Greetings, Earthlings. You have recently shown some interest in expanding beyond that pissant garbage dump (no really, the Ullithi have been dumping their excess iridium on y’all for millennia-I thought you knew!) that you call home and venturing out into the rest of the galaxy. I have been elected, with some rather heated debate I might add, as the representative of the sentient races in the galaxy to suggest to you that doing you’re not quite ready for this important step. Why? Well, to be quite frank, everyone else out here hates you and you seem to be having some difficulty mastering some rather basic biological processes.
Lets start with your physical appearance. Lets face it, y’all are the UGLIEST bunch of hairy sentients to hit the galactic scene in, well, forever. We’re not sure (there was a great deal of debate as to what part of your anatomy was the most disgusting) but a consensus was reached that it’s the way you eat. Your ‘eating’ has got to be the most barbaric, inefficient and disgusting displays of energy conversion in recorded history. First you grab another living, respirating being unlucky enough to be native to your planet, and then you begin breaking it into smaller chunks using tiny knobs of crystallized calcium you call teeth, all the while spewing vile fluids and smaller pieces of the unfortunate organism all over yourself and the general vicinity (the two lose flaps of gristle you call ‘lips’ are notoriously inefficient at containing this mess when you even bother to use them). Then you swallow the resulting paste in a series of revolting gagging motions until the acids in your pitiful one stomach can release the prey’s energy. And what comes out you other end after this entire process is, if this can be believed, even more revolting than what went in! Why can’t you just unhinge your lower jaw and swallow your victim’s whole, or evolve a pseudopod to absorb nutrients from them after mercifully shielding the entire process from our sight? There are even organisms on your very planet that eat this way, why oh why must you persist in being so disgusting?! Or how’s about photosynthesizing–that’s a clean, non-smelly way to get energy. One can only conclude that you enjoy coating each other in the rotting bits of your prey for some reason.
When you’re not gnawing on someone, you appear to take an inordinate amount of joy in sticking pointed projectiles into each other at wildly varying velocities, usually with spectacularly fatal results. There just seems to be something about watching someone else absorb kinetic energy that y’all find entertaining and quite frankly the rest of us don’t get it. We’ve been watching you do this for several thousand years and at first it was cute (‘oh look X45-Luip–xxxi: that hairy simian just embedded a rock in that other one’s cranium!’) but after ages of watching you essentially just make bigger rocks and sticks (with fire thrown in occasionally for variety) to stick into each other, we’re simply bored every time y’all start in on your kinetic energy absorbing contests (i.e. which side can absorb the most kinetic energy without yelling uncle). Why this fascination with kinetic energy? We eventually commissioned a galactic survey to analyze your incredibly monotonous and boring spectrum of radiowave based auditory and visual entertainment and it came to the following conclusion: all of these kinetic energy displays are actually failed mating attempts. It makes such sense now: your mating involves (of course) much yelling and copious amounts of various foul-smelling fluids and–this was the kicker–shoving something pointy into one another! At last we had explained this odd behavior! Much congratulating and undulating and tentacle smacking was enjoyed amongst the researchers when they discovered this until they realized that this quite possibly made you the most MORONIC species to achieve sentience in living memory. I mean, what kind of lunkhead would confuse the application of high-velocity leaden pellets to various anonymous targets with reproduction?! Hell, most of the time they’re even aiming at the wrong subspecies! Don’t get us wrong–we’re quite happy to have y’all keep screwing up this very basic process–but I mean, come on! Don’t any of you ever THINK!! Quite frankly, once this had dawned on the conference the Retrol were hellbent on dropping a largish asteroid on y’all on general principles but we reluctantly restrained them in the interests of galactic peace.
So listen up, we are not going to give you these instructions again: when procreating it is necessary to sloooowly insert the correct pointed object into the correct orifice to successfully consummate the process. High velocity leaden pellets are no good and neither are rocks, sticks and various sharp metal objects and we’ll be dammed if we can figure out where y’all thought fire fit into this entire process. I mean really, y’all should be able to master this. It’s not that complicated. And chew with your damn mouths closed. That is all.
