. At least not right now. When you say stuff like that, it kind of makes it sound like you want her to fill the holes and heal the wounds left by losing them, and yeah, that is so wrong. It may just be poor choice of phrasing–emotional duress doesn’t really breed verbal clarity–but your choice of words is all we have to go on, ya know?
