I dunno, I’ve never had a cat that acted like Serafina and I wish she were less stand-offish and more friendly (like some of the other cats I’ve had, including her own littermate). I get that that’s how she is, but I still wish she were friendlier. Unlike the op, at least I have a friendly cat to love on when Sera is being squirrely. And I definitely wish she were nicer to my boyfriend, I think it hurts his feeling sometimes when she acts like he’s an axe-wielding kitty murderer.
I think if you socialize a cat while it is still young it will become comfortable around people and become more affectionate. Here are some ways to play with your cat:
Flick pieces of dry cat food across a smooth floor, and the cat may run after it. You could also try to feed it dry food or cat treats one piece at a time from your hand so that your cat feels comfortable around you.
I also made an inexpensive cat toy with a piece of thick string (you could use yarn or a thin rope or cord) and wiggle the end of the string in front of it and see if the cat chases it. I would lift the wiggly thread in the air, and my cat would jump up to try to catch it. I also ran around the living room with the string and the cat would chase it. You could also buy one of those mouse-like cat toys, rub some catnip on it, and tie the toy to the string.
I also have this game were I will sit next to the cat and scratch a carpeted floor or anything rough with my fingers somewhere the cat can’t see it. My cat would hear a scratching noise, try to find it, and jump playfully on my hand.
I know some people are going to think I’m terrible for suggesting this, but how about getting another cat and getting rid of this one? I think pets need to earn their keep. I would give the cat another month and try the games I suggested in my previous post. If it does not work then time for a better cat.
If you want to get an affectionate cat find one that is around 4 - 6 months old so it is still young enough to be socialized around people. Some animal shelters let you interact with the cat alone in a separate room for a few minutes before you choose a cat. Find one that is friendly and affectionate. The cat I adopted was friendly to me right away.
No, I read the words that you wrote and saw that you wish she would “make you feel whole.” That her failure to cuddle makes you feel unworthy of love, “needy and pathetic” and even jealous.
That is a strong reaction, one that should perhaps prompt some self-reflection.
You will never know why your cat does not enjoy physical touching at the moment - the only thing you DO know is that it is not for any reason analogous to the human thought process.
I truly hope your kitty will come around, and in my experience, they do, over a period of many years. I am only telling you what I would tell a friend in the same circumstances - you are laying an awful lot on a cat just for being skittish.
At first I was going to say you WERE terrible, but then, maybe you’re right. Give Lily to someone who won’t expect so much out of her? She deserves someone who loves her for who she is, not for someone who wants her to replace a lost pet.
(Although I DO think expecting cats to “earn their keep” is stupid. They’re PETS)
What’s your other cat’s name, btw?
I’m just going to say one more thing, and then I’ll back off, I promise. You are not me, I know, so just take it for what it’s worth.
This is exactly what I told myself, too. That I was just not a marriage or romantic relationship person, that I had no need for friends, that I wouldn’t be compatible with anyone anyway, didn’t know anyone interesting enough, just wasn’t capable of or in need of being close to other people. Then my then-psychiatrist (was seeing him for unrelated reasons) pointed out that I met the requirements for schizoid personality disorder, which scared me, and I changed and whatnot, which isn’t really the point.
The point is, it just started out with me being lonely due to social isolation, and I didn’t want to be lonely, so I thought I’d just stop *feeling *lonely. I just didn’t realize that you can’t shut off that one emotion without shutting off the emotions and needs that lead you to become lonely when you lack sufficient human interaction, which certainly wasn’t my intent when I started out. And it just became more and more pronounced, with me not really seeing what I was doing, and I probably wouldn’t have if my shrink hadn’t pointed it out. So if you’re following a similar path, this is me attempting to point it out.
I see you figured it out on your own without the help of so many armchair psychiatrists. Jeez some people act like they’ve never had an irrational hurt feeling before. singular1, keep up the hard work. Let her want you.
It’s common for cats to become cuddly only after they’ve grown up. What you want - for Lily to sleep with you, to climb into your lap, to purr in your ear - will probably happen once she’s outgrown her kittenhood.
Acquiring another cat could actually reduce the chances that you’ll have a lap cat. Two cats in a household will sometimes focus more on each other than on their owners.
Keep in mind too, some cats just don’t like to be held. In fact, NONE of mine do. Gypsy growls, and Maggie kicks and squirms and cries like she’s being boiled in oil. (She tore my one of my nightgowns a few weeks ago!). That being said, they’ll still come over and nuzzle and purr and want petted and scratched. Cats are weird.
Or Piper Grace, who’s EXTREMELY shy. If you even walk near her, she’ll take off. Try to pet her, forget it. BUT, if you sit on the sofa, she’ll quietly sneak up behind you, and rub up against your neck. (Forget even TRYING to pick her up)
So just wait and let her come to you.
My mom bought a cat, that is a member of a breed that is considerably friendlier on average than most cats. (I’d have rather her go shelter, but she wanted something cuddly, and as a first time cat owner, she had no cat history making some of the good rescue groups reject her). When her cat came through the door, it was clear that she had not read the breed description because cuddly she was not. For the first few weeks, the only way we knew we had a cat (I was home for a brief vacation) was her food kept disappearing, and we caught glimpses of a cat marine crawling behind furniture. (Couldn’t get close enough to see if it was the cat we brought home, but we certainly <i>thought</i> so.
Fast forward a year. I called my mom today and the cat was ribboning around her legs begging for affection.
Lily may be like mom’s cat- not a lapcat, but an affectionate cat. She gives kisses, and checks up on her people when they are sick. She sleeps with one of my siblings at all times (switches off), and one of my siblings she seems to think is her kitten.
They grow into it.
Singular1, your post reminds me of what I have been experiencing. I lost my beloved 16-year-old Sally recently. (It’s been 2 years, but it feels recent.) Sally was everything you described Oops to be. She was a constant companion… sat with me, slept with me, and loved me as much as I loved her. We had a nightly routine as I prepared for bed, which involved the same antics, games and shenanigans that lead to her ending up next to my pillow in her own little spot, with her head resting in my hand. I dreaded the day when I would lose her, and it has turned out to be as unbearable as I expected.
Since then, I have adopted 2 kittens. Scotty McGregor is now 2, and Frankie is 1. Scotty is far more devoted than Sally ever was at his age, but Frankie is too busy for affection. I worry that he will never be snuggly.
But I have to remind myself, that it took years for Sally to become such a sweetie. When she was young, she wouldn’t let anyone touch her or hold her. She would roll over for a belly rub, then bite you when you tried. She refused to be held and would never sit on your lap. We had to earn her affection and trust, and it took years to accomplish that. We had a second cat, Skippy, a huge 25 lb male, who would chase Sally and beat up on her. When this happened, I would save her. After enough saves, she finally caught on that I was her friend, learned to trust me, and made my room her safe place and personal domain.
The point I am slowly getting to is that they don’t always come ready-to-snuggle. The kitten years are all about discovery. They are learning about the world around them, and all the moving things within that world. And they are getting to know their people and housemates. Like kids, they are too busy playing and having fun to lay around with the parents.
Something else to consider… Jake. Housemate cats have a hierarchy, and Jake is the Alpha cat. There may be many things, places and even people, that Jake has claimed as his own. You can’t tell, but Lily can. My lap belongs to Scotty. When I sit in my recliner, Scotty sits on my lap. Frankie somehow knows he is not allowed to sit there, and will sit at a lower spot, between my legs on the footrest. That’s his place, even when Scotty is absent. If I move Frankie up, he quickly moves back.
Here’s a suggestion: Sally had a little flat, flannel, pillow-like pad I made for her. It was her “bed” that fit next to my pillow. I originally made this for her so she wouldn’t sleep between my feet. It worked great. She loved it and knew it was her spot.
When Scotty came along, I went out and bought some snuggly microfiber fabric and made Scotty a small blanket. I rubbed it on him to give it his scent, and put it in the same spot by my pillow. Worked instantly. Just one step onto this magical blanket and he instantly goes into kneading mode and drops. He has a second one, for my lap. When I sit down and kick back, the Scotty blanket comes out, and he’s there. If Frankie even touches it, Scotty rejects it and it has to be washed. (Scotty loves baby Frankie, but he doesn’t want him touching his things.)
So try that with Lily. Find a soft throw, a snuggly towel, or make something, and rub it on her. Don’t let Jake touch it. This will be Lily’s spot. When you see her sleeping somewhere, put the blanket there with her so she will associate it with sleeping. Then when you sit down and want to snuggle, get it and put her on it.
I have never tried El Cid Viscoso’s method of leaving them wanting more. Interesting. I don’t know if I have it in me to even try this. I find it fascinating that it works though.
I employ the “respect the cat’s wishes” method. If I pick them up and they struggle to escape, I pet them and let them go. Cats are very independent and like to think they are in charge. I imagine that being held against their wishes makes them feel as if they have no control. I don’t want to be looked at as the jailer. If you give them freedom to come and go at will, they know they won’t be trapped when they come back. My son always held the previous cats down when they tried to escape, and they forever steered clear of him. But building cat’s trust takes time.
Give Lily some time to grow up. She is too young to judge how affectionate she will become. Sometimes you have to “build” a lovable cat. You have a lot of great advise in this thread to work with!
Just curious - was it a Ragdoll? Jake’s been through a treacherous month, and I spent a lot of time reading Cat Fancy in the waiting room. I remember reading a couple articles about Ragdolls. Fur’s a bit on the longish side for my taste, but they look like absolute sweethearts.
4everkid, I’ll try making a binky for Lily. It’s worth a shot. And condolences on losing Sally. Believe me, I know two years doesn’t feel like a long time ago. It’s been three years since I lost Oops, and it still feels like yesterday.
I started cutting back on Lily’s treats a bit this weekend, but she still comes around looking for them. I’m just playing it cool and waiting now (when not singing at her).
I am so hoping that Bridget eventually enjoys being held or petted or snuggled with or something. Thank you (and all of the rest of you) who have given me more hope that she still might, eventually. I hope Lily will too.
This is what worked best with the cat I don’t even like to talk about because I miss him so much, my first rasied-from-kittenhood cat, who died much too young: Sebastian. I made sure never to restrain him even an inch when cuddling. My husband could never quite stop himself from trying to keep him close, and Sebastian avoided him for it, I think. Sebastian DEFINITELY appreciated being free to go at any moment, and he repaid me in many purrs. He also loved other people up and down our street; I think he picked his “extra families” in part based on who accorded him unlimited come-n-go privileges, while giving extra points to any family with a three-to-five-year old boy.
- (sigh of missing Sebastian)*
During my Rio’s “teenage” period–somewhere between six months and two years–he was not terribly into being petted either. He’s outgrown that, and is an awesome lapcat–on his terms. I can’t force him to be in the mood to be cuddly.
I know the feeling, I have a couple cats that are not very touchy. Well one is, but she is weird. She WANTS to be cuddled, we were very close when she was a kitten, but ever since she got sick we haven’t been as close though both of us want it. When she got sick I was emotionally distant. I just have periods where I am emotionally distant. I can’t do anything about it, even if I intellectually want to be emotionally available, I am not. Well this happened while she was sick and she hasn’t forgiven me for it.
I do too, and it has the added bonus of incorporating a bit of the “play aloof and make the cat come to you” tactic. I have a very very very sensitive fraidy-cat. I was very patient with her and went at whatever pace she was comfortable with, and she now runs over to be enthusiastically petted, whereas at first she wouldn’t let anyone even touch her.
Actually, now that I think about it, she’s an example of a cat that wouldn’t have responded to the ignore-and-make-curious method. I had to win her over with vocal affection and constantly push the envelope just slightly enough to still be in her “not running away at full tilt in terror” zone. My other family members opted to more or less give up on her in varying degrees, and their relationships with her reflect that.
So, really, I think the best method is, accept your cat the way she is (which will make you feel more content and friendly and she’ll probably pick up on that) and just go slowly, at whatever pace and using whatever methods are best for her individual personality.
Singular1 Very close! She’s a ragamuffin. More fur patterns, they aren’t always pointed, but share a lot of the same ancestry. She’s great, and the fur is no where near the maintenance you would think. She doesn’t shed much, she is easy to groom, and she’s very good about brushing.
Well, it’s me again - with an update and a plea for more advice. First of all, the “ignore her” method was an absolute failure - it took almost five months for her to get to the point where she would come to my chair and sniff at my outreached finger again, which is her way of checking me out. She also couldn’t care less about her blanket,so there was no result there. But she has started sleeping on the foot of the bed while we’re in bed, and she will come when called and let you pet here lightly (sometimes). Both of these are new behaviors, both started just a few weeks ago.
Meanwhile,our local shelter is shutting down, and they are waiving the adoption fee for all pets. They have a lot of kittens, and I convinced Mr. singular that I really need someone that wants to be held. But in light of Lily’s new behavior, he thinks we should not get one because it will mess her up, or possibly she will bond with the new kitten and ignore us more. I think she will be fine, and the dog will be delighted to have two little sisters, and I will finally have my lapwarmer. This doesn’t in the least diminish how I feel about Lily - I love her deeply, but there is room in our hearts and house for another.
I did promise I would ask on the Dope - and I hope I get quick answers, since I planned to stop by the shelter on the way home - just to look, but probably to choose…
Wait for her to settle down a bit when she’s a little older. If she doesn’t - just get another cat. They are all so different.
I understand the need for a cuddler. My older cat is standoffish the majority of the time (but likes being carried), and I felt very lonely until I got my second cat - who is ridiculously affectionate (but - does not like to be carried. He climbs all over you and is always on your lap, though).
I can supply only anecdotes … Our oldest cat was very standoffish, even into late middle age. Then we got another kitten, who turned out to be extremely affectionate. After a few months of watching this kitten constantly snuggling and demanding pets and cuddles, the older cat suddenly did a 180 on the whole affection thing … I don’t know if she was jealous, or just saw how much the baby sister was enjoying the attention and wondered what she might have been missing; but now, she’s as affectionate as any cat I’ve ever seen, other than cat #2, who is some kind of freak. (She follows me around whenever I’m home & she’s awake, waiting for me to sit down so she can jump into my lap. This has become a bit of a pain now that I usually work from home.)