Norman Rockwell and the Lusty Whores

Half of the doctor’s offices I’ve seen contain a Norman Rockwell painting or Saturday Evening Post cover. They always show an older, compassionate looking physician giving a lollipop to a lovable young scamp or using a sthethoscope to listen to a little girl’s teddy bear. All of Norman Rockwell’s paintings depict a heart-warming and saccharine America that never was nor will be. It’s high time he painted some new pictures to reflect the world’s current malaise and ennui. Here are a few suggestions which you may or may not want to supplement.

  1. The Young Girl and The Feisty Pimp

  2. The Hells’ Angels at the Lepers’ Picnic

  3. 'N Sync and the Lynch Mob

  4. Torching Small Businesses for the Insurance Money

  5. A Junkie and his Pit Bull

  6. The Dumpster and the Derelict

7.`Making Chorizo from mechanically Separated Meat Ends

  1. Twelve Car Pile-up on the Turnpike

  2. Gilligan and the Gangbang

  3. Trouble with Tribbles in the XFL

Jeb Bush dumping ballot boxes off a bridge in the Florida Keys.

Britney Spears being outwitted by the sockpuppet on her arm.

Endearingly gawky young Neo-Nazis exercising their right to free speech.

Nightstick-wielding cops cutely waiting for their quarry to emerge from beneath the parked car.

A environmental-suited cleanup team emptying out a meth lab. One of the suits is ripped in the seat.

A little Cuban boy floating in an inner-tube on the ocean; he’s got a cellphone at his ear and his tee-shirt reads, “Hollywood or Bust!”

[aside]Of course. Why do you think he’s so popular?[/aside]

Huh. People who lived thought the Great Depression in the U.S. or WWII in Europe might argue that things could be a lot worse. But I digress.

Not sure if anything could top this, but here goes…

1.- The hip new boy band whose moves are taking MTV by storm

2.- The hip new teen diva whose moves are taking MTV by storm

3.- Big Business buys off governmental overseers

4.- Republicans and Democrats both realize their parties are more like organized religions than political parties

5.- Europeans deride Americans as “culturally backward”. Meanwhile, the euro sinks another 10% against the dollar.

6.- Chinese government officials write checks with their mouths their armies can’t cash

7.- Russia acts like it’s still a Superpower. How cute.

8.- Hispanics in California and Texas decide they don’t need to learn English; community leaders express dismay at high crime and poverty levels. Racism, discrimination blamed.

9.- PETA’s new creed: “Animals. They matter a lot more than people.”

10.- Pat Robertson’s new creed: “Clergymen wielding secular power is not incompatible with Biblical teachings.”

11.- The Democratic Party platform: “Thank the deity (or deities) for Republicans! Without them, we’d have no platform.”

12.- The Republican Party platform: “The Democrats controlled the U.S. government from top to bottom for two years in the early 90’s and accomplished nothing. Let’s see if we can beat that longevity record!”
[sub]takes a bow[/sub]

Mad magazine ran “modernized” Norman Rockwell paintings on the back cover for a while a few years back- they were very skillfully done and always made me laugh. So funny I can’t remember a single one of them. So… well.


Dr P

let’s face it, it’s very hard to follow your act - you’re a talented chap.

But I would like to see a Rockwell take on a dingy alley, with a hard-boiled ancient crone in curlers throwing a youngster in a backwards baseball cap out a screen door into the street. From behind a cracked and grimy window, a woman in her fifties with a Big Hair and a black eye is giving him the finger, and a bunch of six-year-olds are jeering at him.

             "His First Lay"

Or maybe that Kinkaid fellow (Painter of Light, I believe) could tackle it.

You go, Paprika-man!!

**“Sniper in the Mall”

“Caught Touching Himself”

“Klan Jamboree”

“Helping the Old Folks Pee”**

and there were several more I can’t recall.

a bunch of people in a restaurant talking on their cell phones

parent rage at a little league game (daddy trying to beat up coach or umpire, while terrified little leaguers wail in the background)

SUV running a red light and hitting a pedestrian (driver talking on the cell phone and drinking a starbucks coffee drink)

dinnertime, and everybody has their own stouffers or hot pockets or lean cuisine, and everybodys watching TV, except for sis, who’s chatting on the cell phone

a disaffected teenager in his room building a homemade bomb

yuppies buying crack out of their porsche boxsters and audi tt’s

two young ‘wiggas’ walking down the street

a harried mom calling her kids ‘motherfuckers’ in the grocery
this is fun, but i agree with redboss, the doc always sets us up for failure by posting his (funnier) list first.

I think a lot of your suggestions were funnier than mine, so I can’t agree that I’m setting you up for failure.

So one more sugestion:

Doctor Run Out Of Town By Disgruntled Patients Carrying Pitchforks

Doc, you slay me!

How about:

The Doctor Who’s hands are tied by the HMO’s Lawyers
I worked at The Norman Rockwell Museum at Stockbridge for 3 years during my College years, and you think it’s bad seeing the pictures everywhere you turn! Ay-yi-yi!

Interesting. A major show of real Rockwell work is at the Phoenix art museum right now. Lines out on the sidewalk to see it. I’m going to have to see it now.

On a whim I bought the MAD magazine CD-ROM box set. I’ll look for the Rockwell spoof covers.