I’m really glad you worked it out.
Maybe you can agree to make the dinner table a DMZ?
My point was the boxing the kid’s ears, metaphorically or otherwise, and even praising dinner, wasn’t productive; it turned the dinner table into a battlefield (and the kid won), by the way), ruining a nicely prepared meal for everyone.
So…do you still have the leftover enchiladas?
mmm
Depression can also express itself as irrational anger.
This. If parents undercut each other in dealing with the kids, all it does is give the kids power to play the parents off against each other, and have more control over situations than is healthy for them.
You back the other parent up (or at least don’t say/do anything to detract from what they’re saying) in dealing with the kids directly, then talk out any disagreements in approach when it’s just the two of you.
This rang true to me.
And yet you seem new to the concept of “marriage”.
Have you tried…you know…giving it to her…sexually?
Marriage can also express itself as rational depression:(
ETA: I’d also suggest being matter-of-fact with the picky kids so they don’t get to control meals. This is the dinner selection. You can eat it, or go hungry. If you whine or complain, you go to your room. We are not discussing if you don’t like the food, because it’s rude and not how polite people behave. You are only allowed to say “no thank you” if you don’t want a particular item. If you don’t like anything, tough. Then you aren’t hungry.
Worked with my nephew.
THIS! It took me ages to stop responding to every perceived slight as my mom would. Step one: stop seeing slights in every interaction…
That was a joke. Well, more like hyperbolic emotion. I don’t, nor have I ever, smoked pot.
You’re still wrong. She thanked me repeatedly for defending her and for doing a great job with the kids. When the dinner table started to become a “battlefield” (nobody swore by the way, just general rudeness and disrespect) the child was sent away from the table.
The meal was ruined, but not by me. It was all fairly standard stuff until her comment.
Seconding this.
I am glad this is worked out. Next time, if she says “I didn’t hear a Thank You” after you said “Thank You” you might consider responding “Thank you for dinner - it is very good”.
My $.02 worth, and cheap at half the price.
Regards,
Shodan
Sometimes my wife needs to remind me that I’m supposed to be on her side. I never actively oppose her but I often fail to make it clear that I am actually supporting her. She used to express this in other ways, but I never quite understood until she put it in terms of “sides.” Maybe you just need to remind your wife that you’re on the same team.
You are being way over dramatic. Her comment was an “attack”, kids not complaining about food as “major behavior issues”, she “always” goes against you an “ANY” issues dealing with “ANY” discipline. You were wanting to have your kids grow up without an intact family because your wife had one piece of criticism.
Your catastrophizing and over dramatic way of thinking is causing you to “lose it”. You need to deescalate your thinking and get control of your emotions. Kids are going to be picky eaters, and wives are going to complain about stupid things, that is just the way of the world. No need to go to Defcon 5 over trivialities.
Hate to be “that guy,”…but you probably mean DEFCON-1, not 5.
Chicken enchiladas are the worstest. They make me puke. Honestly anything other than corn dogs or chicken nuggets is disgusting and anyone who eats anything other than that is a horrible human being.
And adoption is too good for these kids. I would just drive them hundreds of miles out into the wilderness and push them out of the car and let them fend for themselves.
Exactly. Praising someone for something they have done is never a good idea. The last time someone praised me for doing an excellent job I punched them in the face several times and put them in the hospital.
May I make a suggestion on dinner? Implement the peanut butter sandwich rule. If the kids don’t like something - after trying it - they say thank you and make themselves a peanut butter sandwich. They are responsible for all making and cleaning up of the peanut butter sandwich. The dinner they don’t eat becomes leftovers you or she can take for lunch.
I suspect the issue is that your kids are at a trying age, and you pick battles she has decided to drop - she picks battles you have decided to drop. Drop the dinner battle. Its inconsequential in the scheme of things and adds a point of conflict. And its too easy for her to believe its about her - its easy to escalate into “no one appreciates me.”
IMHO, manners is an important battle to fight (the “I don’t like it” whine gets you sent up to your room with no dinner - they won’t starve in one night), cleaning up public spaces (if you want to keep your room dirty, fine - but you pick your coat up off the floor of the family room), getting your homework and chores done. Not doing drugs (don’t make the joint comment aloud until your kids are in their 20s) But you and her have got to decide which are the important battles to fight. And divorce wouldn’t lessen the friction there when you let the kids do something she doesn’t and she snipes at you when she has them for it. Or she lets them get away with something you don’t want them to do.
I gotta agree with this. I’m reading through the OP, seeing a fairly typical (not common, but typical) situation and then suddenly
Holy shit. You need a plan in place the next time this happens, because it’s going to happen again. In my case, I had to decide that I was just going to love my wife; when she gets (IMHO) irrational, I do everything I can to force myself to double down on niceness. It’s hard and I fail frequently, but it doesn’t go unnoticed. Every marriage is different and if overlooking someone’s irrational behavior stops being a two-way street, I wouldn’t want to encourage anyone to be a doormat. But if your marriage is built on a foundation of mutual effort then fighting fire with kindness can work wonders.
I don’t think that this is entirely accurate. I’ll stipulate that it wasn’t your “fault,” inasmuch as you didn’t instigate the conflict, but I don’t think that you can reasonably state that you didn’t escalate the conflict. I think that a fair case could be made that the escalation contributed to the “ruining” of the meal as much as anything else.
Been there, on the irrational wife side. I want a quiet meal. The kids are snippy. I can ignore snippy kids and have decided to ignore snippy. What I can’t ignore is my husband deciding that tonight dinner needs to be full of conflict over snippy kids. Kids don’t eat, fine. Kids don’t eat and whine, fine. Husband starts arguing about it with the kids, the straw has broken the camels back.
I know its nearly impossible to read someone elses mind, but marriages are made off of “I’m sorry, I should have realized you were near the end of your rope.” Then start really looking for the signals that the end of the rope is near. There are always signals. (For me, my hands get really fidgety, but I start tuning out things so the risk of getting set off goes down - when I start acting nervous and ignoring things, then its DE escalation time, not time to notch it up over picky eaters.
Working with kids with aspergers and autism, that is what often happens. It doesnt matter if its the best thanksgiving meal anywhere and you’ve spent all day cooking it, sometimes all the kids will eat is … Dang frustrating I know.
Or you could try the old tried and never works “you should eat that because their are starving children somewhere” bit.