Now your dead

This morning the phone rang at 6:00 a.m.

That’s rarely good.

“Hello?” I say warily.

“There’s been a tragedy in our family.” It’s my mother-in-law. Truth is she sounds sexually excited.

“Who? What happened?”

“Jamie died this morning.” Jamie is my wife’s 20 year old cousin.

“Heroin?”

“Yes, he overdosed.”

I’m relieved it’s just Jamie.

“I’ll get my wife.”

I go back to sleep.

I’m not surprised or disturbed at all.

Jamie and his brother Tom live in their grandparent’s house. Their father lives in that house. Their mother is the town pump a few town’s south of here.

Their father is hard working, but spoiled the kids rotten. They’ve been in and out of trouble for the last five or six years. They were never told “no.” Never learned discipline. They ran wild. Nobody did anything. Jamie’s father has bought Jamie 4 cars in as many years. he kept wrecking them, his dad kept buying new ones.

They were allowed to go out whenever they wanted. There were no controls.

Two weeks ago, the State interveened with Jamie and sent him to rehab. Last night he talked to one of my wife’s aunts and she said that he sounded drunk. But she didn’t do anything.

The house is now a potential crime scene, sealed off. Relatives are crying and screaming in the local hospital like the ignorant white trash they are. Jamie lies on a cot, mouth agape, so much meat.

His brother is the bad one. Jamie wasn’t terrible. He was clean cut, and could act fairly normal. He had redeeming qualities. I wish it was the brother instead, and it probably will be, soon.

I thought, and at several times had said aloud that there was nothing wrong with Jamie that I couldn’t solve in 20 minutes behind the woodshed.

I remember at a family picnic about 5 years ago. Jamie coming to me in near tears. Some kid had pushed him during touch football.

“Who?” I said. I don’t like bullies.

He showed me. The kid was half his size, and just playing the game.

“Push him back,” I said.

Jamie looked at me with disbeleif. This child has never done anything for himself. He has been coddled and handled, never had to face a consequence or a responsibility. His father gave him money. His father gave him other things as well, saying that better he gets it from me, than on the street.

Nobody ever said “No.” to this kid and made it stick.

I see this death as being squarely on the shoulders of the father. He should go to jail, and he may, being complicit in what happened.

So you’re dead now Jamie. Unfortunately, your death is as senseless and devoid of meaning as your life.

Your father seemed to get a sick pleasure out of the sympathy and attention you and your sibling’s problems accorded him.

This is clearly where this thing has been going for the last few years, and I hope he gets satisfaction from this attention.

I for one won’t be attending the wake, or funeral.

I don’t wish to dignify this pathetic little atrocity.

Godspeed.

I’ll bet you get flamed for this. I’ve known a couple of Jamies. That was very well said.

Haj

Go to the funeral.

This isn’t about you. And it sure as hell isn’t about Jamie’s father - that will come later. It’s about Jamie, about the Jamie that should have been, the Jamie that might have been. Mourn the the loss of hope - however small - that he might have had some sort of future. And mourn the fact that he - Jamie, not his father - was under all that a good human being.

Besides, this is family. Family obligations come before moral judgements.

So go to the funeral. And then, if you care enough, you can kick that piece of shit father’s ass.

At the risk of sounding like a bleeding heart, this doesn’t sound like a problem with Jamie. It sounds like a problem with his father. Poor kid probably never had any discipline whatsoever. He couldn’t behave better, probably because he never learned how.

I’m with Alessan on this one. Mourn for what could have been. The kid was a victim, not a victimiser.

Man, you’re going to get so flamed for this. But, having known at least one or two similar situations, don’t feel bad for not going, if you don’t feel that you should. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the effort.

How terribly tragic and sad. Such a waste of potential. My deepest condolences to you and your family, Scylla.

Do go to the funeral, though. I couldn’t stand my father’s mother and I was not sad at her passing in the least (not that I wished her dead or anything, but I didn’t and don’t mourn her loss). I still flew home to attend her funeral for the sake of those who were mourning. It was uncomfortable and in some ways felt a bit hypocritical, but I still think it was the right thing to do and I won’t ever have to look back with any regrets.

You might be sorry some day if you don’t go. You’ll never regret it if you do.

Besides, you might get some satisfaction out of glaring hatefully at the fuckwad who called himself a father but really wasn’t.


Jeg elsker dig, Thomas

I’m going to add to the chorus saying you should go to the funeral if you think it’s expected. The point you’re making by staying away–although I utterly comprehend it myself and would be tempted to stay away, too–will be lost on the people who probably most need to understand why.

I don’t know what Mrs. Scylla’s relationship is with this side of the family, but it could be worsened if her spouse doesn’t show up for a family thing. People get real funny about fumerals and appearances (weddings, too–any “Family” event) and failing to go through the right motions lead to years of small and large repercussions afterwards.

If you can cook up a believable excuse, though (“big project at work, couldn’t be postponed,”) maybe that would work.

He went to rehab ? Follow up has to be carried out very diligently as this is an extremely vulnerable time.

Well I’d guess his time was up, but it is a fact in the UK that the majority of OD’s occur in the first six or seven weeks after release from prison where the drugs have been adulterated far more than on the street.

It takes a huge amount of motivation to get off and keep off hard drugs, but it looks like he wasn’t equipped for it, sad I suppose.

Scylla, I’d suggest that if your wife decides to go, for whatever reason, you go too. I had a slightly similar situation and had it explained to me, in words of one syllable, that I was not going for the deceased, I was going as support and comfort for my mom, regardless of what I thought of the other people there.

And I think Cranky is 100% correct: boycotting the funeral could put her in an uncomfortable position (depending on her relationship with the concerned parties).

Fenris

Please replace all occurances of “her” in the above quote with “Mrs Scylla”

I’d kill for an edit feature.

I’m not going to flame you, Scylla. That would get me nowhere. I can’t help wondering if people are afraid to flame you, with the number of people going “oh, you’re gonna get flamed for this” so far exceeding the number of people actually flaming you, that number being zero.

I am dismayed at your cavalier attitude towards the death of a family member. Maybe you’ve had a lot of death in your life and you’re used to it. I don’t know you. But Jamie wasn’t just some stain on your wife’s family tree. You seem to feel as if his mistakes were personal insults directed at you, and I wonder why. You deride Jamie’s family members for not stepping in at some point and doing something about his tragic path, so why didn’t you? Why don’t you take this opportunity to try to make a difference for Tom, since his father and grandparents obviously don’t intend to? Why don’t you do anything other than stand by and watch these people ruin their lives and then whine about it to the SDMB? Your post here is worth nothing.

You’re a funny guy, but (and I can’t BELIEVE I’m about to say this), not everything is funny. Losing to your wife in tennis because of a fake fake is funny. Pretending to be the Supreme Leader is (kinda) funny. Heroin overdose? Not funny. I know you’ve got a lot of shit going on right now, and I’m sorry that this mess will just add to your personal issues, but I’m not gonna walk on eggshells because you’re under stress. Have some compassion. Other people go through stressful stuff too (like have their cousin/son/grandson die). Finding the strength to put other people’s needs first when you’re having a hard time is what it is to be a good person.

My best wishes go with you, your wife, and all your family. And Tom.

White Lightning:

(please don’t construe the curtness of this post for anger. I’m in a hurry.)

#1 My personal problems RE moving are extremely mild. A veritable emotional hangnail, nothing more. I felt a little pissy for a while, but that was it. Truly no big deal. 3rd person posting style may have made it seem stranger.

#2 This was not intended to be a humorous thread in any way shape or form.

#3 My atittude towards this is not cavalier. It had all the inevitablility of watching a car crash in slow motion. Like a witness to a car crash, there was nothing I could do. I maybe saw the kid ten times a year, if that. I’m a cousin-in-law in a huge extended family. My tolerance would not be appreciated or accepted. Others tried.

To me though, the father seemed determined. He gave the kid money and let him use the car after he was out of rehab two days. He left him unattended. Apparently there was a huge fight with another family memeber (a truck driver,) that almost came to blows, where Jamie’s father ended up promising not to give him money, or leave him alone. But then he did. When he came home, Jamie was in a pool of blood on his bed that had run from his nose. He was already dead by the time they got him to the hospital.

If you ever dealt with an alcoholic you’ll know where I’m coming from. It’s easy to be shocked the first time something terrible happens, maybe even the 7th or 8th. But, when in spite of everything; AA meetings, years of help, promises, histrionics, the guy goes out and gets drunk and wraps his car around a tree it’s hard to get to worked up.

You saw it coming. No surprise. Just a rotten inevitability.

#4 I’m going to the funeral Thursday. My wife can watch our child and I’ll go to represent us. These things bother my wife more than me. They mostly make me mad.

Thanks for the best wishes.

Best wishes.

Truly tragic stuff, Sylla. Glad you decided to go to the funeral.

Okay, points made. Re-reading my post, I seem to have been a bit presumptuous, and I apologize for that. It is your life, after all, and you would know what was appropriate far better than I would. I see what you’re saying, and I guess I misinterpreted some of the comments you made in the OP.

This is true: “You saw it coming. No surprise. Just a rotten inevitability.” I went through a similar situation in my family quite recently, and I really disliked the attitude of a lot of my family members about it, and it appears that I let some of that frustration spill over onto you. Again, I apologize.

Rotten inevitability. I hear that. Good luck at the funeral, and props to you for going. Do what’s best.

Not having been taught what to want out of life Jamie got what he wanted but never realized any dreams. He stole those dreams from himself when he started spiking his arm to get high. Daddy or no, Jamie knew better and continued on his path. That he probably didn’t have much of a map is another matter. You can still read the signs as you pass them.

Don’t feel bad because you had the wits to see what was coming a long time ago Scylla. That you have the decency to note the passing of someone whom so many would toss off as a loser puts Jamie’s life to some service.

My best wishes, Scylla and MrsScylla.

From what I understand, the real tragedy is not this loss of Jamie. He was “lost” early on…

Warmest regards,

Elly

Scylla:
Addiction is a tough disease. Jails, institutions, death and recovery are really the only 4 outcomes. And despite the best treatments, support, pro-active family members, and caring people all around, some people still don’t recover, and die like your family member.

It sounds like his immediate family enabled the hell out of him, and I’m sure that contributed to some extent. But despite all their actions, they didn’t cause his illness, they couldn’t cure it, and they couldn’t control it either. I’m not excusing their conduct at all, and they don’t sound like people I’d like to have as friends, but I’ve seen people from more dysfunctional backgrounds than that manage to take hold and get well, too.

My sympathies,
Qadgop

Last year, I carried my closest relative to a hole in the ground. Weeks later, his eldest son. mere days later, another close relative. After the last, I knelt in the cemetery in the rain, bawling like a four-year-old, and considered cutting my hands off so I wouldn’t have to carry any more boxes full of loved ones to their graves.

You’ll be sincere and polite, and respectful, I’ve seen your posts and you know how to act. When you get back home, grab the Mrs. Scylla and the Scylla-ette and give 'em a big squeeze. And thank whatever creator you hold sacred you didn’t lose someone that mattered to you.

b.

Sorry, it’s been rather a maudlin day, and I probably shouldn’t drink and post.

Hmm… after a huge hate fest with my own father I guess I’m a bit reluctant to engage, full fledged, into someone else’s deal…

Fathers, the very symbol we attach, can have long and hard repercussions into our lives… but then again, for a lot of us… how much of our lives are these “fathers” a part? I don’t mean to be cold or harsh… but… if you are like me… your “father” that is the man that “impregnated” your mother was at best a brief and short part of your life… At worst he was transitory… hey, let’s be honest… it doesn’t take much to be a “sperm donor”…

And that’s what most men are in the “Brave new World”… They are Sperm donors… they don’t give a rat’s ass… they hump, come and are gone long before the child comes… most women are left to deal with the fall out… I guess I’m lucky in a way… I KNOW who my dad is. And he KNOWS I’m his kid… I was born before DNA testing… back when they had to take the woman’s word… yeah, just look at my hands… and my father’s… I’m SO his kid… look at my face… I’m his… it was so easy then… but now… let’s go on Maury! Let’s have Oprah sort it out! Let’s go on Jerry Springer!

DNA testing makes it all REAL… you can’t just go by folk’s words… because words are so often full of shit… and fathers are so often gone… hey, at least, as far as I know, you should still know who your mom is… oh, wait… maybe not…

Give a shit. Care about the child you make. Be there not just for the pleasure but for the work. If you can’t be there for the work then cap your pleasure… CONDOMS SAVE LIVES!