I feel for you shantih. Went through some of the same stuff when my boys were in that age range. I wish I could say that we found a solution that worked but we didn’t really. The problem usually stops by high school I think. When my sons went though this we contacted the school and they said all the right stuff but they can’t be watching the kids every second. In the end the school couldn’t do anything except reprimand a kid that already knows reprimands carry no weight.
This is your son’s first big lesson in dealing with a tough issue where Mom and Dad can’t take care of it. Bullies love that. I can tell you what we tried that may have helped.
Give you child permission to fight. I’m not saying encourge or even show him how but we teach our kids to never, ever fight so they are trapped when a bully starts abusing them physically. I gave my sons permission to fight if they felt they had too, with the knowledge that they may still get in trouble at home if they don’t have a damn good reason. A bunch of bullies liked to catch kids on the way home every day and my son and his friend put up a fight one day (as in preparing to defend themselves, not actually fighting). That was enough to cause the bullies to seek easier prey. The bullies don’t want to cause a scene were they could get caught.
Then show him how to, if not fight, at least deal with physical interaction. Get him into a sport or maybe some karate classes or show him how you would react if an adult treated you that way. One son started playing lacrosse about this time and I think that gave him a better idea of how to deal with physical interaction.
To the OP, sorry, I have no advice because my kids haven’t yet had to deal with this, but I always read these threads because I’m sure the day will come.
A thread I started a year or so back when my kid was hit a couple of times at school. Some good suggestions there.
In our case, we met with the principal, he was not actually pushing us to file charges (despite what we inferred from an earlier email), and Dweezil never reported any other problems.
In your case, as the behavior has been so continuous, and has gone well into “assault” territory, I’d be pretty damn blunt with the school administration that you will file criminal charges if this happens even one more time.
Fuck THAT noise. The next time it happens, the OP’s son should punch one of the bulies in the nose as hard as he can. This will very likely end the bullying and give the kid a positive memory he can treasure for the rest of his life, rather than spending his adult years dwelling on the impotent frustration on how maintaining “the moral high ground” kept him as a helpless victim through his childhood.
If they have them, I feel sorry for the kids of the people suggesting to “file a report!!”, “call the police!!”, “schedule a meeting with the teachers!!” and other diplomatic hand wringing. Just tell your kid to claw, punch, or kick back if other kids do the same to him, and he’ll have a lot less problems.
When my son was being teased mercilessly (it wasn’t even physical - my kid has high functioning autism and therefore has a big red bullseye painted on him, metaphorically), he expressed such desires to a school counsellor. :eek: - basically said he wished he could bring a gun to school and shoot the people who were teasing him.
Yeah, we got a few phone calls over that one.
Fortunately in our case, we do not own guns so he has no access to them so they knew it was not in the realm of possibility. And in fact one reason we will NOT have them in the house is precisely because of this fear.
Went through a lot of attempted bullying when I was younger. Only thing that really stops bullies is a direct physical confrontation where they are forced to pay some sort of price. “Violence never solves anything” is nonsense. If you are being abused and confronted by aggressors violence solves tons of things.
Talk to the school/principal (if 1 fails, go to 2)
Talk to the parents (if 2 fails, go to 3)
Talk to the police (if 3 fails, go to 4)
Hire a couple of 16 year old boys to beat the daylights out of those kids and have them warn those kids to never touch him again else it will be worse next time.
I was bullied (not seriously, but picked on in MS) and I ended being a teacher. Luckily I was not the “main target” type kid, and I was pretty good about joking my way out of confrontation.
You absolutely have to teach your son not to be a target. If someone does something that bothers him, teach him to retaliate - it can be by saying, “LEAVE ME ALONE” very loudly, giving the bully a stare… and even taking a swing at the kid. Bullies almost always go for the “weakest” or “quietest” kid. There needs to be a negative consequence for Mr. Bully bothering your son, and it has to come from him. Does he have friends? Do the friends rally around when the bullies come around? If you have a bigger buddy or two, that will do a lot to dissuade them from starting stuff with your kid. Two or three kids that hang tight with each other are much more unlikely to be victimized than a kid who goes it alone.
As a teacher it is really difficult to police what goes on between kids when they’re not in your immediate sight. Kids go to the bathroom, play on the playground, and congregate before and after school. If the teacher becomes the enforcer, then your son is gonna have a really hard time when he/she is not around. I really dislike it when parents invest tons of energy with teachers, principals, and even other parents - and do nothing whatsoever to help their kids gain some confidence. Encouraging them to make friends, develop social skills, learn self-defense, or even how not to attract bullies, needs to take place as well. In fact, that’s where you start. (Not saying the OP is not doing that.)
The bullying stopped for me when two bullies’ little brother started some crap with me. The bullies were older than me and bigger, but the brother was younger than me but close to my size. He started something, and I shoved him and he fell, and got a bloody nose. Hardly the stuff of legend… but his mom lost it and came to my house. And my mom reminded her that the stuff she accused me of, was precisely what her sons did to half the neighborhood, and if she really was concerned about her younger son’s well-being, maybe she should check those kids first?
Shut her up, and of course the bullies threatened me, but I made it clear that there was going to be a fight if they messed with me again.
I used to get taunted and occasionally assaulted on my way home from 5th grade (this cadre of boys would yank on my hair and try to trip me, or get my backpack and play keepaway.) I was a small girl but a tomboy and I would absolutely lose my shit with rage and attack the nearest, slowest one in a frenzy, occasionally drawing blood with my nails. Strangely enough, this did not dissaude them. I never reported them, they never reported me.
It was a strange time. I can still remember the feelings of dread mixed with fury, but I wouldn’t say my physical encounters with boy bullies did lasting emotional damage, especially not compared to the girl bullies who made my life hell with their psychological warfare and their ability to manipulate adults (Oh, but she’s such a NICE girl" stab stab stab). Seventh grade stands out as the worst year of my life in that respect. Actually in every respect.
Do this. I was taught the ‘fighting is wrong’ malarky, even to the point where I was scared to fight back in case I got caught and I suffered the suspension.
Of course if I’d have gone to teachers I’d be ‘telling tales’ because there was never any proof. This was 6 years ago, and they were ‘taking bullying very serious’ then too.
The only thing that stopped bullying was fighting back and knocking the bully out. He apologised the next day and then never said another word to me again.
Make sure your son knows that whilst it isn’t the best option, fighting back can be an option, and if he does get suspended for retaliating make sure that’s the only punishment he gets, don’t punish him at home too.
I’d also point out that martial arts did me a world of good in that it gave me confidence and taught me to take or avoid a hit, even if it didn’t turn me into an ass kicking machine over night.
4 can sometimes fail, in this instance it is the child’s father’s duty to beat up the bullies dad. fin.
when I was in school, we thought karate and tae kwon do, etc were REALLY dorky. Not to mention what happens when the kid tries to do a high side kick at a bully and gets his ankle broken.
But other posters have made the valid point that schools are a little intense these days with fighting. I would suggest punching the bully in the nose. Also, I’d be doing some pretty thorough documentation of everything else that has been done thus far, as well as photos of the bruises, for backup in case your son’s actions come under fire.
Pay a big high school kid to beat the living Christ out of the bullies. Have him tell them, “If I ever hear of you picking on Shanti’s Boy again, I’ll put you in the hospital.”
When 2 of my class friends and me started grade 5, couple of older boys started with small taunts and threats. On the first incident of physical abuse (one of the bullies mimicked strangling my friend) I spoke to my two older brothers who were in high school at the time. Next day the bullies got bullied to theri senses and, voila - it stopped just like that. And best of all, nobody got hurt in the process. It just stopped as it started.
Question - what would be wrong with scenario above for bully problem resolution?
:rolleyes: Counselling and other sappy liberal horseshit put me back together again. Don’t disrespect it.
That said, I agree with the broad thrust of the thread: kids should be taught to defend themselves. I was bullied and my self-confidence was badly damaged, partly because I didn’t know how to defend myself. (I was also one of the odd ones with basically a target on my back as well.) I wish I had had some of the advice and support described here.
While I do agree with most of the other suggestions parents can take, this still needs to be done. Bullies don’t pick on people that will turn it into a fight. They want to bully, not fight. And if they believe you will punch them in the face, they’ll pick on someone else.
Also, by fighting back, your kid will feel much better about himself now and for the rest of his life. I had one bigger kid bully me in 9th grade, I think. An older kid I knew saw it and made us fight. We did, I got to punch him in the face a few times, and the kid never bothered me again the rest of high school.
It was the same for me. Anybody just starting martial arts always tries to do a flash move on a bully to show off. It never worked (for me at least). Remember, martial arts only look good when someone good does them!
I can’t however ignore the conditioning TKD gave me though, the blocking ability, and the chance to try throwing a good solid punch at a hard target.
Remember though; you have a yellow belt, you are not a ninja.
I said call the police and file charges–but I don’t have kids. And I agree that fighting back (I’d prefer a kid study martial arts and threaten to use it and then do so if necessary) might be the only other option.
But still–those kids need to learn that they can’t get away with this. Is calling the police really a bad option? That’s a serious question.
It teaches bullies that there are consequences for their treatment of other people. There may be a misanthrope who escalate things - as I noted, I found one - but most people, when they realize that they might get hurt, will refrain from hurting other people.
Horseshit. It is absolutely not immoral to vigorously defend oneself from an unjustifed assault. A police officer does not lose the moral high ground by shooting a perp who has a gun pointed at him, and a bullied kid does not lose the moral high ground by defending himself, either. (note: by this comparison, I am NOT inferring that deadly force is an option for self-defense against bullying. The victim’s aim should be to teach the bully a lesson, not ruin/end his life.)
It can indeed, as I mentioned in my earlier post. In most cases, it will not; it will decrease violence against the former victim.
For comparison’s sake, I lost track of how many times I caught shit from bullies after pursuing official sanctions against them. An hour or two of detention doesn’t hurt or embarrass - or stick in the memory - as much as a bloody nose.
Not my fault; blame no one but the bully for this. Moreover, if other victims learn to stand up for themselves, this won’t be an issue.
I hear lots of “cans” here, but very little mention of what’s likely. Most of the folks here who have been bullied are reporting that physically violent self-defense worked out quite well for them.