Notice:
Witness this adorable little lop-eared bunny rabbit I just purchased. The children call him “Mr. Wigglenose.” The 110 volt power supply that powers my computer is serially connected to Mr. Wigglenose’s wire cage. A subroutine (a perl script a friend made) is running constantly in the background of my computer, checking this thread. Any attempt by a moderator to move, close, or edit this thread will complete the circuit and fry Mr. Wigglenose.
It’s your choice.
I’m sorry it had to come to this, but it seems that this is the only reasonable defense against the random and persecution of our new overzealous mods. Oh how I long for the old days of Coldfires jack-booted clogs. How lucky we had it compared to the skin tight, black latex clad dominatrix that is TVeblen, and her stilletto high-heeled, knee-boots with which she grinds us like some hamster.
But enough shoe analogies. Move my thread… Even bring a mod hat in here and I SWEAR IT’S FUCKING FRIED BUNNY for dinner.
I’m sorry it’s come to this, but there it is.
Logically this brings us next to Norton Antivirus, of course.
I got this thing about a year ago, and when I signed up to buy it online, I was pretty much told by the website that I was being woefully neglectful by not buying the Norton Firewall as well. So, I bought those as well, only to learn by email that all was for naught unless I immediately paid for and downloaded SpamGuard and various filters too.
So I got those.
It has been a rotten anxiety-filled year on Scylla’s computer, let me tell you. Norton’s Internet Suite is like downloading some self-important ,paranoid little fascist prick and putting him in charge of your computer.
I guess I should have seen the warning signs, but truth be told, at first I was impressed with this software’s zeal and efficiency.
First it scanned my computer and internet settings and told me that Microsoft was defending my machine against foreign threats with a strategy that would appear dubious and untenable to even the French. It removed the Microsoft Maginot Line and replaced it with the Great Firewall of Norton. Then, it placed itself in charge of all the rest of my software and bitchslapped into compliance. From here on it no application was allowed in or out of the firewall without explicit permission, signed and verified.
Next, Norton told me it was going online on a scouting mission, to gather data about emerging threats, and conduct racial profiling on potential viral infestations.
“OK,” I thought. “That’s taken care of.”
BUT NO!
Every time I log onto my ISP, Norton has to pop-up this little box telling me that my computer has just been attacked! Fortunately, Norton has beaten off the attack and defended me from disaster.
The first time this happened, I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God I got Norton. That was a close one.”
Then, I noticed that it does it EVERY SINGLE TIME. Am I really being attacked this much? What about all the years before I got Norton? Did I just happen to muddle through avoiding certain disaster by sheer mindless luck? Was I really being attacked.
So, I say “OK,” and click the “tell me more.” button. Instead of any useful information all I get is some boiler plate about what a dangerous place the internet is and how lucky I am Norton was there to save me.
Every. Single. Time. I launch a web-based application, Norton pops-up with its alarmist fantasies to innoculate me with it’s scorched earth isolationist theory of internet access. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I go against Norton’s advice and give some innocuous long-standing, and trusted application internet privileges it chastises me like I was having sex in a Turkish bathhouse without a condom.
Every once in a while the fascist prick slows down my internet access while it farts around at home base, before loudly announcing that it has done something miraculous and I am now protected against grave and gathering threats.
Apparently I’m not effusive enough in my appreciation because every now and then Norton tells me that there are always new viruses and threats gathering in grave and dangerous fashions and that I had better give it some attention and help it go online and download some new virus definitions, lists, protocals… and what have you to complete Norton’s bloatware arsenal. The amount of things it downloads is truly staggering.
Then, once a week it comes on when I’m doing something and runs this enormous application to scan absolutely everything on my computer for like five hours, and if I try and tell it that I’m using the computer and am busy it gets all indignant and tells me that my actions are “not recommended.” and warns me that my computer will crash, my credit card information will be sold to Al Quaeda operatives, my identity will be stolen and I’ll end up spending the rest of my life in a cardboard box under a bridge.
This goes on for a whole year.
Now Norton wants me to re-up. Every single day. It tries to get me to go online and renew. It pops up this obnoxious box and tells me I only have 30 days left, and it “recommends” I go on line so I can give Norton more money and submit to this masochistic humiliation of constant alarmist hyperbole and egocentric pronouncements that is the Norton Internet Suite.
I ain’t doing it. I have seen the future.
At work we use MC Afee. MCaffee works quietly in the background and doesn’t leave me all panicky with it’s dire pronouncements. It just does it’s business quietly and without fanfare and then gets out of the way, like a shy teenage girl taking a crap in a public restroom.
Screw you Norton. I can’t wait to get you off my computer.