Things are getting pretty intense tbh. She goes from zero to screaming at the slightest provocation. Her immediate reaction to the slightest obstacle is to assume we are all her enemy and begin fighting.
And she’s moody–literally within a five minute period she’ll go back and forth from happy and huggy to “nothing is exciting and no one is happy!”* back to cheerful chatting.
And there’s this dynamic between her and her brother that I don’t know how to help them stop. He’s very calm about things, and she’s not. And when there’s a dispute between them, he’ll do things I am sure are designed to provoke a reaction from her–and she reacts. Now, if she’s screaming and hitting, I have to respond in some way. But if he’s poking at her verbally to get that reaction, I feel I ought to respond to that in some way–yet if I do, it sends a message to my daughter that she’s not responsible for her action. It’s a puzzle.
(He’s nine.)
And she’s irritable and brood-y. She doesn’t adapt to circumstances–if things don’t go exactly the way she hoped, she slumps to the floor and cries or broods about it, rather than showing any kind of resilience or flexibility. I don’t know if this is age, personality, or just something very temporary, or what. But I don’t know how to handle it. It’s okay for her to feel bad when she’s disappointed. I don’t know how to successfully encourage her not to ruin things for everybody else, and also, to try to find something good to build on rather than focusing on the disappointments.
Probably she’ll grow out of it I hope?
*Her exact words, which to be honest, concern me, as there is a history of depression on my side of the family.
I know how you feel! I remember a quote I put on Facebook from my daughter when she was right around that that age: “I need to get my blankey and my cell phone”.
My little darling is 14 now and is the sweetest, most aggravating thing in the world so I’m not sure what to tell you.
She sounds a lot like most 7 year old girls. When our daughter exhibits this behavior, I send her to her room. It’s okay to be upset, but if she can’t control emotions and communicate them in a healthy manner, then she’s got to go to her room until she can calm down enough to be with the rest of the family. This works well for her. It validates her feelings, but it doesn’t give her a free reign to be a terror to the rest of the family.
As far as your son goes, you should also be disciplining him as well. It’s not like you’re excusing your daughter’s behavior if you get on to him as well. Baiting other people to get a reaction isn’t a healthy way to have a relationship either.
I am not complaining, having a daughter does not make me incredibly lucky (probably well over half the adult population has a daughter) and your response was very hard to contextualize. Have I hurt your feelings in some way?
Our daughter is 3 and has the same kinds of issues. We also send her to her room to calm down. I was kind of hoping she’d chill out by 7. Oh-well, what-the-hell.
I don’t have any daughters. I have two sons, now grown, and I’m jealous of the fathers I see who have loving adoring daughters. Sons can be a lot of fun too, but when they’re grown they become pretty independent. I don’t mean daughters aren’t independent, it’s just that they seem maintain a stronger relationship with their fathers.
I apologize for my harsh tone, I didn’t mean it that way.
ETA: Should have said straight out, I’m jealous.
EETTAA: Oh, looks like I did
My older kid is only four, so this may or may not be any help - but when she overreacts, I try to focus on helping her get out of it, not on the overreaction itself. Basically, I tell her that everyone gets upset; what’s important is how fast you can shake it off and start finding a solution to the problem. In the long term, obviously, I’d like her to learn not to go to Defcon 5 at all unless there’s a good reason - but first I’m trying to work on the idea that the instant emotional response isn’t the be-all and end-all, that you can move beyond it to something more productive rather than getting trapped in it. If that makes sense.
I really, really, really strongly recommend that you make it clear to both of them that both of their behaviour is unacceptable. You say she acts like you’re all her enemies - of course she does, if she sees you letting her brother get away with being a manipulative little shit, while she gets in trouble for her part of the interaction. To her, that says you’re with him, against her. Calling both of them out doesn’t send a message to her that she’s not responsible for her part: it sends a message to both of them that they’re both responsible for their own parts.
Also, ignoring his behaviour sends her the message that you don’t understand why she’s angry - so why would she listen to you trying to stop her being angry? If she sees you responding to her brother’s misbehaviour as well, then she knows you understand why she’s throwing a freaker, even if you don’t condone it - so it’s easier for her to take it on board when you try to get her to respond differently.
Plus, your son is in fact being a manipulative little shit. Why would you want to send him the message that he’s not responsible for that behaviour?
It’s not out of the realm of possibility. Consider too whether she is getting proper sleep; not just bedtime, but whether she is sleeping through the night. Or there may be something about her diet that is affecting her mood. Her pediatrician might be the best resource for you in sorting through what’s typical behavior and what might benefit from some kind of intervention.
I don’t have anything constructive to add, but I’m in the same boat. My daughter is 7 and we’ve struggled with personality issues for as long as I can remember. If the slightest thing doesn’t go her way, it’s the worst day ever. If she does anything wrong, it’s not her fault. She argues with us constantly. Her mood changes in the blink of an eye. I feel your pain, and I also don’t know how to handle it.
When she was younger, it was just a matter of dealing with the “now.” We’d manage her mood in public, and let her rage in private. But now it’s worse, because she’s old enough to listen to reason and yet actively fights against it. “Didn’t you have 9 solid hours of fun before this 1 slight inconvenience?” “Yeah, but this one slight inconvenience is more important to me than those 9 hours of fun, and they weren’t that fun, and this is so-and-so’s fault, and…” Not only is it effing exhausting, but I feel that I’m unable to impart any sort of life lesson, because her instinct is to disagree with everything I say the instant I say it. She leaves no time for reflection. Lately, she’s taken to saying, “I hate when you convince me of something I don’t want,” suggesting that the idea of listening to reason and behaving like a rational human being is unacceptable if it was my idea. At which point I throw my hands up in the air and say “Teenagers!” Did I mention that she’s also a slob and knows everything?
Anyway, she’s a great kid, has a huge heart, and is pleasant to be around most of the time. But man, if this is how she’s acting now, I’m so afraid of the teenage years.
eta: Forgot to mention that my 2 younger kids don’t act like this, except for the occasional mimicry, so I don’t think it’s an issue of parenting. One thing I was amazed to discover as a parent is how quickly babies develop a personality, and how little control you have over a child’s general disposition.
As it happens, just as this has been starting to become worse over the past few months, I’ve also somehow at the same time managed to get through several board gaming sessions with her (and her brother) in which she didn’t (as she used to) throw a fit the moment it seemed she might not win the game. So there’s progress on that front, and she really does enjoy the intellectual challenge in itself, not to mention the social aspect of it. So hopefully this will be one front through which she can learn to deal with frustration.
My 7 year old niece was reacting this way and my sister was concerned about her and took her to a child pysch. It turned out she is pretty smart and was bored in school and taking out her frustrations on family. She is switching schools and got involved in swimming. That seems to have helped her behavior. She still seems like a handful to me though.
See, though, what she sees is him getting away with his half of the misbehaviour, while she’s getting in trouble for hers. So, again, she sees you being ‘on his side’, or at the very least not getting what’s going on, and she sees a situation where he’s always going to be able to be shitty to her and get away with it. That can’t help her to feel calmer and more in control of the situation, which is what she needs in order to come up with a calmer, more controlled response.
This is back-seat driving, obviously, because my kids are a few years away from this…but have you tried picking him up on his half as soon as he starts it, rather than waiting till she explodes? Because not only would that help her to see that you know what’s going on and aren’t OK with it, but it would mean nipping the problem in the bud, rather than waiting till you’ve got one kid in full screaming hitting meltdown and you have to deal with that before you can get back to the other one.
