No rage of a million suns, just thermonuclear destruction.

The BBQ Pit
1

Alternately entitled My Morning, OR How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb.

I woke up around 6:30 am, before my alarm went off. Ten hours of uninterrupted sleep. I got up, took a shower, and looked forward to checking my email, hoping there’d be one from my girlfriend from yesterday evening. She’s out of town. There wasn’t, so the day started off badly. Things got worse, as you’ll soon see.

I got to work around 7:30. Work became stressful. I wondered what it would be like if I detonated a one megaton warhead in my employer’s warehouse. A surface blast, so to speak. Pretty big. It’d turn the offices into a smoking crater, and snarl up traffic on the major freeways, especially if I did this during rush hour. Imagine the traffic reports.

I then wondered what the radioactive fallout would be like. Note that the remainder of the Twin Cities would suffer 3,000 REM, which would result in death in hours. Out at about Eau Claire in Wisconsin, you’d get 900 REM, which would kill you in two days to two weeks. Further on out there are immediate effects (drop in white blood cells, hair loss, etc) and long-term cancers. Side benefit - the Green Bay Packers would no longer be the bane of the Minnesota Vikings.

Then I wondered why I was using such a small one megaton bomb (Hiroshima was about 12.5 kilotons in comparison). The nuclear arsenals of the US and Russia have far larger weapons. I took a twenty-five megaton bomb and detonated it in an air burst at about 17,500 feet – the perfect height for maximum damage.

Then I wondered why I’d target the far southwest of the metro area, and targeted the 25 megaton nuke on the center of Minneapolis. That pretty much envelops the entire metro area, and the fallout and aftereffects would do the rest. This duly impressed upon me the power of a nuclear warhead.

Then I wondered who the hell would nuke a meaningless target like Minneapolis, so I checked on what would happen if Iraqi terrorists nuked Tel Aviv. Jerusalem is juuuust out of range. The place would rattle, maybe a few broken windows, but Tel Aviv would be a smoking crater. Definitely headline news.

Then I thought that if I really had my choice, I’d nuke the fucking French. The fallout would spill into Belgium and Germany, but that’d be an acceptable price to pay for getting rid of thousands of cheese-eating surrender monkeys. That’s what they get for their inexplicable love of Jerry Lee Lewis. (Or is it Jerry Lewis? SOMEONE TELL ME.)

[sub]Caveat: No, I have no intention of detonating a nuclear bomb anywhere. They are awful, horrible things. But as I cannot put on some gloves and beat a hanging bag to vent some frustration at work, I did the geek equivalent and used sources available on the net. PBS, no less.[/sub]

2

It’s Jerry Lewis.

And why settle with just nukes? Go for broke and start dealing out those Neutron Bombs! Get rid of the people, then take their property! The BEST solution to a bad problem…

A neutron blast should even get rid of the damn roaches, too.

3

After working in a call center for almost a year I get the urge,after being verbally abused by a customer for someone else’s fuck up,to go to their home,ring the doorbell and when they answer the door-hit then with a hockey stick.

Repeatedly. No face shots but plenty of kidney,shin,ankle,hand and especially crotch shots.

LNO-one thing I do to relieve stress (besides obscene gestures at the phone and/or hitting the mute button and saying “shut up assclown”) id I have a collage on one of my cube walls of pleasant things to look at.I learned that being a lamaze coach-visual distraction DOES work wonders. In my case (big surprise here)it’s pictures of Jeff Hardy. Shirtless on a motorcycle,in the ring,etc.

I just look at the pictures and repeat silently…“I am not on the phone with some tool who thinks his 5000. credit line impresses me. I’m on the back of that motorcycle holding on to Jeff…”

Works every time.

4

No matter which Jerry you choose, the idea that the French have some sort of worship for the bastard is complete and utter myth.

Ya wanna nuke someone, a 1-2 megaton airburst over the parking lot of the Wal*Mart in Pottstown, PA would be a good place to start. Just gimme a coupla hours to load the car and head west…

5

I have to stop reading this board at work, I wind up sitting at my desk snickering like a fool, tears streaming down my face. I’m just glad I wasn’t drinking coffee when I read this…

6

“Assclown” was a new and instantly-treasured one to me too. Thank you, hardygirl!

7

IIRC, the vast majority of the atomic weapon stockpile ranges between 400 kT and 1200 kT. The reasoning was that you get more bang for the buck with lots of “smaller” nukes than big ones–and that’s why both countries had roughly 10,000 warheads at maximum inventory levels.

Unless my info is out of date, the so-called neutron bomb (or “enhanced radiation”) isn’t all that much less destructive than a normal nuke at ground zero, and fallout would still be a problem.

That said, Washington DC seems like a good target…

8

Correction:

Between 1960 and 1990, the US had anywhere from 25,000 to 32,000 warheads, while the USSR had between 1,000 and 45,000.

9

Hate to admit it but I didn’t invent assclown.

I heard it in the movie Office Space and instantly loved it.

Other great terms for those annoying customers?

::make sure mute button is on::

Scroat
Tool
Asslicking felcher
Rimjobbing rodeo clowm
Truck stop whore

My boss finds it amazing that I can hit mute,ream the customer,turn mute off and continue with my “I’m very concerned about and your bullshit” voice.

10

LNO, you beautiful human being. This nuking website is like candy to me! You’ve created yet another way for me to waste time! I love it!

I’d also like to add my appreciation of ‘assclown’. It’s so… eloquent. Or something.

11

SN has the bomb and launches the attack on Washington, DC (from Alaska, after rescuing close friends).

1 Megaton Blast on the Mall.
12 PSI+ The National Mall, Smithsonian, and White House are destroyed!
5-12 PSI Crystal City, Dupont Circle, Anacostia, Columbia Heights, The Pentagon & Pentagon City, and Rosslyn are left in ruins. There are no bridges left to get you into town from Virginia (with the possible exception of Chain Bridge in NW)

2-5 PSI. National Airport is in shambles. Ronald Reagan’s name has been blown onto the GW Parkway.
Office Buildings still stand in Ballston, Arlandria and Columbia Pike don’t fare as well.

1-2 PSI. Slight structural damage to buildings in Bailey’s Crossroads, Falls Church, & Alexandria, VA; Suitland, Seat Plesant, and Silver Spring, MD; The Woodrow Wilson Bridge falls into the Potomac, but a moderately strong breeze could have done that.

Assuming due easterly winds at 15mph, Death comes instantaneously to those from the western edge of the Beltway, to say Annapolis. Anyone enjoying the rays at the Delaware shore, will be with Davey Jones two weeks later. But Delaware is a conspiracy theory and not a state anyway.
Strom Thurmond, however, remains alive and healthy for 34 more years.

12

I live to serve. Now I’m just curious what everyone else is nuking.