So, having a free Saturday for once, I decided to to go shopping for some clothes. Well, was my experience:
Ralph Lauren - Well, here’s a couple of new things. Now there’s like five different textures for Polo shirts. I don’t know what “custom fit” or “classic fit” or “mesh” or whatever. Dude…I just want black. Besides, it’s not “custom fit” because they are all cut the same and no one measured me before customizing them.
Oh and what’s the deal with the giant-ass Polo logo? Is it that important that everyone knows you’re wearing an $80 golf shirt that you need a six inch logo on it?
Lacoste - Polo’s alligator emblazoned cousin. Unfortunately most of the styles and colors look better on the 130 lb Brazilian kid working the register than they do me.
The Gap - Those plaid shorts in the display look nice, do you have those somewhere? No? Because that’s from the Summer collection and this stuff is for Fall? Oh of course. I forgot that I can only buy Summer clothing in freakin March! It’s not like we have two months of warm weather left!!
And there’s a reason not to pay $80 for a sports jacket!
Banana Republic - The Gap’s effeminate cousin. Skipped over that since all their clothes are so delicate I can’t even wash them.
Abercrombie & Fitch - Oh this was my favorite. Four freakin floors of moose heads, blaring house music, cases full of muskets and circa 1920s sporting equipment, homoerotic wall displays, and actual shirtless male models flexing. It’s like Ernest Hemmingway went gay (…er) and opened a nightclub that sold clothing. Oh and at 5’10" 190lbs, apparently I’m the bigest guy ever expected to shop there since I barely fit into a XXL Polo (which is apparently equivalent to a Lacoste 6 and a Polo L). I had to confirm with the girl that I was not, in fact, shopping in the women’s or childrens section. Excuse me while I flex.
Not to mention the place is so freakin dark, I have to wait until I get home to see what I bought!
I quite enjoy shopping if I don’t need to buy anything. I can make fun of the clothes and the other shoppers, walk around for exercise, sample nasty smelling perfume, etc. It’s only awful if you actually need a new outfit or something.
Back in high school, when you either wore Abercrombie or were Not Cool™, that was my problem. They really don’t carry ANYTHING for someone who’s 6’ and 275. Now that I’ve slimmed down a little, the clothes have lost their appeal anyway. We just call it the Loud Store now. What do they sell? It might be Loud, or it might be clothing. Who knows?
Be glad you didn’t fall into the dark pit that is Hollister - A&F’s even more inscrutable brand. You ought to pop over to Radio Shack to get a flashlight before venturing in. That’s only if you realize that what looks like a boarded-up former store with the lights turned off really is a store that’s open for business.
Dude, for polos, check out the online stores for Land’s End and Edie Bauer. Excellent materials, stuff is comfy, durable, washable, and the collars keep their shape after repeated washing. Wide range of sizes for "Real Men"tm. I have lots from both, and I’m quite satisfied. Oh, and there’s no “pretentious” premium on the price.
You know Abercrombie is a teen store, right? I mean, it’s not that you can’t shop in there or anything, but that’s why the sizes are so incredibly small- even the women’s (er, more like, misses’) sizes run incredibly small for that same reason.
No, silly, they sell the naked men that are flexing in the entry way!
