Of course they get Buffy. You’ll just have to wait for the speed of light to catch up with wherever you are. Didn’t you ever see that episode of Futurama where Fry cuts the transmission of Single Female Lawyer and a thousand years later, the aliens that were watching it on TV got pissed that it got cut off and threatened to destroy Earth?
Ahem. We’ve been meaning to speak to you about this.
We see every episode of “Buffy.” Frankly, we don’t understand your fascination with that little blonde ditz. Okay, so she’s got jugs the size of trans-warp antimatter converters. But does that really justify foisting it on every sentient race in the galaxy?
How many episodes of “I was a Teenage Xaantalu” do you see? Zero. Wanna know why? Because we adhere to these things called pollution control laws. But not you silly human semi-sentients. You happily litter the place with every manner of electromagnetic signal like it’s going out of style. Let me tell you, there’s nothing like trying to relax by tuning in to the soothing natural harmonics of the Quaal Pulsar and being suddenly interrupted by the squeal of an errant episode of “Father Knows Best” bouncing off the Gartash Nebula. It sucks.
Not to mention the heaps of metal junk you keep sending our way. Haven’t heard from that Voyager probe in a while, huh? Fucking thing got sucked into the intakes of my cousin Larry’s sub-light engines. He had to pull over, shut down main power and spend the better part of five weeks adrift while he waited for Roadside Assistance. Thank L’Wagatu the thing was still under warranty.
And to think we nudged Halley’s Comet off its collision course with y’all… I don’t know what we were thinking.
Yikes! Everyone run! The big, bad aliens are quite put out.
I bet they don’t even have invisible string.
Of COURSE the aliens use “y’all!” They are advanced enough to recognize the need for a distinct second person plural in English and have the good taste to recognize the most elegant solution to that problem. Y’all should be more like them.
You cannot blow up anything, since our agent stole the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.
And take those infernal devices you left behind with you. No human being could ever have conceived of a device such as “bagpipes”.
Dude, I’m all for equal rights an’ all, but if Buffy is foisting anything on anyone, then I damn well hope that the “anyone” is not some hoity-toity, “My pa can beat up yer pa!” alien.
Seriously, if you keep this attitude up, Mister, I’m gonna make sure that Buffy films another Scooby Doo movie… and then send that sucker out in space!
lurkernomore, Illudium is so 1976. I wouldn’t trust a piece of shit like a Q-36 to blow space barnacles off the hull of my Quantax A-1140 Light Cruiser.
About the bagpipes…They’re actually dried out Zygorthian Sand Critters - trophies from our conquest of that God forsaken orb of silicon. I don’t know why you Earthlings insist on blowing into their peckers and making music out of their farts. On my home planet, we simply hang them on the wall.
Now, enough with the attitude. Don’t make me come down there with my Zingotron X-4. Just ask the Kree. I accidentally grazed their planet with it 80 centons ago. Fucking planet flipped over on its axis, then stopped rotating altogether. Seven billion Kree floated off into space with their heads rammed up their asses. It was truly an abyss of fear and terror.
LISTEN UP, WABBIT & THESPOS
My patience is exhaused with the drivel that has been posted by you two wretched drippings of an oort-goblin’s dick.
As Supreme Military Chief of the Servants of Cthulhu, the most noble, powerful, and dreaded branch of the Illuminati, I am informing you that we have been aware of your pustulent existence for a couple of centures, but have hitherto felt you were too insignificant to worry about.
The Servants of Cthulhu are tired of the boasting of a couple of snake-felching monstrosities who aren’t bright enough to pour piss from a boot. If you had half the brains of an Antarean mushrogg, you would know that Buffy is the means whereby the Servants’ rulers transmit secret messages to each other and to the lesser branches of the Illuminati.
Know that we have had hyperspace travel for centuries, thanks to discoveries made by Leonardo da Vinci (a secret member of the Servants of Cthulhu), and we have installed five-dimensional, hyperuranic, transcosmic, pansexual laser cannon all throughout this solar system’s asteroid belt and select locations in other solar systems. Even as I type this in my hidden Fortress of Solitude, we are locking in our lasers on your worlds, you cretinous offspring of bagpipes and Denebian whores.
Annoy us much more and we will turn your squamous, noisome asses into so many clouds of BEM vapor. We’re the Servants of Cthulhu, baby; we won’t even think twice about it.
Consider yourselves and the dung-infested, syphilitic anthills you laughingly call civilizations warned. We don’t give two warnings.
BWAAA-HAAAH-HAAAH-HAAAH-HAAAH-HAAH-HA!!!
Bring it on, hippy.
I blame Scotch.
A) Centons? Who is 1976 here? Battlestar Galcatica?
B) All right. In the name of peace, I shall reveal our most tightly held secret. We have a sonic weapon of unimagined potentcy. The cries of the damned in the ninth circle of Hell is the music of the spheres compared to this. We needn’t ask the Kree anything. They were our test subjects. Didn’t you wonder why their heads were up their asses? They snapped their own spines attempting to cover their ears from the sound of your D-Bomb. All six of their hands couldn’t block out the sound, which will reverberate in their skulls until time itself ends. A small taste:
“Near, far, whereever you you are…”
Hear the hellish sound of - CELINE DION!!!
Thou art mistaken, Vibrotronica!
:: d & r :::
Miller: Yes, we’ve seen your ‘space’ movies. For the longest time we thought they were intended to be comedies what with all the pan-species sex and kinetic energy exhanges that they revolved around. Imagine our astonishment when we found out that you actually considered these to be serious movies! I mean, come on, do you actually think you’re that attractive a species that any of us would want to reproduce with you or engage in your twisted games?! No sentient in their right mind (although maybe a Trilarian would if you got it drunk enough) would even be caught dead within a light year of a smelly human! Lets take a few examples:
Star Wars: Supposedly takes place in a galaxy far, far away and it’d have to be because no sentient in THIS one would even dream of letting humans anywhere near a superluminal spacecraft, much less put them in charge of an empire. And what do you humans do in this bizarre alternative universe? Why have sex and blaze away at each other with wildly improbable, gigantic spacecraft which (for some odd reason) make ‘whooshing’ sounds as they move through a vacuum! Great.
Star Trek: Yes yes, we get it already–more crap about the stars. More sex here than in Star Wars, and with a variety of different species. All of us got a real kick out of the peaceful protestations of this show, especially since the news programs emanating from your planet at the same time showed that you were just as energetically applying kinetic energy to each other as always. We consider this a very clumsy, ill-thought-out-and-executed stab at a propaghanda film (we really didn’t expect any better, to be quite frank) for our consumption. I wish I could say ‘nice try’ but, well…
Predator: Possibly the most insulting movie yet. Do you actually think that one of us would be bored and/or stupid enough to want to hunt you?! I mean, come on: we could easily pot one of you from near Earth orbit if we wanted to. What makes you think you’re special enough to make me want to come down to that smelly planet of yours and slog around in your sewage just for the honor of putting one of your misshapen skulls in my trophy case? Yea right. If I want an ugly knicknack to show the squidlings I’ll just pop down to the nearest maxi-mart, thank you.
Alien: A tale which seems to revolve around a species which likes have sex with your faces, and the repercussions of said act. Again, you seem to have an overly optimistic sense of your own attractiveness. There is no way, NO WAY, that a gorgeous creature like that would be mucking around with a bunch of soft-headed, yelping sentients armed with a laughable array of primitive weapons. And where are your maternal instincts? Once the child is born, all you silly humans can do is run around wildly firing your pellet guns and lighting things on fire! Of course the small child is going to react negatively to such displays so I really don’t see why the audience would act shocked the kid starts tearing people’s heads off. I’m tempted to do the same every time I see one of you, in fact.
I guess what I’m saying here is that I don’t understand if you’re threatening us or trying to be amusing. Please clarify (not that we care, mind you).
Regarding Cthulu–I’m pretty sure there was a crazed, mercurium-hat (our version of tin foil) wearing sentient who spent a great deal of time messing with your simian heads a few millenia ago. It is now reformed (swore off the Alterian brandy finally) and runs a door-to-door slime aromatherapy business in the galactic core. Is that who you mean?
Oh yea–and Celine is one of us. But you already knew that I suspect.
Now I see why you’re so worked up. You’re driving the interstellar equivalent of the Pinto. Why, I heard tell that one of that there Hyrax’s backed into our atmosphere, our atmosphere, and the resulting explosion leveled a pretty forest near Tunguska.
Naw–actually one of the kids ‘accidentally’ launched a sub-light warhead at you. Apologize to the reindeer for me please–ok?
Regarding Cthulu–I’m pretty sure there was a crazed, mercurium-hat (our version of tin foil) wearing sentient who spent a great deal of time messing with your simian heads a few millenia ago. It is now reformed (swore off the Alterian brandy finally) and runs a door-to-door slime aromatherapy business in the galactic core. Is that who you mean? **
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I always knew we meer apes had scrambled brains. Now I will be able to finish my lifes work and prove my theory : Ain’t no sentient or higher function beings here. (Present company included)
oops, that should be functioning
as I said, present company included
Oh sure. I bet you’ll next tell me that the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter wasn’t some kind of parallel parking accident.
Hmmmm, after reading this… I think I need to snort some Draino in order to cleanse the idiocy from my mind.
Oh and to the OP, your supposed to VENTILATE when painting in a closed room.
-x out
So I assume that in your courner of the galaxy, the rotation of a planet is where its gravity comes from? Around here a planets gravity comes from its mass.