(Reuters News Service) – Springfield
Surprise roiled the already unpredictable Democratic Primary race on Wednesday when C. Montgomery Burns, a billionaire corporate executive and power plant owner, announced that he was joining the already crowded field of candidates.
Burns explained that while he had initially felt that his presence in the race was not necessary, the evident weakness of Joe Biden had forced him to the conclusion that a new centrist candidacy was required. In an interview Wednesday morning, he stated that somebody needed to “release the hounds” against the left-wing ideas promoted by Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren.
Many greeted his campaign announcement with skepticism, doubting that he could capture widespread support from Democratic voters this late in the race. Some pointed out that Burns had been a lifelong Republican and had even run for Mayor of Springfield as a Republican. Others pointed to a long history of safety and environmental problems at the Burns-owned Springfield Nuclear Power Plant as issues that might derail his bid.
But Burns has strong support in some quarters. Wayland Smithers, an employee who will be coordinating the campaign’s outreach to the LGBTQ community, described Burns as “wonderful”, “beautiful”, and “very good”.
Burns himself expressed strong confidence in his fledgling campaign, describing his odds of winning the nomination as “eeeeexxxxxcccccceeeeeelllllllleeeennnntttt”.
(AP) – Kentucky
The already volatile Democratic Primary had another shock on Friday when Auric Goldfinger, a billionaire bullion dealer and jeweler, filed paperwork to join the ballot in the state of Alabama.
While he had earlier decided against joining the Presidential race, Goldfinger stated at a press conference that a strong, centrist candidate was needed to take on Donald Trump.
“As a businessman, I see firsthand the damage of Trump’s trade war with China on a daily basis,” Goldfinger explained. “I have a long history of negotiating business plans that can benefit both the Chinese and myself, and I will bring that experience to the White House.”
Many expressed doubt that Goldinger’s candidacy would gain widespread support among Democratic voters. Reports of unsafe working conditions and illegal employment of immigrant workers at his international facilities have dogged him for many years. One female employee has claimed that her report of a sexual assault while on the job was ignored.
But Goldfinger remained confident that he would be able to win the nomination. “Man has climbed Mt. Everest, gone to the bottom of the ocean, walked on the moon, split the atom, achieved miracles in every field of human endeavor,” Goldfinger said. “Soon the Democratic Primary will be on that list.”
(Reuters) – Duckburg
The already chaotic Democratic Primary grew even more unpredictable on Monday when Scrooge McDuck, a billionaire business magnate and self-described “adventure capitalist”, jumped into the race.
McDuck explained that while he had originally chosen to not participate in the Democratic primary, the struggles of Joe Biden’s flagging campaign had convinced him of the need for a new centrist candidate to combat the extremist ideas being pushed by Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders.
Many observers expressed doubt that McDuck could rally enough Democratic voters to carry the nomination at this late stage in the primary, pointing to a long string of episodes that might hurt his standing among various Democratic interest groups. Some noted allegations that McDuck had stolen wealth from indigenous peoples in numerous developing countries, while others brought up claims that he had repeatedly exposed his three young grand-nephews to unsafe conditions.
Several activists suggested that McDuck’s tremendous wealth and relentless drive to acquire more were not in keeping with the party’s direction. Bernie Sanders appeared to share that viewpoint in a mocking Twitter post on Monday evening.
McDuck fired back in an interview, saying “You go ahead, my dear. We quad-zillionaires have our own ideas of what makes a good primary campaign.”
