My SO has an Overdraft Fee problem. I'm desperate, please help me!

In My Humble Opinion
1

My SO is the absolute worst person I know when it comes to handling money.
She managed to get a credit card debt of $1500 up to $15,000 and had to file for bankruptcy for instance. But that is not the real problem. We all know how late fees, penalties and skyrocketing interest rates can do those kind of things.

My real problem is overdraft fees (OFs). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of OFs along the years but they were few and far between. And I got most of them reversed.

My SO, on the other hand, is a total disaster. There is barely a month that she doesn’t get at least a couple of them and way too often, she has racked up spectacular strings of OFs. Too many times now, she has collected several hundreds of dollars in OFs. Of course, the bank would only cancel one or two and still leave her with most of the debt.

I asked her to spend 5 minutes checking her financial situation every day. It doesn’t work. She just doesn’t do it and I’m no better because I forget as well and do not remind her (Yeah, what a couple we make…). I have had tremendous fights with her because of this. She simply can’t keep track of how much money she has. Many people (me included) don’t regularly check their balance and simply guesstimate more or less accurately. But not my SO. Oh no, she’s off the charts!It’s really amazing! Just yesterday she thought she had $300 when in fact, she was $500 in the red! $300 of those were overdraft fees.

Her last bank account was foreclosed on her because she was in the red too much. She has a new one now and the problem persists. Each time, she says she’s sorry. It meant something the first couple times but now, it just frustrates me more.

And for all this, I’m asking for ideas. What can be done to prevent this from happening? here are a few solutions that will not work:

-My SO not HAVING a card at all. She’d be depositing her paychecks in my bank account and asking me for money everytime she needs something. This only ends up with me giving her my card at which point I have simply transferred the problem to my own account. Not to mention she usually forgets to give me the card back which leads to humorous situations where I can’t pay for stuff because of it ;). No good.

-My SO using checks instead of her card. This makes the problem worse. No good.

-My SO having a savings account with money in it that would cover overdrafts from her checking account (usually called overdraft protection by banks). There will never be ANY money in the savings account so this method is utterly useless. No good.

-My SO changing her behavior in any way, shape or form. Suddenly becoming financially responsible or some such dreck. If she hasn’t changed After all the fights, the threats, the pleading, the crying, the amputated fingers and whatnot in the years I’ve been with her, what makes you think your suggestion will do it? No offense but… No good.

-My SO not having a bank account at all. Keeping all her money as cash and using that as needed. This, again, results in my card being used for all the transactions where cash won’t do. No good.
If you have any suggestions that have not been covered here, please, please, PLEASE let me know!

Thank you!

Gozulin

2

It’s this quote that makes me feel for you the most. In my opinion, I’m not sure how much YOU can do if SHE doesn’t want to change. She’s an adult. I don’t know that you really can do much to make her change.

I don’t have advice, but you’ve got my sympathies. I’m so anal with money that for me, this would be an absolute dealbreaker.

3

First off, do not get a joint account with her. Ever.

This is going to involve discipline on your part. If you’re not willing to put in the effort to help her, then don’t bother.

You’re going to have to sit down with her (and possibly a credit counselor) and find out where all her money is going. She’s going to have to figure out how much she needs each week in gas/lunch money. The rest you will have to handle yourself.

She deposits her check into your account, you give her the cash for the week. Do not give her your card. That’s it. She runs out of cash, tough. She has to wait until “payday” to get the rest. I don’t understand what you mean when you say “when cash won’t do.” When can she not use cash?

You have an SO that is completely at a loss with money. If you don’t help her get a handle on this, you will have financial problems as long as she is in your life.

To me, this is a dealbreaker. If she’s not willing to be more responsible, dump her. Unless you’re willing to put up with this forever.

4

Well, she does have redeeming qualities :slight_smile:

5

Just off the top of my head, how about a debit card with no overdraft privileges? That would be a start.

Also, it would help if you managed her money. Could you set it up with a bank so that the money is deposited into your account (where she has no access)? Then use electronic transfers to put an allowance into an account where you both have access. That’s the one the debit card will access.

Thus, she had a card for purchases, is limited in what she can buy, and you keep control on how much she can spend without a lot of trips to the bank.

6

Is there such a thing?

7

How is she getting these overdraft fees? If she’s using a credit or debit card, then if she has no money and no credit available, she should be getting refused at the register. Please clarify. What is the sequence of events that generates the fee?

What is she spending money on? If there are automatic debits coming out of her account for things like mortgage or utility bills, that can contribute to the problem. If you can have her money split between an “allowance” account for her and a “bills” account that might help, particularly if her access to the “allowance” account is limited to the money actually in it.

Is the core problem that she does not want to limit her spending, or that she does not understand how to do so? Solving the latter problem is a matter of helping give her tools that are easy to use, solving the former is really damn difficult.

You have my sympathies; my brother’s recent divorce was complicated significantly by his (now ex-)wife’s habit of spending like a drunken sailor. There’s something amazing about putting a spending plan in place to try to get out of your current debt hole, and then having your wife come home from a shopping trip to Costco with a stack of DVDs “because they were on sale”. And let’s not even get into the “I need a $1000 digital camera because I am studying to be a professional photographer” story.

8

It would be a deal-breaker for me too.

It sounds like she just doesn’t want to change. She’d rather just keep buying stuff on credit and to hell with the consequences. Really, there is no solution if your SO isn’t going to stop spending money she doesn’t have.

9

This is the only option that will solve the problem. If this is not possible, you’re just going to have to learn to live with it. Or decide that you can’t live with it.

10

Ditto.

  1. If you want to be with her, you will have to be her father as well as her boyfriend.
  2. This would also be a dealbreaker for me. I’m not that great with money myself but I constantly work to improve myself by checking my account all the time, and I don’t carry the checks. I carry a debit card without a credit card logo, so I can only spend money at specific places.
  3. You will have to have all the money in your account. In your OP you have cancelled out every possible means of solving this, though, so not sure what you want from us!
11

Another vote for “dealbreaker”.

You can’t force somebody else to act responsibly if they don’t want to. I’d tell her that the behaviour needs to change. If it doesn’t then I’d end the relationship.

12

Yes. Credit cards work by processing an authorization request to the master system (AmEx, Visa, MC, etc). This request, if granted, decreases the available credit line on the card. In cards tied to a bank account, the available credit is based on the balance in the account, with the addition of the credit line. If you’re out of money, you can;t make the transaction.

The thing is that, if she’s using a card, she shouldn’t be getting overdraft fees. Those are for checks, not credit card transactions. Credit (and debit) card transactions generate late payment fees, not overdraft charges.

13

So, in summary: she’s not going to change her ways, and you’re unable/unwilling to stop encouraging this behavior (by giving her your card, for example).

If “My SO changing her behavior in any way, shape or form” isn’t going to happen, then it’s not going to get better. Her spending above her means is the basic problem; no matter what else you do, if she doesn’t stop spending more than she has, the problem isn’t going away. Until she either changes on her own or submits to restrictions that make it impossible for her to continue overspending (by the allowance method already suggested), then the problem will continue.

14

Incorrect. Credit and debit cards, despite similar appearance and working the same way from the user’s point of view, are two very different animals behind the scenes. Debit cards deduct payments directly from a DDA (checking) account, and as such, are subject to the same limitations and penalties as paper checks. It is certainly possible to incur an OD charge using a debit card if you are not careful.

15

I don’t keep a precise track on my checking account as checks are usually in transit etc. If I do have a question re reserves what I do is use the bank’s automated phone service. It takes about 30 seconds to check on account reserves. pending checks, paid checks or whatever you need. I’ve never heard of a bank that doesn’t have this service. You can do it from your cellphone.

On a larger point, to be honest with you this level of financial irresponsibility and avoidance behavior, and the willingness to take a financial beating month after month sounds like something more fundamental than just being a bad financial planner. A person like this may be nice and pretty, and entertaining and sexy, but they are also a whirling vortex of dysfunction that will suck your life down a dark and dangerous rat hole. You are receiving a giant warning sign from the powers of the universe regarding this relationship. Disregard it at your peril. I had an SO that was stubborn and financially incompetent. It’s a dangerous, frustrating combination, and a especially complicated one after you’ve made kids with a person like this.

Bottom line :

She cannot be rescued and she will not be rescued by you. The only question is how much a of a beating you’re willing to take before you cant take any more. Your move.

16

She opens a bank account. The bank gives her a plastic card. She uses the plastic card to buy things. When her account is empty and she uses the card, overdraft fees happen. The card has a visa logo on it.

17

You can get overdraft fees off of a card (it happened to me when my wallet was stolen.) They said that there is a delay when the transaction bounces off of the Mastercard Network (this was a few years ago though.)

You ever think of setting her up with one of those prepaid Visa cards? You get her paycheck, put it on one of those prepaid Visa cards, and she can go waste her money until the card quits working. No credit gets jacked up that way…

Or making her grow up and be an adult? She seems to have a 14 year attitude with money…

18

Yep. And usually the bank will only cut off the debit card after you’re a certain amount in the hole. Which I learned when I totally misjudged the amount of money in my account and wound up with over $300 in fees. :rolleyes:

I was never as bad as your SO but I’ve finally learned I can’t estimate the money in my account; I’m always wrong. Actually, I really have two states: have money and can buy stuff or I’m broke and have to have beans for dinner. So I now track my money everyday on a spreadsheet. My big motivation for changing was thinking about how much stuff I could buy with those stupid overdraft fees if I would just wait a couple days til pay day. Doesn’t sound like this’ll work with your SO tho’. (hey, her names not Melissa is it? She sounds just like a good friend of mine.)

OK, here’s a radical idea. She doesn’t like cash and likes cards. You take over her finances and give her a preloaded Visa gift card. It’s only got a specific amount on it and is not linked to her bank account. When she uses it up, she’s out of money. You could get her a new gift card every week or two, y’all negotiate.

19

For starters, stop bailing her out. Let her deal with the problem on her own. She’s acting like a child and she has no one to blame but herself for the trouble she’s in. I simply don’t have patience for this sort of thing (and I used to be pretty bad with money).

She needs to live within her means and have a little respect for those around her. And you should take her card and checks away from her and let her live on an allowance for a while. If she runs out of money, tough shit.

20

Dang it, and here I was feeling all brilliant and stuff…