Yeah, if a guy said that about his Harley I’d think twice. But if he said that about his animals I’d say, well, might have to build a bigger barn.
Moderating:
I get where you’re coming from, but this observation really isn’t in keeping with the spirit of this thread.
It’s not about dating preferences or what one would like to find in a partner. It’s about men who systematically isolate women from their support networks, and some men who attempt to force them to get rid of their pets is one red flag for women to watch for.
Your post is creating a hijack from the intended discussion of this thread. Ordinarily, I don’t moderate hijacks outside of P&E/GD, but in this case, I’ll make an exception and direct you to keep your posts in this thread on topic. Thanks.
Thank you very much for that @Aspenglow .
As a I am a man, I will keep this short. Good for all of you who were savvy enough to get out before it was too late or brave enough to get the hell out. I admire all of you.
NM … didn’t see the mod note, and my post would have continued the hijack. (Damn! It was a good post.)
I’ll share my own story that is on point with the phenomenon outlined in the OP. My very first serious relationship was a textbook example of it.
I was way too young, way too vulnerable and way too needy – needy in the sense that I was 16 1/2 years old, living on my own in an a roach-infested apartment and working 2 part-time jobs in addition to going to high school.
The fellow I’d been dating for a couple of years asked me to move in with him. We seemed to be heading in that direction anyway, so I acquiesced.
We bought a house together in a neighborhood close to his family – nowhere close to mine.
He pushed me to quit my jobs so I could focus on finishing high school. Once I graduated, he insisted I give up my employment. Stupidly, I let him.
He began screening my calls and engagements with family and friends.
Then he turned violent.
There came a day when I literally dodged a bullet, meaning he shot at me with a hand gun while I was fortuitously situated behind a tree. Someone had already called the police, so he hid the gun and I swore up and down to them that he hadn’t shot at me. It kept him from going to jail.
The next morning, I began to make arrangements to flee the state. For several days, I shipped what I unobtrusively could to my family without him noticing. Not long after, I kissed him goodbye as he left for work, immediately gathered my meager belongings and left with a friend who kindly gave me a ride to the airport. I left a lot of stuff behind and no regrets.
I learned a great deal from that experience. Never again did I let any man separate me from family, friends or employment. It’s so important to maintain a sense of independence and personal value. Anyone who is actively trying to take these things away from you is very likely bad news.
That is horrifying, and I am so glad you escaped what, alas, is way more prevalent than we like to believe. I’ve been fortunate not to get trapped that way but I’ve encountered men who in retrospect were predators of that ilk – including the boss who boasted that once when he was dating a girl who had a cat he’d waited till she wasn’t observing him and threw the cat out a window.
Thanks, me, too. It really is far more prevalent than we like to believe. On the bright side, I learned an important life lesson very early! I never again got into a relationship with a controlling man.
What a despicable human being.
Yeah, I’ve had guys try to neg me - doesn’t work too well. You like my hair… but-- You like my car… but-- You like my outfit… but – Screw you, I didn’t ask for your opinion.
Oh, you have no idea! That’s just one of many horrible things about him. “Despicable” only begins to describe him, and I am fortunate to have quit before he utterly destroyed me. Feeling all the elephants leaping from my shoulders as I walked out was revelatory.
I already knew that you were a strong and crafty woman, this just reinforced my opinion. Thankfully, I’ve never been shot at, that must have been terrifying.
Back when I was dating I always paid attention to men who said they didn’t like cats. By paid attention, I took them at their word. I also listened when they told me that I didn’t need to further my education or that they thought it was weird that I talked to mom a couple of times a week.
Like @LSLGuy I used their acceptance of pets in my screening process along with everything else, because those are important things to know going forward.
The man I ended up marrying did come with a Harley and a cat of his own. He kept his apartment after moving in with me because we had to be sure the cats got along before making that commitment.
It’s kind of you to characterize me as strong and crafty, but I’m not sure how crafty it was to take 2 1/2 years to get out of a situation that was so clearly not in my best interests. I did feel very stuck.
As for getting shot at, I can heartily offer a “Do not recommend!” In the moment, I was just so shocked it had come to such a pass that the danger didn’t really register. I was much more lucky than crafty, I think.
I do think dating criteria, whatever it is or is not, is an entirely different topic than this one. The issue here is one of control, not preferences. I do think it’s wise to be very, very picky about preferences, but we’re talking about something else here (as you know).
The very best thing about my late (2nd) husband was that we never engaged in power struggles. He was a whole person and so was I, with neither having a need to control the other person’s preferences or behaviors. We had love, we had lust. But most important of all, we had like. Hard to find, worth waiting for.
You did it right. 
Yeah there are heros, for sure
They assed up and got out.
By hook or crook. Very commendable.
But there are so so many young women in this spot.
I raised my girls to not take shit from a man.
But young girls like the “dangerous” man. The loud car. The tattoos. The taking over and being the boss.
It’s nice to be cared for, til it turns ugly.
We need to do a better job raising girls not to fall for that. That they are strong enough to do it on their own.
I could see the request if the person is legitimately allergic to the pet but then I think that’d be revealed very early on when dating and either managed somehow or the two people amicably go their separate ways long before spending years dating and then wanting to move in together.
I am allergic to cats but my GF (30+ years ago now) thought I was just being a guy who was not fond of cats. We went to her friend’s house once who had two cats and within minutes I was obviously having a reaction. My GFs reaction was, “Holy shit, you really are allergic to cats!”
As it happened we moved in together and eventually got married and had two cats (and a dog). Over time I built up a resistance to my allergy and I was careful when handling the cats (i.e. I would be sure to not touch my face until I washed my hands). That and a bit extra hygiene on keeping the house clean and the cats well brushed and I was fine. If the allergy could not be suitably managed I am not sure what would have happened. Me or the cats would have had to go.
I feel like an allergy would be revealed early in the relationship, before you move in, before you even get close. And it might be a deal breaker, in a “too bad, we aren’t compatible” way. But the dynamics would play out very differently than the abusive controller.
@JaneDoe42, @Aspenglow, wow, good for you. I’m glad you had the strength to get away.
At your age? You were too young to really understand what was going on. I was late 20’s when I met my wanna be controller. By that time I had friends, a good job and wasn’t looking for anyone long term. It was near the end of my floozy days, so I was open to coming thinking about settling down with someone but was in a better place so didn’t need to settle.
Which is totally different than moving in and demanding that the cats/dogs/lizards or whatever goes.
I am also sorry she went through that, it does sound horrifying. And the man was obviously a piece of garbage. But she still should have been found guilty. Pets are lovely, but they are not humans, and she killed a human.
She acted in self defense. Killing her dogs like that was a clear threat to her life.
Who Gets to Kill in Self-Defense?
Any human (and I use that term loosely in this case) who is capable of slitting the throats of two tiny dogs in front of someone he supposedly cares about is not the sort of person I’m going to cry too many tears about if the woman he attempted to terrorize made sure he never got to terrorize anyone again.
But then again, I’ve always said that if I ever go to jail, it will be because I’ve done something extreme to someone who deliberately hurts a cat. I am a physical wimp and scared of physical conflict, but I think that has a good chance of pushing me over the edge.
maybe, but it wasn’t an imminent threat to her life, which is the legal standard.
nor will I. He sounded like a truly despicable human being. But we have the rule of law in this country, and you can’t kill someone because they killed your dogs.
It literally says in the title of the OP that it’s not just about the cat. How the fuck anyone can tell a story in this thread about cat allergies being an exception is missing the point and embarrassing themselves.