No we don't anwer our phone. Is that a crime?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Wow, what a great thread. I’m the only person I know who thinks it’s normal to ignore the phone. I, too, let the voicemail take it. Folks used to get freaked out when I’d ignore the phone – now mostly they just don’t expect me to pick up, and don’t feel violated when I don’t.

Like others in this thread, I prefer e-mail to phone calls, and will respond to it much more quickly than to a phone message.

Thanks so much to my fellow non-phoners. If I had any vestigial guilt before this thread, it’s gone gone gone now!

82

Before this thread I too thought I was the only non-answerer out there.

I don’t answer the phone and have no answering machine. An answering machine would mean calling people back that I don’t want to talk to in the first place. If I did have an answering machine my message would be the same as my sister’s (what it was the last time I called her five years ago, anyway). “You’ve reached Barb & Bill. Leave a message and maybe we’ll call you back.”

The only time I answer the phone (or even turn the ringer on) is if I’m expecting a call from the doctor’s office or something like that. Other people who might have a legitimate reason to call me (family, friends, co-workers) know they have to e-mail me first to have me call them or to turn the ringer on, or call me at work.

I got a no-contract cell phone for road emergencies and four or five people have that number. They’ve all been sworn not to give the number to my mother. Every couple of weeks I remember to check it for messages. In the four months I’ve had it I’ve used it three or four times.

83

If you are suicidal, please get professional help; do not call another depressive.

To be blunt, if some-one is dead, they will still be dead when I check my messages; and I will have some warning from the tone of voice on the call that something very bad happened, so I will not collaspe [as I have before]. Picking up the phone to hear that a loved one died is very unpleasant. I would much rather hear, ‘Umm, j., I have bad news, something, well, look, call as soon as you get this …’

And if some one is seriously injured, just leave a message who and where they are. You can even say, ‘Hey, are you there? Pick up, this is important …’

84

Enginerd are you sure about the 911 thing? Is that universal or maybe something that’s specific to the state or county where you live?

I don’t have a land line, just a cell phone, and this is one of the things that I worry about sometimes, that if I needed to call 911 and couldn’t speak no one would be able to find me.

85

My signature makes what I’m about to say sound somewhere between hypocritical and delusional, but here goes.

CrazyCatLady, you sound like a fantastic friend and a wonderful human being, but you may find some solace in the knowledge that just because someone is (a) a good friend and (b) severely depressed does NOT mean they’re above being a wee bit manipulative. As a person who landed in her current pit of isolation (ten years and counting!) with behavior identical to that which you describe, I can assure you that sometimes the only thing that gave me any sense of connection whatsoever was knowing that there was someone out there worrying about me. So even if I was depressed as hell, part of the reason why I wouldn’t pick up the phone because I secretly enjoyed the drama of being “mysterious.” Sick? Yep. Obnoxious? Definitely. (As I said, I am now alone just about all the time.) I’m ashamed to even tell you about it, but it’s true.

In your friend’s defense, I will also say that when you are that depressed, and you know that the only thing you are capable of is whining to your friends – yet again – about how depressed you are, sometimes it just seems better to keep yourself incommunicado rather than to bore the person’s head off with your endless litany of woe. Plus, when you are that depressed, just hearing the phone ring can be enough to set off an anxiety attack. “Am I in trouble? Is it bad news? Did I forget to pay a bill – again – because I was too paralyzed to look in the mail box? Is someone calling to tell me that they are angry at me because of something I did (or think I did)? Will the person on the phone tell me that I am the worthless piece of crap that I feel like I am?” Even the blinking light on the answering machine can fill one with a strange mix of dread and longing. Rough sailing at best. Good luck to you with your friend. Maybe she will answer an email or a letter, maybe not (as I mentioned, fear of the mailbox can sometimes set in as well).

Sorry for the long digression, but you hit home with your post.

Regarding not allowing other people’s sense of entitlement dictate your phone behavior, I don’t have a functioning answering machine (not enough outlets to keep everything plugged in at once, and I keep forgetting to turn it back on 90% of the time, even though I really want to–depression again!). About six months ago, I asked Home Depot to send someone over to give me a roofing estimate. The would-be roofer keeps calling back every week or so, which I know because when he does catch me at home, he sounds desperately aggrieved by the fact that I have no machine. Telling him the truth – that I haven’t forgotten him or the project, or lost his estimate, :rolleyes: but have hit a few snags that are making me put off the new roof for an indeterminate period – does nothing to either blunt his thinly masked ire or to make him thin out the calls a little. So now he’s got me wondering – if he’s really that good, why does he need my (genuinely tiny) job so badly?

86

I have to admit, i havent directly answered the land line in our house in 7 years, my machine picks it up. what i want to know is who in heck is it that will call 20 times in 2 hours and never leave a message? grumble!

I also have a sign posted on the front door that says " If you didn’t call ahead to let me know you were coming, Tough. If I don’t know you, Tough. Leave a note or call ahead next time."

The fed ex, UPS and mail hominids have learned to just flip the back of my truck open and pop the package in there, and I really DONT answer the door if people show up on my doorstep unless I recognize them, they call ahead to let me know they are coming out [like the appraisal company the town hired to do property valuations] or they are actively bleeding. [I live on a deadly curve, and at least 3 times a year some yutz jumps the curve and takes out a section of our fence. I can hear the crash and generally just pick up the phone and call the cops=)]

Heck, one visit my parents made when hubby was duty stationed in norfolk va, my mother INSISTED on coming into the house when I didnt want her inside [she is an @nal perfectionist, and I was in mid renovation, and the place was a mess.] My action was to grab my bail out bag, get in my car and go to williamsburg va for 3 days. My parents don’t push my set boundries any more. You can teach an old dog a new trick=)

87

Well, it’s pretty clear that what you do with your phone depends on your personality, what you enjoy, what level of control you need, and so on…

I liked BoringDad’s enthusiastic playfulness, taking on all callers with creative drama.

My own love/hate relationship with the phone is based on the fact that sometimes, for some purposes, I want to be instantly accessible. Most of the time, I don’t really care. But when I lived with my parents, my family didn’t have a phone (they were commonly available). So, ironically, when I got out on my own, I became a phone slave. Had to answer it.

[Aside – I’m surprised no one mentioned the hilarious phone-non-answering scene from the old movie “Accidental Tourist”.]

We (SO and I) are evolving on this issue. We now have a land line and two cell phones.

The land line has the phone company’s voice mail, so if we’re actually using the phone you go directly to VM. (No call waiting - why would I want the stress of interrupting my conversation and cutting the other person off quickly, while offending no one?). Otherwise, depending on what we’re doing, we might answer the phone.

We do like to know we have a message, so we bought a voice-mail-message-waiting light that blinks when someone has left a message. And there are folks we like to talk with, so we will respond in a more-or-less timely manner, depending on our schedule. On the other hand, the neat thing about the phone company’s VM is if you leave a message there for 2 weeks, it just goes away. We don’t have to do anything about it. Quite a few messages just drop into limbo that way.

My cell phone has VM set up, and I will check it once in a while. Again, there are people I want to communicate with, but more and more I’m deciding to do it when it’s convenient for me.

My SO’s cell doesn’t have VM set up, so all it shows is a “missed call” with the caller ID (if there is one). But that works, too.

And if you wonder why we have the cell phones, well, my SO needs one for work and the extra cost for the other was low. But if you look at our monthly usage, you’ll find that most of our minutes are “mobile to mobile” – just talking to each other, an unexpected side-effect.

But why are so many people inclined to fight their “phone conditioning”? Really, I think e-mail has something to do with this. E-mail gives you the freedom to choose when to receive messages and when/how to respond. If you’re like me, you’ll check your e-mail several times a day, but a message might wait up to a week for a response, depending on what else is going on and how urgently I feel the need to reply.

Similarly, we’re beginning to apply that approach to the phone. What a great idea!

On another topic, our VM messages do not have the phone number on them. I figure, if you meant to call me, you already know my number. If you didn’t mean to call me, then you don’t know my number and you don’t need to. (I do give the first names of everyone in the family, so the caller ought to be able to figure out whether they have the right party. Ought to…)

There are times when it would be deucedly convenient if a neighbor would answer their phone, or at least check their messages fairly frequently. One phone-created dilemma I had: I was heading for an important meeting, and on the way I used the cell to call the gas company because we had a very faint, possibly imaginary, gas odor in the basement. I didn’t realize the gas company would treat that as an emergency – and I couldn’t say “oops, forget I called”. They wanted to send someone over right away, and if they couldn’t get in, they would just turn off the gas (and it was winter). I tried calling the neighbor, who is always home (and has a key to the house). But, as usual, she let the machine take a message and didn’t bother to listen to it.

But I can only complain so much. Everyone has to choose how to handle their communication with others. My bias is to check messages frequently so I can decide which ones are urgent and which I want to ignore. Others just figure things will work out no matter what. Some folks feel compelled to answer the phone itself every time it rings (and on the second ring, if at all possible). Some playful people look forward to engaging anyone who calls.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to do it. But I do think if you’re stressing about it, you might want to reconsider your approach!

88

I live with my 90-year-old grandfather, who’s hard of hearing (even with hearing aids) and goes to bed early. The phone would have to ring a lot for him to hear it when he’s asleep, but I’m usually online at night anyway, so the single line will be busy. All our relatives know not to call my grandfather too late, and anyone else shouldn’t be calling after supper, IMO.

I usually always answer the phone during the day (unless I’m unavailable for the usual reasons). If anyone’s calling it’s usually my mother, and on certain days of the week we can expect calls from my uncle and my cousins. (My friend Bryan may call, but I usually call him.) If the phone rings really late, it’ll be my friend from a few provinces over. And he knows that if no one picks up on or before the second ring that I’m out, and cuts his call short.

If anyone else calls, I’ll ask who’s calling and, depending on who it is and what my grandfather’s up to, I’ll either get him or say he’s unavailable. Even if he is available, I’ll make a “mistake” and say that he’s unavailable. (After all, I pride myself in being a truthful person. :wink: ) The only non-relative calls that I don’t mind are for medical appointments or from businesses my grandfather does regular business with.

I can often tell if it’s an unwanted call from a solicitor or surveyor simply by how they respond to my “hello” when I pick up. If they ask for my grandfather, they may say it in such a way that they’re obviously going through the motions of reading from a list. And if they ask for my grandmother, she passed away six years ago. :mad:

The worst, however, is when they don’t ask for anyone, but just automatically go into a spiel about what they’re calling for. I can hardly understand what they’re saying, and they don’t stop until they finish their first prying question. My grandfather, if he happens to answer a call like that, has no idea what they’re talking about, and has to repeatedly tell them he doesn’t understand them, or ask me to pick up the phone.

Fortunately, we don’t get many unwarranted calls from businesses or surveyors. But I just love hanging up in their face, especially after letting them finish their spiel. One time, I started the survey and actually answered a few questions. Then I just hung up without saying a word. That was fun! :smiley:

Anyhoo…

89

Funny you should mention that. Once, about 5 years ago, we were out for the day and had three messages when we got home:

“Hi Bob and Joe, my plane arrived early. At the airport, so I’ll just wait.”

(We are not Bob and Joe)

Next message:

“Hey guys…still waiting…are you coming to pick me up or what?”

Last message:

“Fuck you guys. I am taking a taxi to the hotel!”

We felt bad about those messages, and hoped somehow she figured out Bob and Joe had a different phone number. However, I have, over the years, called back people who left their number when trying to reach someone else.

By the way…we have been “ringer free” for quite some time now, and I cannot tell you how pleasant it has been. Even telemarketers seem to have given up! And family and friends all know to speak up and wait a few minutes…nobody seems to mind at all, and a few have even joined the ranks.

90

Mostly the universe knows that if it wants to get hold of me fast, an email or an IM is best.

I have a cell phone that you can call. I have it with me pretty regularly. If I look at the number and it’s in my same area code and I don’t recognize it, I’ll usually pick up. If it’s in my same area code and I do recognize it and it’s not someone I’m really trying to avoid, again, I’ll pick up. If it’s an 800 number or a No ID number, it gets to go to voicemail. If they don’t leave a voicemail, it obviously wasn’t very important.

But I ALWAYS go check. Because it could be my grandmother calling from 30 miles away, needing my help – even at work I’m closer than my parents when they’re at work, and my apartment isn’t far from their house.

Because it could be Mom calling to tell me Dad’s had another heart attack, or Dad telling me Mom’s had one.

Because it could be my old best friend from high school, or my old Internet friend, or this guy I know in Lubbock, or whatever.

And the “Well, if they’re already dead, what does it matter?” doesn’t fly with me at all. My best friend’s dad died the third day of our senior year of high school. Our school was less than a mile from the hospital, and we were hanging out after school at the time. If someone had been able to get in touch with her, she might have been able to be with him in his last moments.

That’s worth the annoyance, I think.

91

I have the same phone as don’t ask (Orange)
My phone number is not listed in any directory so the only time my phone rings is if someone I know is trying to contact me.
I always have the phone with me but I turn it off whenever I have to sleep (I am a shift-worker so it is quite often off during the middle of the normal working day.)

If someone desperately needs to contact me - bad luck. I also have cable for my computer so have no need for a landline.

92

in her book “I Try to Behave Myself,” written in the 1960’s long before answering machines & cell phones, Peg Bracken states: The first rule of the telephone is you don’t have to answer it. She goes on stating that it’s rude to expect people to answer the phone when you don’t know if “they are making cookies in the kitchen or whiskey in the basement or love in the boudoir.”

I don’t have a home phone. I use a cell phone with a radio hookup at work and take it home at night if I need it. I’ve used it twice–once to call in sick and once for a plumbing emergency. If someone wants to talk to me, they can call me at work or come see me.

93

It’s reassuring to find out that there are many more of us who feel that the phone is for our convenience, not to make us accessible to everyone else 24/7. I do not think that the rest of the world has the right to contact me at any time they wish, and I often wonder about the people who feel obligated to answer every call. (At work, of course, it’s a different story; if it’s part of my job to answer calls, I answer them.)

My partner and I have voice mail (for when we’re online) and an answering machine; both messages give our last names that we use. The voicemail says “If you are not known to us, please state your name and business,” which effectively wards off 80% of the telemarketers who don’t abide by the do-not-call listing. The machine message says, “We’d like to know what you know. What do you know?”

(That last has gotten things from the laws of entropy to friends singing “I know something about love…” so it’s fun.)

One useful thing I’ve discovered is that if you do answer the phone, answering with “5555; may I help you?” in corporate tones will dissuade a lot of sales calls. They assume they’ve called a business by mistake, and often apologize and hang up without doing anything else.

94

We recently upgraded our cell phones to have personalized ringers. Now, everyone in the family has a unique ring, plus calls that show on the caller id have a ring that shows they are identified. Unidentified calls have the X-Files theme and I usually just push the button to mute them. When I’m around others, it just astounds them that I won’t answer the call. 99 times out of 100, it’s a telemarketer or a machine.

Occasionally, however, when I’m really, really bored, I’ll answer a X-Files call and amuse myself at the expense of the bozo telemarketer. I’ll let them run through their entire pitch, always answering yes to the hook-in questions, then when they go to the close and get me to commit to the sale, I’ll ask them a question along the lines of why in the hell did they think I was going to buy something out of the clear blue sky from a total stranger just because they dialed my number.

I love the sound of gnashing teeth at the other end of the line :smiley:

95

Clothahump, that does sound like fun. Maybe I’ll give it a try.

A couple of folks have asked why we “non-answerers” have a phone at all. Well, its so that we can talk to the people we want to talk to. That’s what Caller ID is for. I’ll always answer when my Mother or MIL, or brothers or kids call. They’re all at least 1,000 miles away and don’t call all that ofen. I’m happy to talk to my family - or I’ll at least let them know that I’m home and will call them right back after I’ve finished what I’m doing. I always answer when I see my husband’s work or cell number come up.

But if I don’t recognize your name or number on my Caller ID, you can leave a message. But they rarely do, and the ones who’ve blocked their ID never leave a message.

96

I hate phones too, would rather communicate through email. My best friend hates email and would communicate through the phone. So we don’t communicate much anymore as we live about 200 miles apart.

My parents are always getting disgusted with me. When I’m at their place and even if I’m standing right beside the phone, I’ll let it ring. They have an answering machine. many times, I’ve seen them rush to the phone only to have it quit ringing before they or the machine picks up. Other times, they’ll rush to only get a salesperson on the other end. That has come to a stop though, since I put them on the no call list.

At work, I won’t answer my boss’s phone either. He is into hunting and fishing and also has started a taxidermy business. 99% of his call each day are his hunting buddies. I got tired of taking messages from them. He has a machine on his phone anyway. I could easily feign deafness when our offices were in adjoining rooms, but due to downsizing, he has been moved into my office, with only a cubicle divider between our spaces. I still refuse to answer his phone, though I’m surprised he hasn’t said anything yet. I’ll just tell him I felt the machine could take a more accurate message than I could if the question arises.

As for cell phones, I finally got one last fall. As I hate phones in the first place, I didn’t want a monthly $30-$50+ phone bill each month, so I got a Virgin prepaid phone. I love it. Unless I recognize the caller’s number, I don’t answer as the first five minutes/day cost me 25 cents/minute. A girlfriend in another state has caller ID blocked though, so I sometimes answer the “private” calls.

I had been getting several “unknown” calls lately, so out of curiosity, I answered one yesterday. There was a lot of static, then some woman started speaking in Spanish, as if she was reading a script or giving a speech. I hung up immediately, but my curiosity still cost 25 cents.

Last month, I was expecting a call from my girlfriend mentioned above, so when I got a call with a “private” number, I answered it. Some elderly sounding lady asked if she had just called me. I told her she had the wrong number. She replied, “well I’m trying to call a cell phone.” I told her she had called a cell phone, but it was still the wrong number. She got kind of huffy and rattled off the number she was trying to call. It was exactly like mine, except the last digit was a 5 instead of a 6. She acted rude to me, though she was the one who had fat fingered the call.

I got a text message the other day to call an 1-800 number. I haven’t done it as I suspect it is a sales pitch. Luckily, receiving a text message doesn’t cost me anything. I think it costs my best friend 25 cents/message on his plan.

And I think I’ve come across the telemarketers’ retaliation for the do not call list. At work a few weeks ago, I received a sales pitch from the Arizona Republic newspaper. When I said I wasn’t interested, I was asked where I got my news from. I replied, “the internet.” The salesman then went on to tell me that the internet wasn’t reliable for information. I told him he called a business on a military installation. He feinged shock that he was calling a business and hung up. At least two other people I know of got calls selling subscriptions to the Az Republic that day, and one of them was in the middle of a weapons testing mission in the mission control room!

97

I hate, hate, hate phones. There’s isn’t a ringer that doesn’t put my teeth on edge. My house line is unlisted and the only people who get that number are merchants and solicitors. My cell number is what I consider my true phone - it gets distributed to family, friends, and clients. But, I’m always embarassed to have to take a call in public (like the grocery store - I’ll shut it off in a theater). It doesn’t happen often as most calls find me at home.

As much as I hate talking on the damn things, I answer just about every call I can. I’ve fielded enough business and personal emergencies where I don’t like to take chances & the inconvenience to me in a false alarm is usually slim. If my two jobs didn’t revolve so much around scheduling needs, then I might send more calls directly to voice mail.

Luckily, most folks who call me on the cell know how much I hate talking on them, so conversations are pretty brief. My service plan gives me the first incoming minute for free, so I have no problems taking what typically amounts to only a 45 second call.

98

I have a phone because a) sometimes I want to call someone, and b) I have a teenager. If someone wants to call me and I don’t feel like answering, that’s too bad. More people have my cell phone number than have my home number, so if they need to speak to me urgently, they can call that number, or sms me. I’ll reply if it’s convenient. My cell phone is always on, often with the ringer turned off, and I check it frequently. I really don’t see why I should be available all the time if I don’t want to be, but if I ever have the 2.30 am I-don’t-want-to-worry-you-but-your-daughter-is-in-the-hospital call again, don’t worry, I’ll get it. By the same token, I too often don’t answer the door. My parents, best friends, daughter, her boyfriend and her best friend all have house keys. If they desperately need to get into the house, they can. Everyone who knows me is aware that I enjoy being alone, and although friends often drop in, they sms me first so that I DO answer the door. If I wanted to be available to everyone all the time, I’d live in a commune with no doors.

(This sounds as if I am an anti-social grump: I’m not. I’m an anti-social cheerful person)

99

I have more of an aversion to cell phones. I don’t even keep mine on. Keeping your cell phone on just means I get interrupted in class, and it wears down the battery. Luckily, hardly anyone ever calls me, and to this date I, and maybe some people at Motorola are the only living beings that know my cell phone number.

Home phones I like. I always get curious as to who it’s going to be. Often it’s something entertaining, like a drunk redneck who always calls our house and asks us “WHO’S THIS?”. Uhh, dude, if you’re going to call someone, make sure you know who you want to talk to.

However, this is pretty much a non-issue for me since my family’s house only gets 1 or 2 phone calls a day, and it’s almost always my dad calling from work.

100

This is my exact feeling on the telephone. I stopped answering the phone when I almost killed myself running down the stairs to get it. I was always doing that- running for the phone. Once my twins were born, I decided that giving them a bath with no interruptions was much more fun than getting them out dripping and cold to answer some dumb survey.

I also don’t answer the doorbell. If I wasnt expecting you, dont expect me to answer the door.