My apartment manager called me at work to let me know that “Your dog is barking incessantly inside your apartment! It’s really disturbing!”
It’s not like him, and I was very apologetic, and she was very nasal with an “excuse me sir, but you happen to be dealing with a high school gradu-ate” Lily Tomlin officious tone. So I took an hour off work and traipsed home to see what Rufus Oliver’s problem was.
What the Landlord Didn’t Mention
I live in a townhouse apartment. I’m in the end unit so there’s nobody on one side, and the apartment on the other side has been vacant ever since I moved in four months ago. Evidently it was left in a helluva mess because they’re renovating it. While I was there I heard constant hammering, the sound of some type of industrial strength space age drill and workmen speaking in a muffled dialect.
NO SHIT THE DOG WAS BARKING! DOG’S TEND TO DO THAT WHEN THEY THINK YOU’RE TRYING TO KNOCK DOWN THE WALL INTO THEIR SPACE! I’D APPRECIATE A CALL IF PEOPLE WERE BANGING ON THE WALL AND MY DOG DIDN’T BARK BECAUSE THEN I’D KNOW THERE WAS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG WITH HIM!
There’s not a helluva lot I can do other than fit him for earplugs and I’m frankly not going to do that. So I walked into the office and very politely inquired “You do know that they’re banging on the wall next door?”
The landlady, who is actually an assistant who I suspect hasn’t been laid since early in Reagan’s second term and then it was by a homeless guy who she made earn the Susan B. Anthony dollar she gave him, says “Yes Mr. Sampiro- I know. I went to check on their progress and he was barking the entire time, even when they weren’t hammering and drilling.”
Me: Well, I think we’ve solved the case. When they stop he’ll stop and there’s nobody on the other side so I can’t imagine he’s bothering the neighbors…
Dog Hating Bitch: That’s not the point, the lease states pet-owners are required to keep their pets quiet…
Me: And that the management will try to keep the complex peaceful, and I don’t think that is interpreted as hammering and banging. But, I’m reasonable and I understand that this is necessary, but please be reasonable as well and realize that when you bang on a dog’s wall, he will bark. [Getting a bit more smartass than I intended] That’s why people use dogs for protection- it’s because if there’s noise or motion they let you know it- it’s not so that they can dial 911 and apply pressure to arterial sprays if necessary.
Dog hating Bitch: Well he barked even when they stopped hammering for a while…
Me: [up to here with her attitude] Well if you’ll excuse I’m going to go back to work and spend the afternoon trying to get Mike Wallace on the phone because I think this is newsworthy… a dog who barks even between hammerings! Is this complex on an old Indian burial ground by any chance? Or maybe a ch…
Dog hating Biotch: Are you being sarcastic?
Me: No, I’m being detained from the job that pays my rent, your salary and my dog’s deposit for an absolutely asinine reason that will be brought to the attention of your parent company, good-day madame.
I don’t know if I’ll really send a complaint letter, but be honest: is it her or is it me? It’s her, isn’t it? I was furious that I had to leave work for one of the stupidest reasons due to a woman who can’t grasp the concept of cause:effect.