OK, I’m fine with people who’ve never before been arrested not understanding that we do not, under any circumstances take anything for bond but cold hard cash (and bond cards for traffic offenses). But you, of all people, who have been in our jail enough times to actually get miles on your frequent flyer program. You, whose name upon entry activates the Windows © auto complete feature. You who knows us all by our first names. You, actually has a preferred cell.
You Bloody well know better! Your family knows better. Your friends know better. We do not take credit cards, we are not a department store, we only have ONE thing to purchase. We do not take checks. Doing so would be ludicrous, because, well, you’re ALREADY a criminal, and frankly, your actions have shaken our trust in you.
No matter what it is you did, no matter where it is you did it, and no matter how often we haul your dumb ass in here, you know damn good and well we take nothing but cash, again NOTHING BUT CASH!
Remember when you unrinated on the lawn of the City Hall? You got arrested and sat your drunken ass in the tank. You paid cash, you went home.
Remember when you stole that bottle of booze from the plaza liquor store, and went BEHIND the plaza to drink it? You were arrested, you sat your drunken ass in the tank, you paid cash, you went home.
Remember when you deficated in the street in front of the home of a trustee on Thanksgiving? You were arrested, you sat your drunken ass in the tank, you paid cash, you went home.
If you take a minute to recall those incidents, dear dimwit, you’ll recall that each and every time you stayed here at the gray bar bed and breakfast, you PAID CASH! Never have we taken your checks or credit cards, and we aren’t about to start now.
Now, pay your bond in cash, and get the F@CK out of here!
DAMN IT!
