The larger issue is why ‘sins’ such as adultery are in general not addressed these days by legal means on the breakdown of a marriage.
They used to be, I believe.
To my understanding, at least in this jurisdiction there was a concious effort to move away from fault-finding having legal, financial consequences. The reason as I understand it was that such accusations resulted in endless, furious litigation, to no-one’s benefit - the money all ended up with the lawyers when there were mutual accusations of adultery.
How sad. Why did the mother who figured it out right away not say anything?
It’s bizarre and eye opening to me. I honestly never realized this was how people felt about their kids. If I found out my dad wasn’t biologically my dad today, I guess I’d feel sad, but I wouldn’t feel like he was less a part of my life. Genes just seem such a small part of parenthood. For me, it’s about being there, spending years taking care of the person. Anyone can shoot DNA at something, but being a parent seems so much more than that.
Well jesus, why not just drop your kid on the curb any old time and force some random person to raise it? Parenting is punitive either, it’s just what you do once you’ve taken responsibility for a child. You don’t get to quit halfway through.
Not exactly. It’s still unfair, but at least it would actually be about the children.
It’s still unfair. If they can’t get money from the actual father, the money should come from the government. Not from some guy whose only error was in not treating his wife as a liar like the law demands.
No; it’s about not rewarding people for adultery. And about not creating a situation where trusting your wife is foolish.
I love my 9 year-old-son and would support him no matter what, even if his paternity was in question. Even if you do have a biological claim to the child, in the U.S.A., a man is still nothing more than a paycheck following divorce as far as the courts are concerned. It’s all about keeping the child out of welfare and government funding. In fact, there really is a lot of financial incentive for a woman to be dishonest with her husband and divorce him, especially when there are children involved.
It would be to a man who did not have any children.
I have no children but if someone said I had to pay for your children (assuming you did) I’d find that punitive.
As shown many men here, even having raised a kid for awhile as in the OP, would see it as “not their children”.
FTR I am adopted…twice. Once when I was an infant and again in 7th grade (long story). I also do not get, on any level, the notion some espouse that if it is not their genetic offspring they cannot love it. I have no genetic connection to any of the parents who raised me or my siblings. I love them all and they love me. I personally would continue to love and care for a child I had thought was mine (as in the OP) and then learned it wasn’t. Seems abundantly obvious to me and I cannot see it any other way.
That said, as I have mentioned, it is not for me to decide how people ought to feel. Certainly I can understand the betrayal in such a situation and would be upset beyond belief with my spouse. Not just for her infidelity but because it would taint how I viewed that child I love. You could not help but be reminded of the betrayal everytime you saw the kid. Especially if you are seeing the man that fathered the child in the kid. I would be careful not to take it out on the kid and would continue to support them but it is an awful state of affairs.
Jesus, Malthus, you’re quick. I was just copying and pasting for pretty much the same thing … except, I’m not entirely sure which side **jsgoddess **is coming down on in the first place.
The issue here is that if my wife has a child by another man…then it is her and HIS CHILD. I have nothing to do with it. Sure, I would feel sympathy for the child just like I would any other child in the circumstance but I do not see why morally I am obligated to do more than, say, you would be. The child would be just as much yours as mine.
Just because my wife lives with me/we are married doesn’t mean I am obligated to raise and support another man’s child just because the mother of his child is my wife/lives with me.
I’m sorry, I guess. Millions of years of evolution must be working me pretty hard but I come as a whole package…you want me to be the father of your child? Well, I need to actually BE the father before I’ll do it! If that is unacceptable then find yourself another sap.
I had just gotten done posting a thank you in that thread for getting rid of some of the terrific stench in this one.
It’s funny. I always believed the people who said their love for their kids was permanent and special and beyond anything I could imagine. Actually, I guess some of the sentiments in this thread are beyond anything I could imagine.
I think women who lie and cheat are scum, and I think that love that can be switched off like a light was never love in the first place–it was possessiveness and narcissism.
I was just curious, because as a father posting in this thread, I was wondering if anything I posted contributed to your opinion. I don’t think I said anything douchbaggy.
I do not see why you’d have to be. You can reverse it. If you found out today that your dad was not your biological dad would you stop loving him?
Or have any of these people loved a pet dog or cat? You are in no way genetically related to the thing but certainly some deep emotional bonds can be forged. (ok, that one might be a bit of a stretch but the principle is there)
I think the issue in the OP that raises a fuss is the attached betrayal and sense of being duped. Then having those feelings brought to the fore everytime you see the kid. I can imagine how that would be difficult and some people could not get past it.
You might have a point if, at the time of birth, the real father was identified, acknowledged by all to be the father and due supporter, and the kid was raised by his biological father.
That’s simply not the case here. For years, the father treated the children as his own, held them out as his children. He played with them, disciplined them, cleaned up after them, and made them laugh, cry, and everything in between. The children SAW HIM AS THEIR FATHER. To turn your back on that, refuse to have anything to do with them and stop supporting them simply because they have different genetic material, to me, is a sin.
Believe it or not, a lot of people can get beyond millions of years of evolution and make the right choices about what is really important.
I have a 16 year old daughter so I can relate. If I found out she was not mine I would be EXTREMELY pissed off. However, she would still be my daughter.
A newborn? No way. Not my kid. Not my responsibility.
The sticky point is at what age would I/would I not accept the child? Not really sure…guess I’d have to be in the situation. If I was older (like I am now) and had another child that I knew was mine biologically I would be more mellow and accepting. If I was younger and had no other children then I would need to get back in the ball game and find a partner to have actual kids of my own…and to be burdened with responsibilities of another man’s child would hurt this and so I would be more likely to reject those responsibilities.
