Obnoxious Football Fans: I am Your Golden God.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

There are many uncertainties in life. Worries, doubts and fears are commonplace in our existence, and it seems that we spend the majority of our lives fretting over something or other.

But I am here today, my friends, to tell you that you can put at least one of those fears to rest. In all the uncertainty of the world, all of the doubtfullness, I assure you that at least one absolute truth remains.

And that truth is this: There will be enough novelty decal-ed NFL safety helmets for everyone.

How do I know such a glorious truth? Well, that’s easy enough to answer. I know because I spent the last eight and a half hours of my life putting decal after decal onto safety helmets, one after another. And I can assure you that I will do the same tomorrow, and the next day, on until the end of the week, and then on until the end of the summer.

And be happy with the knowledge that these are high quality novelty decal-ed NFL safety helmets, for my ever-vigilant eye kept watch over each one. No air bubble escaped my squeegee of justice. No wrinkled decal was too wrinkled to be ironed out by my glorious knuckle, and no helmet was scratched by my expertly-wielded box cutter.

So, obnoxious football fans of the world, I once again tell you that there will be a plentiful supply of novelty helmets at souveneir stands around the country for you to wear in support of your favorite team. From the brashest of beer-guzzlers to the timidest of small children, all will be equipped with one of these glorious hats. All will be able to cheer on their favorite team, and all will be happy. For I am Jester, Lord High Commander of Novelty Decal-ed Safety Helmets!!!

PH33R MY L33T H3LM3T SKILLZ!!!

And here I thought that my summer job was going to be pointless and stupid. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go and rest, so that I can wake up at 5:00 tomorrow morning and begin the struggle anew.

[sub]Kill me. Someone. Please.[/sub]

2

Though I may never wear a novelty decal-ed NFL safety helmet, I applaud your efforts to provide your nation with the pinnacle of novelty consumer goods. Were I able, I would set up a band-aid fund for your brave, hardy knuckles. I would fight the good fight to ensure that your squeegee never falls below optimum squeegee standards. May your box-cutter never a helmet scratch.

God bless you, defender of all that is good and right in the world of novelty items.

3

Damn, Jester, you the man! I personally feel that there’s been a dearth of novelty safety helmets in this fair land. You, sir, have been a boon to those who have been unable to don novelty safety helmets, simply due to a lack of available novelty safety helmets.

Quick question, though. What’s a safety helmet? Is it similar to, but not quite, a hard hat?

4

Obnoxious football fans?

Isn’t that redundant?

5

Damn, I was hoping to get a novelty unsafety helmet.

6

With a little bit of a rewrite, and your tongue more firmly in cheek, this is worthy of the Onion, which means it’s pretty damn good already.

If I’m ever at an NFL game this year, I will make it a point to buy one of those novelty helmets, wear it once, then set it on fire in the parking lot while chanting a voodoo spell in honor of your work. I promise.

7

Awwww. It’s so Oliver Twist! You should break into a song and tap dancing routine to herald your nervous breakdown. You could have a lurid behind closed doors factory romance and everything. All so you can bring bread home to starving immigrant family. Hmm…gives me an idea. :slight_smile:

8

Awwww. It’s so Oliver Twist! You should break into a song and tap dancing routine to herald your nervous breakdown. You could have a lurid behind closed doors factory romance and everything. All so you can bring bread home to starving immigrant family. Hmm…gives me an idea. :slight_smile:

9

Damnit! I did NOT mean to double post. <sigh> Sorry about that. It’s the first time I’ve double shot in months.

10

Francesca, your words have moved me. Truly, with your support, I should be able to fend off the tedium that goes with my job for at least five minutes tomorrow. :slight_smile:

Munch, a safety helmet is a hard hat, I just felt like being different. It’s for a company that manufactures hard hats for construction sites, but they’re also buying into the whole NFL Football logo dealie thing.

Watch it, blowero, I resemble that remark.

Encinitas, I’m afraid all that I can do for you is to give you a shoddily decal-ed helmet. But, alas, even that would go against the ages old Code of the Helmet Decal-ers (reverb, reverb).

pesch, what can I say. I’m flattered. Thank you very kindly. And if you could dance around that flaming hard hat like a wild injun for me, I’d be much obliged.

Zoggie, it is quite Dickensian, except that instead of porridge, we get decals. And we never have to ask for more. Because there are always more decals. <shudder>

11

Well, since Zoggie shot twice, I won’t shoot at all.

Er… wait.

Must…not…press…reply…AUGH!

12

[deep commercial announcer voice]
We salute you Mr. NFL saftey helmet novelty decaler. Without your hard work, our decals would be wrinkled, filled with air bubbles. With the viligence of your skilled knuckles, our fears of a crummy sticker are for naught.

Mr. NFL saftey helmet novelty decaler, we can now count on your helmets to match our painted drunken bellies, and our favorite chain eateries can depend on your helmets to give them a fake local flavor.

Without you, Sir, and the product you supply, the J - E - T - S Jets Jets Jets cheer would seem a little less memorable.

So Mr. NFL saftey helmet novelty decaler, once again we salute YOU and this Bud’s for you.
[/deep commercial announcer voice]
By the way, I once worked making sure the labels were all straight on 8 oz. bottles of Pond’s Age Defying Lotion. For 8 hours a night. Thousands of bottles. All night long. I can feel your pain.

13

Thanks for the clarification, Jester.

I have a quick assignment for you. I need you to wear one of the safety helmets, and then do the safety dance. C’mon, Jester, look at your hands.

S-S-S-S-A-A-A-A-F-F-F-F-T-T-T-T-Y-Y-Y-Y

14

You know, you can dance if you wannu.

15

and where can I get one of these?

Can I get one to fit my Tiny cow that I have on order?

16

My second day at work, and insanity is seeping in. So, I’ve decided to document things, so that at the very least we can have a case study of what helmet labeling does to a person.

Today was, once again, horrible monotony, but I had a CD player, made things a bit better. It was now horrible monotony with a soundtrack. The high point of the day would have to be when the sealer that I was working on short circuited and almost caught fire. Hilarity ensued.

17

My second day at work, and insanity is seeping in. So, I’ve decided to document things, so that at the very least we can have a case study of what helmet labeling does to a person. Random thoughts:

Today was, once again, horrible monotony, but I had a CD player, made things a bit better. It was now horrible monotony with a soundtrack.

When I went to put helmets through the flame treater, though, I left my CD player at my desk. Not one to be easily defeated, I quickly made up a song to hum to myself. I spent the next hour singing to the tune of “Car Wash”:

Followed by a series of “doo’s” that trailed off, since I have no idea how the rest of “Car Wash” goes.

The high point of the day would have to be when the sealer that I was working on short circuited and almost caught fire. Hilarity ensued.

Cities I now Hate Due to Their Football Teams Having Complicated Decal Patterns:
-Chicago, since the damn C’s keep twisting up on me.
-Miami, for two reasons: a) because the damn dolphin has to be adjusted just right, and was smirking at me all day and b) There are three, count em, three separate stripes that I have to put across the helmet. Ya greedy bastards.

I think that’s all for today. Have a good night, and pray for Jester.

18

Hm. Damn double posting. I’m not even quite sure how that happened. :smack:

19

You have a “flame treater” for your helmets and you’re still soul crushingly mind numbed? The Youth of Today. I pity you.

And these safty helmets? Can you flip them over and rest them in the ring of, say, a duct tape roll and fill them with ice and keep some unnamed beverage cold in them?

Ooo! Can you flip them over and rest them in the ring of, say, a duct tape roll and fill them with onion dip for your onion dipping enjoyment? Or do they have air holes in them so your dip will dribble out? Which isn’t a trouble if you filled it with ice. That way the ice water wouldn’t back up.
-Rue. (looking for a marketing potential beyond headwear)

20

Sadly, Rue, I found out the first day of work that the word “Flame Treater” is very devious. There is, in fact, no flame involved. In fact, there’s barely any treating involved for me.

What we use to flame treat the helmets is a big-ass machine called the “Lectro Treat”. It sounds like a really messed up lollipop, but it looks like a big metal box. My job when flame treating the helmets is to take a helmet, put it on a conveyor belt, and watch as it goes into the box and gets lectrified, so that the decals stick better. Then, somebody else catches it at the other end and stacks them. It’s an incredibly slow-moving conveyor belt, too, meaning that in order to flame treat 150 helmets I need to stand in front of the stupid box for an hour or so.

Work keeps getting more and more tedious by the day. Though I found out today that Home Depot just ordered a few thousand helmets, so everyone should soon be able to buy these things and marvel at my handiwork. Also, that means that I now have the opportunity to work seven days a week! Yay! Suffice it to say, that’s not an offer that I’ll be taking them up on.

I’ve spent the last two days making Dolphins helmets, which means that I now don’t just hate Miami, I hate it with a fiery passion.

Even the songs that I make up are getting less creative. Today I was reduced to just singing the words “hard hats” to the tune of the Meow Mix song, because I’ve been some fried.

Tomorrow’s Friday, though. Thank God.