She was so quiet (except on Saturdays when she played either Meatloaf or Mannilow on her stereo) I didn’t even know she had passed until maintenance started throwing all her possessions out the window into a portable dumpster. She was old enough to be my mother (I’m 45 if you’ve forgotten), so it’s not entirely unexpected. She had one of those “Hate Has No Home Here!” heart-shaped signs in her window. I was up watching the news when the election was called for Trump. So was she. I know because I heard her yell and lament for literally twenty minutes. When everybody else in the building was too lazy or apathetic to call management about something, she always took the initiative and called.
She was also a dog lover and proud member of the ASPCA. Years ago, before I moved in, when the complex ruled that you couldn’t have a dog she fought like hell to get her beloved pet grandfathered in. When I made a similar post on FaceBook, a cousin of mine made a donation to an animal rescue organization in my neighbor’s name.
She was a good human being. There should be a general wailing and rending of clothes here. Instead, I seem to be the only one to even notice that she’s gone. It’s wrong and profoundly disturbing.
Well, at least she’s been given this brief remembrance.
I live alone and I don’t anticipate that changing between now and… whenever. Sometimes I worry about rotting away for weeks on end before attracting someone’s attention. Not much I can do about that.
At my old job we were occasionally tasked with cleaning a place out after someone had died. A part of me always recoiled a bit at the business of unceremoniously disposing of everything.
When my dad died, I had to clean his apartment out. It took me a while to accept the fact that the total arc of his life had ended with a few boxes of belongings and the rest of his things going to St. Vincent de Paul.
If management threw out her stuff, I’m assuming she had no family whatsoever? That iemphasized texts sad.
Does your building/complex have a newsletter? If so, I wonder if they’d let you do a write-up on her.
Still, don’t assume you’re the only one who mourns her loss. Do your neighbors know how you feel about her passing? If not, isn’t it possible they’re feeling the same, but you don’t know it? Then there are all those she’s had casual encounters with: the cashier at the grocery store, the owners of the dogs she petted while walking by, her fellow volunteers at whatever organization she cared about. Even if they don’t know she’s gone, they’ll miss her in their own ways.
She sounds like a wonderful person. I’m sorry she’s gone.
I just thought to do a search of the Philly Inquirer (the local newspaper of note) either she had no obituary, or it isn’t coming up in a search.
My complex has no newsletter. I plan on posting something in the vestibule so people will see it. I just need to get more ink for my printer as my handwriting is very tough to read.
My condo of ~150 units is very social. But some folks choose not to participate.
We had one lady who had lived here 40 years die recently. I’m told that at one time she and her husband had been major players in the social swim. He’s been gone 15 years, and she spent most of her remaining years as a shut-in.
As I do for all these things, I posted a short notice on our bulletin boards. I got nothing but questions about who was this mysterious person nobody had ever heard of. Talking with some of the other long-timers, her last real friend among the residents had died 4 years ago. She was the last of her era.
Sad. Just like the OP’s neighbor. It’s more than sad, it’s tragic.
But common as heck. Roughly 11,000 Americans die every single day. An awful lot of them are terribly, terribly anonymous. Such is the human condition at least as practiced in the USA.
From what the OP writes, she seems to have been an overall decent person, but no mention is made of direct meaningful connections the neighbor made with any other people. In the absence of such connections and relationships, it does not surprise me that no one mourns - or even much notices - her passing.
It is both surprising and depressing how little is left of a person once he/she has gone. Once the clothes and everyday articles have gone, there is not actually a lot left. And what do you want to remember them by? I have asked myself that question every time someone passed on. Something they used that was very much theirs? Some item that they liked? Something they made? Something they wrote? To most other people those things will not be of any interest and they get thrown out unceremoniously.
Clothes are not necessarily something I want to keep… I was offered clothes from three dead relatives. We were all about the same size, so most things fitted reasonably well, but I think in the end I only took a few shirts, anything else was too poignant.
And the whole thing of a person dying almost unnoticed is an increasing issue in the modern world with many people living as singles and remaining childless. Not just the USA, also Europe. Or old people who outlive their contemporaries and don’t have children, or don’t get on with them. A few years ago in Poland I heard that the old lady who lived down the road had died. I had never noticed her when she was alive (at that time I only visited Poland intermittently) and the neighbors knew her only slightly better. When she died, myself and the missus and one set of neighbors were the only ones at the funeral. But I heard of worse cases in Germany.
The nightmare scenario of anyone, like me, who lives alone is dying without anyone noticing. A couple of years ago, the New York Times ran an article (paywall warning) about elderly Japanese living and dying alone. After one man died, what remained of his body was only discovered when the authorities checked on him after his bills went unpaid, because for three years after his death, the bills were automatically paid by bank withdrawals. (So that may be an argument against auto bill payment.) One woman has an arrangement with the neighbor facing her apartment, that she would close the curtain each evening and open it in the morning. If she doesn’t do that, the neighbor should check on her.
No mention is made, so you jump to the conclusion there were none. How do YOU know she didn’t make those connections? Since she loved dogs, she may well have petted and/or treated neighbors’ dogs when she saw them. She may have greeted the guy down the hall when he came home from work. She may well have had connections online.
I see myself in that woman. I, too, live alone. I, too, love dogs. The other residents of the complex call me “the Mary Poppins of dogs” because I treat the pups and have trained them to sit politely and wait their turn. If I died tonight, my downstairs neighbor would miss me, but she, like the OP, might well assume nobody else did. And she’d be wrong. She doesn’t know how many people PM or text or call me; she wouldn’t know how many of them would grieve. What proof is needed that people miss someone? Black wreaths in the windows? Weeping and wailing that can be heard for blocks around?
We live in a society where people are not supposed to grieve publicly. They’re supposed to allow the rest of us to live in comfortable denial that death exists. Given that, nobody should assume there were no connections made simply because there are no obvious signs of grief.
Maybe - but it’s still kind of jumping to conclusions. When my mother-in-law passed away, I’m pretty sure we paid the super to dispose of whatever we didn’t want. ( I’m not 100% sure because it was a long time ago, but I think I’d remember if we made multiple trips timed for the day before trash pick-up)
And while it’s possible she had no friends or family, it’s also possible that she did and the OP just doesn’t know. My neighbors are my neighbors, not my friends and they wouldn’t necessarily know my family or friends or remember they existed even if they had seen them once in a while.
Saw a documentary about this in LA. They have a person who looks for friends or next of kin to take the body. If nobody claims the body they cremate it and bury ashes in a grave with other ashes. They hold onto the stuff I think for 6 months then sell it off. other cities or states might have a similar program.
I live by myself. If I were to die and not show up at work, folks would call and if I didn’t answer they’d call my sister. Or my neighbor would call as she’d see my car was still there.
If it was the weekend, then folks probably wouldn’t find out until then.
I saw that same documentary; it was well done and curiously poignant. It started with what others have mentioned, the situation of people dying alone with no obvious connections and sometimes having no one notice for a while, in circumstances that are all too routine. Certain people in the system who were officially involved went to considerable lengths to search for anyone, relative or friend, they might be able to notify, and I was impressed with the humanity of their efforts. Not everyone gets happily re-uinted with beloved family, but at least someone tries, and everyone is treated with some degree of respect and acknowledgement.
I have lived alone for the past three years and would certainly not be missed in any immediate way - i.e. No one will say, gosh, she’s not at her desk and didn’t call in. These days it’s not unusual to be home for days at a time, so I could easily have some sort of attack and collapse like the proverbial tree alone in the forest. I wouldn’t lay there for three years, but a couple days? Sure. Just so long as someone checks in time to take care of the cat, that’s all I care.
I think my situation would be sort of sad, in that not many would miss me or much note my passing. I will disappear quickly. Kind thoughts to your good neighbor, and to you for caring.
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