My Pet Porcupine.
[sup]This actually happened.[/sup]
I was putting the garden hoses away for winter storage under my deck around 9:30 pm, as I was shuffling along in the crawlspace, which has about 30 inches ground clearance. I slid a wooden box over to make some more room…and…I hear this rustling of some leaves that had accumulated over the fall.
It was dark, and I just thought it was just one my cats playing, so I paid no attention to it – then… - this HUGE friggen porcupine bolted - well- more like waddled away to the other side under my deck.
After icing down the goose egg on my head from violently smashing it into the joists of the deck in surprise, and changing into a fresh pair of underwear, (well I almost needed to…) I began to wonder how the heck I was going to get this critter out from under there.
He was trapped under the deck by the lattice trim- with the small opening near the staircase as the only escape route. A path now scattered with hoses and other debris from my surprise and somewhat hurried departure earlier in the evening. Getting Porky out was not going to be easy.
I looked up the Alberta Fish and Wildlife Dept number and got an emergency number to call if the matter needed immediate attention. It said the office would be open again after the weekend.
I thought that if the creature was in my house – mayyyybe I’d call the emergency number.
But under the deck? I thought, How difficult could it possibly be to flush a scared porcupine out from under my deck in the dark? No need to call in the Fish Feds – It’s a piece of cake- right?
Well – Let me just say, it’s not as easy as it sounds.
I go fetch a super powered flashlight and I begin to look for something to poke through the 3” holes in the lattice in order to prompt old Porky to move. I find my golf bag. For a brief insane moment, I ask myself what club would be the best choice for small mammal removal. I decide on a five-iron.
Now picture this. Almost midnight, flashlight in one hand, five-iron in the other, shouting “Move it Porky!!” at the top of my lungs and menacingly pacing one end of the deck. At this point, I’m grateful I don’t have neighbors.
I poke the club through the holes trying to nudge the beast from his spot, a spot he now seemed to be fully prepared to defend. Porky was massive. Like an overweight Bulldog with 4 inch thorny fur. Porky flared his butt at me in defiance, and started to head towards the exit, then stopped; four feet further away, and now out of reach of my Ping “prompter”.
“Ok Buddy, “ I now begin to threaten it, “Don’t make me get the pros down here with the noose pole to drag your cactus butt outta there!”
I go look for a longer stick. Both of my cats continue to howl their agitation over their recent discovery of the new guest. They both supervise the operation perched from twenty feet above in the Poplar limbs.
I return after finding a decorative walking stick about 7 feet long. I slide it through and nudge him.
Porky moves three more feet.
Two branches, an aluminum rod, and a twenty foot surveyor’s pole later, I had him right where I didn’t want him. Precisely in the center- and now, completely out of reach from any side of the deck.
Now- I was not happy. I get the toolbox and remove the screws from the lattice on the far end of the deck.
I grab the flashlight and select the 7 foot stick, and I get down on the wet dirt and crawl in the new opening under the deck to shoo the bastard away. Of course, if I was a smart man, I probably should have entered from the staircase side, and flushed him out through the now wide open removed lattice opening.
But nooooooooooo, I decide storm in right away and blindly attempt to send him fleeing in terror out the narrow and obstacle ridden staircase opening. Porky turned and hissed and moseyed another 4 feet. (Who knew they could hiss?) I bang on the ground and prod him again and succeed only in driving him straight left and into an abandoned tangled nest of garden hoses, firewood and exterior Christmas decorations. Porky wasn’t too happy about it either.
Twenty minutes of gingerly raveling up wet hoses and xmas light while in a crawl space under a smelly deck, makes a man stop and think a bit. WTF was I doing? Tools and garden hoses were strewn about the yard, I was covered in mud, sweating, swearing, and rolling around under my deck in God-know-what-my-cats-had-deposited-all-summer. And why?
Porky was probably scared out of his mind and he most likely would have gone out on his own if I just left him alone. Now to top it all off, I was feeling guilty for trying to expel him out from under my deck.
I just finished rolling up the hoses and string of lights so he’d have a clear path to escape - if he wants to.
I just checked before posting this- and Porky is still there, but he moved up near the wall of the house and it looks like he’s digging a hole. The Bastard is making a bunker! I just know he’s chewing on the wiring and TV cable under there.
He’s been under there now for four hours. I think he likes it there.
I threw some Cat Chow near the outsides of the lattice openings, maybe he’ll take the bribe and just leave.
I’ll see if he’s there again tomorrow. My head still hurts and I need to sleep.
