Hi Fans,
I’ve been reading these boards for awhile now and have decided to go on the 30 day test drive. Hopefully I can contribute something useful, but I doubt it (unless you are looking for some more self-deprecating humor).
Let me start by saying that you are all the most incredibly beautiful and intelligent people whose posts I have read online.
Let me end by saying that this is the only message board I have ever accessed.
Talk to you soon,
Rancid
Welcome, Rancid!
One of the great things about the Straight Dope is that our contributors have such a diversity of knowledge to offer. You almost certainly have some obscure field of interest, hobby or obsession that will allow you, from time to time, to shine out as the SDMB’s Greatest Expert. 
Flattery will get you . . . well, pretty much anything you want, actually. But seriously, it sounds to me like you are here for All the Right Reasons.
And the only one you will ever need. Probably. Be forewarned, after 30 days you will have no choice but to cough up your membership fee, especially if you look around and see what else is out there. This is, bar none, the smartest, best moderated, all-around greatest general-purpose message board on the internet.
Welcome to the fight against ignorance.
Interesting username. Are you Kyrgyzstani?
But if you stay here, then any other message board you read in the future will seem pale and flaccid by comparison – uninteresting, unenlightening, unconvincing, underpants, and unworthy of your time. Do you really want to chance that? Really?
You do? Then welcome aboard.
Hmmm, maybe we should take a cue from this newcomer’s screen name and add rancid yak butter to the goats, calamari, and other trappings of our initiatio … er, welcoming ceremonies. Hal Briston, twickster, Kythereia, Sunspace, and the rest of the committee should be straggling in any time now…
Welcome. That’s an interesting name you’ve got there…
Hm, my theory was that s/he threw in the yak in an effort to distract us from the goat – it’s not going to work, though.
You are aware that there’s an initiation ritual, right?
Welcome! Relax, and this will all be over before you know it.
*cue the calamari…
Welcome! and when you see the goat… RUN.
I will only say that I am not from Bishkek.
I have a thing for memorizing world capitals and the locations of countries. I also know more than any human being would ever need to know about ice cream.
Thanks to everyone for the “warm welcomage speech”. I am a little nervous about this goat, I will have to admit.
Rancid
When you see the goat, it will be too late.
:: looks for calamari :: Now where in the hell did the cala- uhhhhhhhh. Yeah. I’m gonna go into the kitchen now, and,uh, *not *get the calamari?
Welcome!
You have my vote for Best New Username.
Have fun! Mind the goats, now.
RancidYakButterTeaParty has just informed me that I am among the most beautiful and intelligent people he has ever met. 
I would like to applaud RancidYakButterTeaParty for his honesty, and welcome him to the SDMB.
Welcome aboard RancidYakButterTeaParty, the Welcoming Cake[sup]TM[/sup] should be ready shortly. BTW, what abbreviation of your name would you like us to use ?
And who said it was o.k. to abbreviate my name?
Rancid Yak would be fine, or maybe Buttery Yak. How about Tea Party Butter Yak Rancid?
Rancid
How 'bout initials T.P ? the rest just confuses me. Welcome. The goats, you know, are disguised as wolves, this week, I have it on good authority, so watch the wolves. what do you mean, “that was last week?!?”
Which makes you my new best friend! 
Welcome!