Nation pours its heart out over report that attractive white woman is missing

CROOKSTON, Minn. (AP) Law-enforcement officials, TV crews and newspaper reporters rushed to this frosty northern city to cover the latest incident in a disturbing trend – attractive white women who go missing.

“We’re giving this our top priority,” said FBI spokeswoman Rita Warner. “We’re pulling agents away from that case about the fat slob Guatemalan who disappeared.”

“This case is being handled by a special task force on Missing Attractive White Woman, or MAWW.”

TV networks flashed the missing white woman’s picture across the nation, each competing to find a photo of her looking sexier than the last. “This could be the next Laci Peterson,” said CBS executive Brant Whitelaw. “We don’t want to get behind the curve.”

Feminist lawyer Gloria Allred had harsh words for a nation where “this could be allowed to happen.”

“Why aren’t attractive white women given more protection?” Allred angrily demanded. “I mean, it’s not going to break my heart if we lose a thousand of those guys like the man O.J. Simpson killed. What was his name?”

At a coffee shop in this quiet Minnesota town, Allis-Chalmers employee Wade Gristock watched the flood of reports on the missing attractive white woman. “She sure looks cute,” he muttered over his pecan pie. “Shame to see anything bad happen to a cute one like that.”

Go ahead…be a cynic.

But they give the people what they want. It’s part of the inherent conflict between news gathering and reporting and the profit motive.

Sounds Onionish to me. But to be fair, it’s a pretty freaky scenario that seems to be playing out there. When i first read about it I thought that a guy had been abducted, since the first name was not familiar to me. Her boyfriend received a couple of phone calls, first one is ‘oh my god…’ {click} Second is no voice but can here buttons being pushed. Sounds a lot like a body being dragged and inadvertently auto-dialling the last number in the list. I know that I’ve placed cellphone calls several times when I’ve forgotten to lock the keypad and the phone is just bouncing around in my pocket.

Supposed to provide links with type of threads, aren’t we?

I’ll help:

Oh wait, this ain’t the pit. Never mind.