Yep. It’s that time. The TLC is changing the roster of exactly which prominent New Yorkers receive the honor of annoying the crap out of me each and every time I get in or out of a taxicab. This time they must pay. Because in the scheme of things the annoyance is small, the punishment meted out will be (mostly) minor. So here goes:
Walt Frazier
Gee, Walt, could you be any more verbose? Sheesh, the cabby goes five blocks before I can even tell him my destination. This makes you the worst offender, the Beverly Sills of this year’s crop. I hope you get arthritis. In your other knee. Charles Osgood
Your stupid rhymes annoy me so;
They drive me up a wall.
A case of laryngitis
Should solve it…
Once and for all. Chris Rock
Actually, Chris, yours is the least annoying message on account of it being so short. Especially on the crucial “start” message when I’m trying to explain how to get to where I’m going. So for you, just one bad night at Caroline’s where even the tourists don’t laugh, and we’ll call it even. Yo Yo Ma
Yo Yo Ma? Dude, you’re barely even famous! Anyway, we’re not all as absentminded as you. Just because you left $2 MM worth of stuff in the trunk of a cab doesn’t give you the right to nag us about it. I sentence you to a huge, ugly, nasty, painful, zit. On your chin callous or whatever they call that thing.
I’ll add more victims of my wrath as I hear their messages.
NYC IRL III
is on April 15th. Do you have what it takes?
Hey, but don’t you just love climbing into a cab and having Adam West give you the low-down? That cracks me up every time. Or did they take him out of circulation?
All of the NYC cabs are regulated to offer you essentially the same experience–regardless of the company that owns the cab.
Their latest innovation is that, each time you enter or exit a cab, a celebrity voice recording reminds you to do things like buckle your seat belt or take your things with you when you leave.
I, for one, find it pretty entertaining. But I’ve never spent more than a few weeks listening to them at a time…
Whew—well, at least I’m not on your list of “New Yorkers who must be punished!”
Phouka—many cabs in NY have incredibly annoying recorded messages telling you “not to leave your stuff in the cab, you moron.” They are recorded by the “celebs” with the most grating possible voices and personalities, like Ed Koch, Joan Rivers and Eartha Kitt.
Damn, I got all excited too. Thought I was gonna be able to break out the whips for the Doper meeting. Ah well, guess I’ll save that for the after-hours fest.
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
-Sigmund Freud-
Eve–I was certainly going to suggest that you were a New Yorker who should be punished. You cheeky Americans (and no, I don’t mean it that way) simply fail to comport yourselves properly.
Why, I come into the parlor, and there you have broken mater’s favorite vase. And there you are, tutting away that the old horse is dead so why should I care? Balderdash, say I! So, find the number 3 corset, apply a bit of that rose water, and report to the Detention Room.
No, it’s the lavendar one; not that one, that’s more a royal purple. No, you’ve gone past it now.
What?? Your shtik was already annoying before the taxi gig. I sentence you to Divorce Court.
And some responses:
Aschrott
See? Tolja he was barely famous. UncleBeer
Apparently the messages don’t work very well. My organizer (twice), Yo Yo Ma’s $2 MM Cello, Mayor Giuliani’s sanity – all lost in the back of a cab. Eve
I see that someone else has arranged for that. Pity. psycat90
Checking the NYC IRL thread, I find that SwimmingRiddles is the chief executrix in charge of bondage activities. Please coordinate with her. The two of you can start with Green Bean.
NYC IRL III
is on April 15th. Do you have what it takes?