So there I am on my couch last night, watching Comedy Central and happily tossing malted milk balls into the air and catching them in my mouth, as I tend to do every once in a while. Then, a freaky thing happened. At the precise second that one landed in my mouth, I hiccuped.
Next thing you know, I have this malted milk ball wedged in my airway. It couldn’t have been stuck in there for more than a few seconds, but a number of thoughts flashed into my brain simultaneously as I choked on this piece of candy…
I’m alone.
I can’t call an ambulance because I can’t talk. Besides, I’ll be dead by the time the ambulance gets here and the cops break down the door.
If I die from this, people are going to make jokes about it for years, a la Mama Cass.
No freaking way I’m going out like this.
I hope I can remember how to self-administer the Heimlich Maneuver. Shit, that was back in 9th grade health class, wasn’t it?
-Don’t panic.
I’d like to say that I saved myself by self-administering the H-maneuver, but I didn’t. I just kinda writhed around for a couple seconds and the malted milk ball worked its own way out somehow.
That sucked. It was even worse than that “Oh, shit” feeling you get when you realize you’ve just lost your wallet. I never want to go through that again.
The way to self-administer abdominal thrusts is to bend over a chair-back (or something similar) and thrust yourself onto that, so that the chair back is doing what hands would do in a regular abominal thrust.
Of course the only thing for us dopers to do now is to get working on tombstone epitaphs so we’ll be ready with your memorial when you do kick the bucket and go to that malted milk ball factory in the sky.
Death by Chocolate
He died having a ball
In Malted Milk Memory of…
So, um, can I finish off that bag of malted milk balls then? I mean, you really don’t want to traumatize yourself again, do you? I could REALLY use the chocolate right now.
BunnyGirl, they’re all yours. I never want to see another “Whopper” as long as I live.
jarbabyj, thanks for the plaque. Can I count it in the “awards” field of my People Pages profile?
BTW, if this ever happens again and I end up succumbing to the destructive power of the malted milk ball, the Teeming Millions must see to it that the following epitaph appears on my tombstone:
<epitaph>
Here lies THespos
a poster who’s quirky.
Choked on a “Whopper.”
Or was it beef jerky?
</epitaph>
I would hope that the MPSIMS crowd would then call on the vast legal resources of the SDMB (you know, all those people who post “IAAL” in response to legal questions in GQ) and sue the pants off whatever corporate conglomerate produces Whoppers. Divide the proceeds from the settlement amongst yerselves and have a big kegger or something.
I always feared I would go out in a singularly undignified way such as this.
Woman Chokes on Gum, Dies Alone, page A-24.
I can see the tiny headline. Or it’ll make USA Today on a real slow news day.
I’d call 911 anyway and let them hear my final gasps, and if I have some airflow, I may last until they bust down the door, who knows?
Thanks for the laugh!