OK, so I come to work this morning semi-bleary eyed pending coffee intake. There is a voicemail waiting on my desk phone. It’s your office needing to talk to me about my son. On the voicemail, I am informed that my home phone (the landline) is disconnected and I should call in .
Sigh, it’s not disconnected, it’s just not used. There isn’t even a phone connected to the line. It’s used ONLY for the web connection. Everyone in the house has a cell phone and we use those for our phone contact. We have had this conversation approximately one googolplex times over the six years my children have been patients of yours. You have promised to “make a note” and “remove that number as the primary contact number from your system” approximately one googolplex times. You insisted on an updated landline number after the move to our new house “for your records”. I’m sorry it’s confusing, but after the first quadrillion times that your office and I discussed it, I figured you might’ve been able to figure it out. My bad.
OK, so anyway, I call your office to find out what the deal is. I get the usual computer menu,“Press 1, if you are a physician. Press 2, if you are on fire. Press 3, if you are calling to talk about the receptionist’s amazing boobs., etc.” I press Pi as that’s apparently the number to talk to a human.
Ah, the ol’ hold line. “Your call is very important to us, please remain on the line and your call wil be answered in the order it was received. There are 3 calls ahead of you.” I’m ok with this. It’s early, kids are too sick to go to school. Parents need to make appointments. So I sit on the hold line. Fortunately, there is nothing but blissful silence, no hold music. I am not forced to endure the likes of a KidzBop-inspired rendition of “Blister in the Sun” by the Muzak people. Silence IS golden. I even occasionally get reminded of my progress through the hold line. “There are now 1 calls ahead of you.” I’m liking this hold queue.
I hear the click of my call being answered by a human. Sweet, I can get this taken care of and be off to my caffeinated paradise in relatively short order. I am immediately treated to “Can you hold, plea–?” Click and I am put… on hold. I waited in a hold queue… to be put on hold. I’m stunned. WTF? Why, in the bloody hell, would you pick up my call from the hold queue to tell me that you are putting me on hold? I’m already on hold. I’m now not even being treated to my hold queue status. Sigh.
You finally answer the phone from the second hold queue. I go through the schpiel for the googolplex + 1 time about the phone not being disconnected but only for net connection, in the future please call my cell number as the primary phone number, yada yada. I am treated to the googolplex + 1 time of "We’ll make a note and remove it as the primary contact number from our system. " Right, the check is in the mail… I love you… I won’t cum in your mouth…
Time to get to the meat of the conversation. “Well the reason we called is to let you know that your son’s strep test came back negative.” Um… what? This is the test that I made the appointment for a month ago. He’s been over the sore throat for two weeks. You are letting me know NOW that it was negative? Gee, thanks for that. Good thing it was negative or the kid would’ve infected a goodly portion of the metropolitan Denver population as we went to the Nuggets game last weekend and had dinner at the 16th Street Mall. Good lord. Look folks, it’s ok to just drop that info in the voicemail. I even signed a release the last time I was there saying just that.
I’m begging you New West Physicians, have mercy on me. At least until my third cup.
