Things I’d like to put in room 101, from this week’s experiences.
The red “BIG BRO” button that appears in the top corner of the screen of UK TV’s Channel 4 programmes while I’m trying to watch something else. Listen people, Big Brother is probably the most worthless pile of tedious dross ever broadcast, and appeals only to dumb, boring, superficial, illiterate, unimaginative, educationally subnormal recently-post-pubescent girls who like to dress so their over-tight waistband is about level with their genitals and their hips spill out over the top. I know your programme ratings are on the decline, but for a simple explanation of that - see all the above. Sticking irritating icons all over the place ain’t going to help you here - it’s like advertising dog turds in full colour cinemascope and expecting dog turd sales to go up.
The Daily School Run combined with the 4x4 and People Carrier Size Contest – every morning at 8.30am a lengthy convoy of huge vehicles, each containing a small female driver and one or maybe two tiny kids, converges on the local school by way of a road only 8ft wide at one point. Then ensues 20 minutes of manoevering , reversing, getting in each other’s way, 45-point turns etc, in order to get back out again after dropping off the sprogs. Many of these people have driven from all of 300 yards away, in an area perfectly suited to walking, and some of them are even each other’s neighbours. Use your legs occasionally or at least share cars! Also, on a closely related topic, why when people have a kid (you know, a small person) do they suddenly feel obliged to rush out to buy the biggest vehicle on the planet, yet 4 or 5 adults on a 300 mile trip on a hot day often get crammed into a clapped-out Nissan Sunny? I think you folks should take much less notice of the TV adverts and start thinking about the purpose of things.
The Nokia “tune” – not only is this quite simply horrible sounding, but you’d think after Dom Jolly’s big mobile phone “HELLLLLOOO, I’M IN A LIBRARY!!!” sketches on TV nobody would be heard dead with this ringtone on their phone. It scores minus several million on the cool scale. Actually, I’d expand this out to include all ringtones, to a very slightly lesser degree. Also people who sell ringtones. And people who buy them.
Since I’m ranting about mobiles - All teenagers who can’t walk, stand, sit down, be in a car or probably even take a shit without staring at a mobile phone and “texting” some equally moronic youth with a message that contains no information of any value whatsoever. In future generations necks will evolve (yes, that process does happen by the way, maybe even in Kansas) to crane forwards and their thumbs will become pointy, more flexible and accurate so that the text input rate can go up and yet more garbage be transmitted. Eyes lenses will develop a horizontal bifocal split so these prats can see where they’re going while still pushing the buttons.
The UK in particular is full of these idiots, probably the clearest sign ever of the average IQ being on a rapid decline here. However, rather than just whine about this I’m going to start selling text message bundles to all the kids and make some money out of their worthless addiction – hey, it’s harmless!
Meaningless symbols tattooed anywhere. Hmmm, just what does that Japanese writing mean? My 1984 Honda is the greatest? Sushi is my favourite food? Blowjobs a speciality? Or what about that Celtic knotwork at the base of the spine, does that indicate you’re a deep, mystic, interesting personality? Of course not, you’re the most junior clerk in a motor insurance office for fuck’s sake - you and your acne will probably both reach retirement there too.
People who drive in the middle of a three-lane road all the damn time. The UK has clearly watched way too much American TV for too long, and now we drive like you. Even the old-timers who used to have such good lane discipline and be so courteous have started doing this shit. Listen all you “lane 2 addicts”, you know we’re not allowed to overtake on the inside in this country, so why do you make everything go around you on the outside? The only vehicle ahead of you in lane 1 is somewhere near the horizon going 0.7mph slower than you, so you’ll eventually reach him in about 25 miles. MOVE OVER for fuck’s sake, you lazy, ignorant, insular, selfish turd. Naturally, if I get impatient and go past on the inside, you get all pissy about it don’t you, expecting me to make 4 lane changes to get round you instead. Well, fuck you and your Ford Mundano, Nissan Mucus or most especially your Subaru WankeRX.
Oh, and indicate (or signal, for our US cousins) your lane changes too while you’re at it - what’s the matter, is it really that much effort and are you too important to have to take your fingers out of your nose / anus / scrotal area (delete as applicable) and move that little lever on the steering column half an inch?
I feel much better for that. Over to you…