New Beauty Secret: "Shove THIS Up Yer Nose!"

I saw this on teevee last night and couldn’t believe it wasn’t a parody, so I logged onto their Web site (

It’s a New Beauty Secret, to give you a Whole New Nose—WITHOUT SURGERY! Having a really impressive honker, I sat down to listen. Seems they sell you these “forms.” They are very discreet about them, but I picture them as looking like tiny little paper clips. You cram 'em up your nose and it gives you a perfect tiptilted pro-feel . . . I went into the bathroom, shoved my fingers up my nose and laughed uproariously at the results (imagine if Jimmy Durante and the Lucky Charms leprechaun had mated).

They have a promotional video, dammit . . . really makes me wish I were still writing “The Bottom Shelf” for Movieline, I could have LOTS of fun with THAT . . .

I remember reading about Lon Chaney’s makeup effects in the Phantom of the Opera and he used a very similar little gizmo to get that flared nostril, pushed-up-on-the-tip look. What was once old is new again.

That should be part of their sales pitch: “Yes, with this wonderful little device, YOU TOO can look like Lon Chaney in ‘The Phantom of the Opera!’”

This sounds very much like the Nose Spreader, an item highlighted by Dave Barry in his book Dave Barry’s Gift Guide. It was the piece de resistance of his book, getting the place of honor on the last page. So someone’s been selling these for more than five years already.

Could be worse. Could be a beauty secret for more shapely buttocks.

People also made fun of the inventor of the chia pet, and look at where we are now! Elmer Fudd chia pets.

I advise you all to buy stock in the company before it’s too late.