Need Grammar Nazi help fast (comma placement)

I am working on getting a manuscript published and just got back some suggested grammar changes from the journal. Most I agree were my mistake but for one I’m not sure. Consider the following sentence

They recommend a comma between type and use. I think the punctuation is correct as is. Any grammar nazis out there want to give the definitive answer?

IANAGN, but when I read that, I thought it really needed a comma right there, even before reading their recommendation. I would also put a comma following “drifters”:

“We recommend scruffy drifters, using a double barreled shotgun when fighting zombies of the fast moving type, use only one barrel and leave the second in reserve.”

Also, maybe an “and” after “shotgun”:

“We recommend scruffy drifters, using a double barreled shotgun and when fighting zombies of the fast moving type, use only one barrel and leave the second in reserve.”

ETA: Unless the zombie attack is immanent, and you’re going for that breathless run a bunch of sentences together into one long sentence feel. In which case it maybe needs an exclamation mark at the end.

The sentence is a bit awkward, and IMHO adding a comma there doesn’t really help.

I would recommend rewording thus:

We recommend that when fighting zombies of the fast-moving type using a double-barreled shotgun, scruffy drifters use only one barrel and leave the second in reserve.

Or, perhaps better:

We recommend that when using a double-barreled shotgun to fight zombies of the fast-moving type, scruffy drifters use only one barrel and leave the second in reserve.

Also, “double-barreled” and “fast-moving” should be hyphenated.

That sounds right to me, although IANAGN.

What sort of journal is it? :wink:

The sentence has too few commas.

I am neither a Nazi nor a grammarian but my reaction is similar to ZenBeam’s. (I’d probably also add a “that” before “scruffy.”) The commas enclose an adjectival phrase. To add a comma after “type” but without a comma after “drifters” might not make as much sense grammatically, but still seems a reasonable practical choice. :cool:

I would rephrase as:

“When using a double-barreled shotgun to fight zombies of the fast-moving type, we recommend scruffy drifters use only one barrel and leave the second in reserve.”

Personally I’m not sure of the necessity to specify “scruffy drifters,” but hey, it’s your manuscript.

I AM a Grammar Nazi. I recommend Colophon’s second version:
“We recommend that when using a double-barreled shotgun to fight zombies of the fast-moving type, scruffy drifters use only one barrel and leave the second in reserve.”

I don’t think commas would improve the sentence. I would consider rewriting it along these lines, though:

“When fighting zombies of the fast moving type scruffy drifters armed with a double barreled shotgun should use only one barrel at a time.”

Thanks for all of the prompt responses. I ended up taking the sentence apart and putting it back together in the form similar to that recommended by Prof. Pepperwinkle.

If you re-wrote it that way, I’d put a comma between “type” and “scruffy.” It reads awkwardly otherwise.

The rest of the re-writes here seem fine. I like Colophons’s and DCnDC’s versions fine.

Why the hell anyone would put a comma between “type” and “use” in the OP’s sentence is beyond me. A comma there makes no sense as far as I can see and would confuse the heck out of me if I saw it in print. Needless to say, the sentence as written also required me a couple restarts to figure out what was being conveyed.

We recommend scruffy drifters using a double barreled shotgun, when fighting zombies of the fast moving type. Use only one barrel and leave the second in reserve.