Need to vent about my marriage

[HMS_Irruncible]

@Me_Billy

It is probably her “time of the month”, wait a few days and it will pass…

STFU dude.

[SeaDragonTattoo]

She needs her own private counseling. She will never be able to explore why she has these outbursts if she thinks you might hear about it some day in a session or otherwise. She needs a therapist to help her explore where it’s coming from, and to figure out how to stop it. If the reason ever comes out to you, it needs to come from her not from mutual couples counseling.

[j666]

@HMS_Irruncible

I think you missed the part where he tried to support the cook and then she attacked him.

Yes, I did. I didn’t see anything about the cook attacking, just some unjustified and unproductive snarking. Nor did I see any support for the cook, just the OP and the boys getting into a pissing contest. What’s the point in praising the meal to the high heavens if you then promote an environment so hostile that no-one eats?

No-one exactly shone with a blinding light here, but I have some sympathy for someone who tried to put together a nice meal, got a pointless and unproductive dinner table fight in response, and took it out on the nearest adult rather than the kids. Send the kids off to finish their homework and let everyone else eat in peace.

[HMS_Irruncible]

@j666

Yes, I did. I didn’t see anything about the cook attacking, just some unjustified and unproductive snarking.

Then you need to read the OP again. He praised her profusely for serving a great meal, boxing the ears of the kids who didn’t appreciate it. For his troubles he got accused of not being supportive enough.

[Green_Bean]

@Velocity

The thank you is *not *the real issue. She is determined to find something - *something *- to use against you. If it weren’t ‘thank you’, people like this would just invent another cause to use against you.

The sooner you realize this, the healthier your sanity.

Aren’t you the guy who starts thread after thread relating to your lack of success in relationships?

@Arrendajo

Maybe the root of your marital problem is the picky eater kids. Is there any way you can ditch them? No? You’re sure? Well, it sounds like a grating situation, Sterling Archer. Vent away.

Solution: eat the kids.

[scootergirl]

@Green_Bean

Solution: eat the kids.

You are a genius, Green Bean!

[scootergirl]

I’m not sure what to say that could help. I hope things get better for you and your family.

[Urbanredneck]

My wife and I used to have several such incidents where she would ignore the kids behavior and go after me.

Yes, bottom line, for her, its easier to go after YOU than the kids. Heck your easy because she knows she can always control you with sex. Plus she wants YOU to be the meanie of the family to the kids. My wife basically wanted me to be a timid husband like her father had been. Her mother had him totally under her thumb because he just wasn’t very assertive and wouldn’t tell her “no”. Ever. Not until he decided to divorce her.

What I did was I stood my ground and wouldn’t allow her to push me around. She was also realizing she had no control of the kids and needed me to back her up. My wife needed to #1. stop blaming me for problems with the kids and #2 grow a backbone and discipline the kids herself. Also I got her mother to back me so she slowly changed her ways and now we work together much better as a team on parenting issues.

[Velocity]

@j666

Yes, I did. I didn’t see anything about the cook attacking, just some unjustified and unproductive snarking. **Nor did I see any support for the cook, **just the OP and the boys getting into a pissing contest. What’s the point in **praising the meal to the high heavens **if you then promote an environment so hostile that no-one eats?

Sounds to me that “praising the meal to the high heavens” ***is ***a way of “support for the cook,” no?

[Penfeather]

@Green_Bean

Aren’t you the guy who starts thread after thread relating to your lack of success in relationships?
Solution: eat the kids.

A modest proposal.

[Sterling_Archer]

@j666

So, you and the boys ruined dinner, with the boys being right jerks and you turning it into a power struggle, with a huge bru-ha-ha that ends with one boy swearing, you shouting, some else crying, no-one eating dinner, but somehow the cook is at fault?

That being said, your mistake was not in not saying thank-you, it was in escalating the situation, and the cook should have been able to express that. You should have just excused the kid from the table, with the restriction that no, he could not turn on the t.v. until dinner was over and the dishes were washed.

The cook wasn’t too clever in serving a meal of all new stuff to timid eaters, either, though. (Have you researched hypersensitivity to taste? It’s a real thing, not just being picky.)

(And I strongly recommend you refer to the boys as timid eaters in public, unless they really hypersensitive to taste.)

Wow. Wrong in every possible way.

[Sterling_Archer]

Had a long talk, she has apologized profusely. She says she did not mean to attack me at all, she was trying to express that the boys were lacking a grateful attitude and she has no idea why it came out that way. She said just chalk it up to a “dumb comment”. She knows this is an ongoing issue and we are working on it. Thanks for letting me vent!

[Sterling_Archer]

@HMS_Irruncible

If it were me I would address the most obvious problem… the lack of sufficient “thank you”. And explore exactly what that means.

I did explore this a bit and heard something interesting. She expressed how when she was a kid, she remembered that when her Grandparents would visit, no matter how crazy the kids were or how little was prepared, her Grandpa would always make a point of thanking her mother for the meal.

I think this kind of stuff gets in the way of our relationship quite often. She has these idealized memories of her childhood and she has expectations that we are going to duplicate her memories. So when things are a little off, she goes back to those memories and tries to find what is missing perhaps? The whole thing is weird because it happened near the beginning of the meal. Do I thank her after each bite? Still not sure about that.

But I think the real key is dropping the expectations of everything matching up with her best memories of her childhood family.

[HMS_Irruncible]

@Sterling_Archer

I did explore this a bit and heard something interesting. She expressed how when she was a kid, she remembered that when her Grandparents would visit, no matter how crazy the kids were or how little was prepared, her Grandpa would always make a point of thanking her mother for the meal.

I think this kind of stuff gets in the way of our relationship quite often. She has these idealized memories of her childhood and she has expectations that we are going to duplicate her memories.

Whatever weirdo things happened in the past, you can’t go wrong with expressing gratitude in the present, frequently and vigorously.

Just 2 days ago I thought my marriage was done. Then I offered my wife some very effective advice on a work-related issue that she was struggling with, and now she thinks I hung the moon.

Patch it up with the wife. Stop being stubborn and listen to her. If you don’t have her then who else do you have?

[Sterling_Archer]

Huh? Stop being stubborn? We did patch things up. I have no idea what you’re responding to.

Did you forget that I did actually thank her? Sequence of events: She serves me food, I THANKED her, kids complain, I deal with kids and praise the food, she attacks me for not thanking her.

Anyway, we are moving on, just keeping an eye on the pattern of behavior. (and I apologized for reacting harshly also – it was an emotional moment, and of course I could have handled it in a cooler, calmer fashion)

[Alessan]

Frankly, I’d have been more angry at her for criticizing my parenting skills in front of my kids. If anything can make a child less respectful toward their parents, it’s that.

[edwardcoast]

@Sterling_Archer

I just don’t know if I can take it anymore. This kind of stuff happens ALL the time. On it’s own, it may seem like a silly thing, but this is a perfect example of what I deal with in this marriage every. single. day.

THE STORY:

My wife decided to make something new for dinner. It was DELICIOUS. I praised it to the high heavens. Of course, our boys age 5 - 13 did not react well, they are extremely picky eaters. I was taking the lead on dealing with their behavior, telling them it was very good and they needed to give it a chance, etc etc. Finally one of the boys was just over-the-top rude and I sent him to his room without dinner. So I continued to deal with the behavior of the other boys telling them if they didn’t love it the problem was they just needed to get used to it, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the food. (it was chicken enchiladas by the way, chicken, cheese, tortillas, creamy sauce, nothing spicy)

Suddenly my wife pipes in, looking at me, “Maybe you need to be more thankful so they can follow your example.”

Say WHAT?! I tried to clarify, saying “I have been DEFENDING you and this food strenuously, what do you mean my example?”

She said “Well I just haven’t heard a thank-you”.

I lost it at this point and went on a rant that went something like "We are dealing with major behavior issues here and I am doing everything I can to defend you and fight for you, and you’re sitting here this whole time being mad at ME because I didn’t say “thank you”? She kept going on and on about modeling gratefulness… I felt like screaming!

WHAT THE HELL. I think this relationship is doomed. I have stayed in it too long. (married 15 years!) She always always always goes against me when there is ANY conflict, ANY discipline issue with the kids, I am the bad guy. I can’t keep doing this anymore.

Edit-to-add: You know what the most ridiculous part is? I DID say thank you. She served me the food and I said “Thank you”. Not that that should even matter, the complaint is so stupid in context.

Chicken enchiladas? Yuck! I’m with the kids on this one. The meal was no good, and no amount of you telling them it is good is going to change it. How dare you marry a woman who doesn’t know how to property prepare food for children. I’m embarrassed for you just reading this. As for the kids, if she tries to feed them anything less than gooey pizza, you should consider putting them up for adoption to further shield.

Seriously, you two need to go to couples therapy.

[edwardcoast]

@Sterling_Archer

I could sure use a joint right now.

Nah. That’s for weaklings and losers. Go solve your problem, don’t hide from it. Couples therapy.

[edwardcoast]

@Arrendajo

Maybe the root of your marital problem is the picky eater kids. Is there any way you can ditch them? No? You’re sure? Well, it sounds like a grating situation, Sterling Archer. Vent away.

Could consider sending the kids to live with relatives. Hopefully ones that serve better food. But I doubt that would solve the OP’s problem long-term.

[edwardcoast]

@Sterling_Archer

I don’t know how to fix something that has a completely unknown root cause. We have gone the counseling route several times. Doesn’t help this.

Find a better one. She might need to go to therapy by herself to address her own issues. But she might need medication too. To get upset to the point of being irrational isn’t normal behavior. Especially if she has admitted she doesn’t know why she gets that way.

I have a friend who’s wife behaves as you mentioned, and she is taking some type of anti-anxiety medication for it. Before that she would get very irritable for no real reason and lash out at him becoming agitated that would sometimes last for hours or days. One of the problems he said that therapy was able to help her overcome, was to make her realize that when she got that way, the “thing” bothering her wasn’t the reason for her behavior and feelings, it was a brain chemistry thing.