My Mother is an Internet Menace

The BBQ Pit
1

Dammit, Mom!!!

You have slowly but completely turned into precisely the sort of moron that I cannot stand.

Do you have to forward EVERY goddamn piece of shit that shows up in your mailbox? And to not just one, but ALL of my fucking e-mail addresses?

It doesn’t matter how stupid they are, does it? Just keep on fucking clicking. Every stupid bullshit e-mail invented since September 11th has found it’s way into my inbox.

Just today you’ve sent around some retarded thing about how if Bill Clinton had done something or other way back when, none of this would have happened. Holy Jesus Christ on a Stick!! I know you’re a mindless Republican (not like many Republicans, who are brilliant and believe as they do for completely valid reasons) who has always / does / and will continue to disagree with everything any Democrat has ever done throughout American history, but for fuck’s sake, don’t you think it’s really goddamn petty to use this stuff to get in yet another jab on last year’s fucking president? You’re sick.

And if it’s not utter bullshit about current affairs, it’s this motherfucking bible shit. STOP SENDING ME BIBLE VERSES! And lame-ass stories written by inbred sheep-fucking bible thumpers. I don’t fucking read them. Hell, I don’t open most of the mail you send me anymore. And it’s just as well because, fer the love of Cecil, you don’t know how to cut and paste to save your fucking life!! Your e-mails are all fucked up, with either a billion little
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
goddamn things on every single line, or else half the sentences will just

I don’t even know how you manage to do that shit.

Just stop it. Didn’t you get the hint when, for a while there, I replied not only to you, but to every single person you sent them to, that they were absolute crap? All of them?

You’re my mother, and I love you. But I want to come to your house, knock you out with a blunt object of some sort, take your computer, rip the phone lines out of your walls, maybe even burn your computer room down right off the back of the house. Maybe by the time you recover from all that, you’ll be too old to type.

See you at Thanksgiving.

2

At least your mom knows how to do that.
You don’t even want to know the headaches I have had trying to teach both of my parents how to do things.
I swear I’m going to choke my dad.
He calls in a panic over every little thing!
I’m trying to be patient really, I am.
The only thing he got the hang of was surfing the porn sites I found for him. Go figure.
He can’t figure out ICQ, or his e-mail (so I don’t have issues with him like you do with your mom)
When I try to explain something to him he tells me that so and so told him to do it another way.
Well, fine, then why did you call me if all you want to do is argue and tell me that isn’t what you were told by whoever?

My mom isn’t so bad about things. She just started being online and using a computer a month ago or so.
The bad part is she does it when there is nobody around to help her navigate things.

But both of them have my husband running between the two houses trying to fix their computer problems. I’m just waiting for the day that my dad call on one line and my mom on the other both having problems.

3

I went through this same thing with a different relative. When I got the warning for the “good times virus” for the 10,000th time, 5 years after the original hoax, I did the “reply all” and explained how to look up e-mail hoaxes and chain letters, and that I really hate seeing this crap coming in my e-mail. Not only did this person stop sending this crap to me, but they stopped sending it eveyone else. The hard part was trying to be as nice as possible, yet sound very serious, as not to offend them. Thankfully, I am still on very good terms with this person.

You situation is indeed similar. Now, since your direct approach of the “reply all” did not work, you could try playing devil’s advocate and send a bunch of Democrat propoganda her way, and incessantly quote fantasy novels.

Or, better yet, send her a virus that will take her computer down for a while… hell, if she’s got a stable IP address, just dDoS her for a while…

I’d reserve the blunt object if all else fails. Start with a flogging using a dry loofa (sic?) sponge first. Sledgehammers, cinder blocks, and large pieces of granite should only be used in dire emergencies (such as if you are sent a chain letter about the “good times” virus…)

Sincerely,

-MFS

4

My problem is far different. My mom uses the internet to kick my ass in Scrabble on a regular basis. Used to be, we’d just have our little games a few times a year when I visited them. Now, thanks to the miracle of the world wide web, we play online and she gives me a drubbing. She’s also recruited me to play in some 4-person games with her friends from Canada, who also hand me my ass on a platter.

Oh the horror. The horror.

I’ll tell you what, my parents are the most technically unsavvy people you’ve ever met. Our microwave is 20 years old because they don’t think they could operate a newfangled one. They had a rotary phone and pulse dialing up until a few years ago.

But they’ve got a G4, wireless internet connectivity, and they’re online constantly. My dad is tracing his family tree; my mom plays games. They’re internet whizzes, now.

5

I went through this same thing with a different relative. When I got the warning for the “good times virus” for the 10,000th time, 5 years after the original hoax, I did the “reply all” and explained how to look up e-mail hoaxes and chain letters, and that I really hate seeing this crap coming in my e-mail. Not only did this person stop sending this crap to me, but they stopped sending it eveyone else. The hard part was trying to be as nice as possible, yet sound very serious, as not to offend them. Thankfully, I am still on very good terms with this person.

You situation is indeed similar. Now, since your direct approach of the “reply all” did not work, you could try playing devil’s advocate and send a bunch of Democrat propoganda her way, and incessantly quote fantasy novels.

Or, better yet, send her a virus that will take her computer down for a while… hell, if she’s got a stable IP address, just dDoS her for a while…

I’d reserve the blunt object if all else fails. Start with a flogging using a dry loofa (sic?) sponge first. Sledgehammers, cinder blocks, and large pieces of granite should only be used in dire emergencies (such as if you are sent a chain letter about the “good times” virus…)

Sincerely,

-MFS

6

For the first year that my parents were online, my mom though that the internet was eBay. The whole thing, just eBay. Needless to say she loved it. Now every time I visit them I curse Al Gore for inventing eBay because legions of creepy dolls have been using it to invade their home. Thanks to the internet, most of my meager inheritance has gone to the likes of Richard Simmons and Marie Osmond and their hellish vinyl-faced abominations.

But now mom knows better. She’s discovered online card games and plays cribbage well into the night. Oh and what a time she has with those late-night gamers. If I have to hear about one more creep typing filthy things to my mother at two in the morning, I’m going to find the plug that powers the WorldWideWeb and I’m going to pull it. There’s one game that allows you to create a little caricature of yourself by putting different facial features and clothes on a character. Seems real cute, huh? Good clean fun, right? Well, she was playing and this guy excused himself from the game for a moment and his character came back NAKED! They only show from the top half, but still, there are little NAKED cartoon men hassling my poor, innocent mother! She got freaked out and changed her character into a little puppy dog so she wouldn’t get hit on any more. Lord only knows when the bestiality freaks are going to come slithering out for a game of hearts. Cripes!

7

Sounds like you need to block your mom’s email address so all her messages go right into your Trash file. You won’t have to look at any of the stuff, she most likely will never be the wiser for it, and you’ll both be happy.

It could just be a phase, too. My mom was into forwarding every damn thing she got for awhile, but the novelty’s worn off, I think. I only get about one message a month from her now. It’s a good thing.

8

It’s drastic, and it may not be for you…yet…but there is a solution.

9

I have a former classmate who has done the same as the OP’s mother ever since I got in touch with her. Her emails go something like this (consolidated version):

(a header about a fucking mile long, including email addies from now defunct ISP’s, like, uh, IBMnet, CGI, ARPANET, etc.)

"PLEASE FWD THIS TO ANYONE YOU KNOW!!!
Little Johnny Sheepfucker lives in rural Kentucky. he iss 10 yrs old, and has bin infected with a virus that erases your hard drive and destroy’s your keybord. The doctors, IBM and Symantec have not found a cure. Johnny iss cullecting used lollipop sticks and tampon applicators so’s he can go on a trip to Dollywood. He also needs all your prayers, and one dollar from everyone who gits this email. They say he may even get to visit Pres. Clinton (who isnt my favrite person, but needs our support, what with the happenings in Oklahoma City last week).
Plz fwd this to everyone in the known fucking universe, so’s we can spread the word." (spelling intentional)

Fuck, that pisses me off.

10

I don’t have the same problem as the OP, since my parents don’t have internet access. The reason why is that every time my dad sits in front of a computer with internet access, within twenty minutes he ends up surfing for porn. For a couple of hours. I mean, we’re all adults there, but it’s making my mom a bit uncomfortable, enough that when I asked her why they didn’t have internet access, she said “look at what your dad does with the internet when he’s here. If we get that at home, he’ll be online 24/7.” I said that he’d probably get bored, but she doesn’t agree. The reason I say he’d get bored is that I think a lot of males go through that cycle when faced with tons of free porn. But since he only goes online once every couple of months, he can keep going to the same sites and find different stuff and all (I discussed this with him once, when he was downloading clips on Hotline and Morpheus at around 2:30AM and he and I were the only ones still awake.) Since then I pretty much gave up on trying to get my parents internet access. Sorry for the hijack, but I didn’t feel this rant was enough to start a thread.

11

ReservoirDog, get a new email address & don’t tell her. You know she means well. Like 95% of my friends. All 3 of them. :slight_smile: