Leaffan, like everyone else has said here, there is obviously more going on than rotten vegetables and a toilet paper roll, but one thing that came through loud and clear for me is your intense pain and frustration. Please find someone to talk to about this situation- you sound very unhappy, and I’m guessing your whole family is pretty unhappy too.
Well?
(Maybe I should move)
Since this was your last post, I am under the impression that you will not feel safe laying down your real issues and your wife’s issues and that you have totally abandoned the idea of depending on some of your doper brethren to help you through this tough spot. I know some of us can be quite judgmental and give you quite a backhand when you post off the cuff like you did earlier. We can only go by the info you give us, and if your recollections are quite subjective and one-sided, you will only receive terse and short replies that question your real intentions.
If you take another day or two off from this thread and come back with an even keeled attitude to express the real issues other than the vegetables and TP, then we will take you more seriously and even give you better ideas on how to identify and correct the problems that you AND your wife face. I can relate on general level with you because my wife and I have bitched over petty stuff lots of time and it really does come down to “Taking each other for granted”. I bet she has a laundry list of things you do (or don’t do) that irritate her as well.
Anyways, professional help is by far the best advice that has been given so far. It’s valuable for a third party to help a couple take subjective issues and complaints, identify the real underlying issues and how to address them, and hopefully find a way to forgive and move on with your lives…regardless if you want to remain married OR still opt for divorce.
Good Luck.
I was trying to follow this post, but I’m still stuck on the fresh vegetables issue. Does it really hurt fresh vegetiables to be in the same compartment as less fresh vegetables?
Not that I would think, unless the stale stuff was actually moldy/slimy and they came into direct contact. The mold/slime could transfer to the fresh stuff, I guess. Me, I’d toss the stale stuff, rinse off the fresh stuff, and call it a day. These two incidents are not battles I would personally choose.
Too little, too late, but maybe this will help you or someone else in the future:
I think you screwed up by waiting at home. You should’ve been out having a good meal of your own & then hanging out at a sports bar until midnight (or something like that).
Now, taking the kids out to dinner will be an important tool in her future arsenal, since it worked. Even if she apologized and agreed to never do it again.
Yes, thumbs-up on this part. It’s practical and highly important.
This not so much. As long as the person before me has left the roll where I can see it and reach it, I’m happy. The TP won’t spoil sitting on the counter. Maybe this can be a point of concession on your part.
That’s what I was wondering, too…if you’re in the situation where you have to see a Children’s Aid worker to begin with, that’s probably not a great sign, and if said worker says your kids are scared of you, and you’re happy about that…that just seems bad.
One parent stealing the kids and separating them from the other parent is all kinds of wrong. You don’t take the kids away from your spouse unless your spouse is an abuser or you’re a psycho.
A minor point, but it seems from the OP that Leaffan was doing the cooking and had already started the meal (i.e., the potatoes).
I said before that I think the vegetable thing is sort of important. I still think so, but much depends on how he broached the subject with her.
They might spoil faster. I know that ripening/rotting fruit gives off a certain gas which will make other fruit ripen faster. If you have fruit that is not quite ripe enough to eat, put it in a brown paper bag with a banana for a day or two. I suppose that old vegetables could give off a similar gas.
She didn’t “steal the kids”, she took them out for dinner. I strongly suspect that had she taken off by herself, the lament would be “she took off and left me with the kids”.
Well, you say “took them to dinner” I say “took them temporarily hostage,” or “saved them from abuse.”
Wait, which was it? Took them hostage or saved them from abuse?
I agree that it wasn’t the best solution, but how is taking the kids out to dinner taking them hostage? I went places with only one parent a lot of times, and it wasn’t a big deal…
I have no idea which it is, but I said I think it’s messed up when parents have a fight and one takes the kids away, even if it is just for dinner, supposedly. Something’s going on and parents don’t take the kids away from the other parent without that parent being in on it, especially after an argument.
If mom had left to have dinner by herself, it might not bother me so much.
Of course it’s not a big deal for one parent to take the kids someplace. Unless it’s right after an argument and one parent is making dinner and the other parent puts the kids in the car and leaves.
To play devil’s advocate, it’s probably the best way to defuse the situation–better than storming after him and getting into a screaming match that nobody’s going to feel good about later, or locking herself into her bedroom/heading out by herself and leaving the kids going “bwuh?”
This way, the kids get distracted by the nice food and setting, it’s a public place so they’re all forced to behave themselves and act nicely, and the wife gets a breathing space to calm down.
To Leaffan: My suggestion–write a letter, detailing every single exact frustration and issue you have with your wife. Rant, rave, curse, whatever you need to do. Then turn off the computer and leave it (or lock it away in a drawer) and go and chill out–spend some time alone–and come back in a week’s time.
Reread the letter, and if there’s stuff that still stands out–stuff that’s really important to you–jot it down separately and show your wife. Talk to her about it.
FWIW, YMMV, etc.
Leaving is a great way for one person to diffuse a heated situation. Taking the kids with you is basically hostage taking or protecting them. I don’t know which it is here.
Or, it’s just… taking them with you. Kind of like leaving them would just be leaving them, unless you feel that leaving them would automatically be some sort of abandonment.
That’s just it…you can’t read anything into it, because you can’t know what her thought processes were. I happen to like having dinner with my kids. If I got mad at my husband, I could see myself saying, “You know what? I’m really annoyed with you right now…I’m taking the kids out for dinner. See you in an hour.” On the other hand, sometimes I like getting a break from everyone. So, I could also see myself saying “You know what? I’m really annoyed with you right now…I’m going out for dinner, you feed the kids. See you in an hour.” I certainly wouldn’t consider the former to be taking my own kids “hostage,” any more than I would consider the latter to be abandoning them.
Why would you take the kids when dad is home? You take your cell phone with you. You take your wallet with you. I don’t understand why you take the kids with you to cool off from an argument, unless you feel your kids are in danger or you’re playing a game.