To my (former) orthopedic surgeon:
Dear sir,
When I first visited you in January I told you that this was not the first time I’ve injured my ACL. I told you I was tired of the friggin’ thing giving out on me and hobbling me for weeks. I told you I’d like to have the surgery my two previous surgeons recommended I consider.
When the MRI came back and showed a complete rupture, you told me to give the PT a chance. Fine. I’ve done the physical therapy thing before and there is no reason why my knee shouldn’t be has good as it could possibly be before the surgery. Then you tell me that a brace will do what the surgery would do without having to cut me and I would “get used to the brace.” Last month it was “Well, continue the PT and I’ll order you a stronger brace.” Like I want to live the rest of my life in a goddamned knee brace.
But the kicker-- the final insult was two weeks ago when you told me that I don’t really need the surgery because “Sometimes the ACL snaps back with physical therapy and you aren’t really that active to begin with.”
Look you old fucker, why did you waste 4 months of my life? If you never had any intentions of doing the surgery, why didn’t you just say so? Why did you feel the need to insult my intelligence by telling me my ruptured ACL will “snap back”, you damned liar? Since I’m not an athlete, I’m supposed to hobble around like a crack addict (as my daughter so elequently put it) for the rest of my life-- afraid to walk on grass because the uneven ground makes my leg buckle and just get used to the pain and daily swelling, is that right?
Why, why oh WHY did you string me along for 4 agonizing, leg-dragging, pain-filled months, you liverspotted prick?
To my internist,
During my first visit with you 2 years ago, I told you I suffer from hidradenitis suppurativa. You’d think after two years you’d look it up or something, right? I mean, you’re a doctor and your patient has this condition-- shouldn’t you know something about it?
Yes, I have a cyst. I have cysts all the fucking time. I am never, ever cyst free. EVER. When you notice a cyst during an exam don’t prescribe an antibiotic. They do no good and sometimes make the damned things worse by adding to the fluid collecting there. When the cysts become infected, then I’ll need an antibiotic.
When they get too big and the pressure causes pain, I’d like to have them drained, please. I don’t want a lecture about me squeezing them because I don’t squeeze them and that is not what causes the cluster of cysts, you moron!
WHY WON’T MY DOCTORS LISTEN TO ME!!!