Of Friendship: a response to glurge

[Roland_Orzabal]

Like many, I am cursed with a “friend” from work that feels it necessary to forward any and all inspirational glurge to everyone else in the office. Today, I decided I’d had enough of it, so during my lunch break, I whipped up a quick response to her latest offering:

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

Remember: people who are polite can never be your real friends, and only those dearest to you will gank your food.

A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

Perhaps you should offer your real friend a towel. Or a different shirt. I mean, damn, how much have you been crying if his actual shoulders are soggy?

A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

True friends are creepy and look up information about the relatives of their acquaintances. If somebody prank-calls your dad, it’s a sign you’ve truly bonded with them.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

So my “real friend” is too cheap for the wine? I can clean my own freaking house; where’s the hooch?

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

Both kinds of friends will get pissy with you when you call; it’s the specific complaint that determines their true status. Insightful.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

“Hey, it’s me, your real friend! Got any problems I can help you with? No no, don’t tell me about them; that’s not the kind of friend I am. I’d like to help, but without actually listening to you.”

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.

Friends don’t let friends kiss and tell, unless of course they’re short on cash that day, in which case it’s fifty bucks or your old nudie pics on MySpace.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend is a complete idiot, and sure must not like anybody very long if he stops talking with them the first time they disagree about anything. A real friend, on the other hand, makes sure to get in touch while you’re both still pissed at each other and don’t want to talk.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you!

Remember: all your real friends assume you hate them. If someone turns to you in their time of greatest need, it’s a sign they’re not very close to you.

A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it. A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you!

So what about a friend who reads this email, makes fun of it and sends it back to you? Where does he fit in? And why would your friend send you a message you’ve obviously already read, given that you sent it to him in the first place? Does your friend like to waste your time? Apparently REAL friends do.

Pass this on to anyone you care about…if you get it back you have no beginning, no end. It keeps us together, like our Circle of Friends.

…okay, for me to make fun of that, it would first have to acquire some sort of meaning. The most I can get from it is that people who get the same email twice become immortal. I mean, I guess there’s no harm in trying, but…

Today I pass the friendship ball to you. Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you…

No no, this isn’t a ball. We’ve been over this. Balls are round, tangible, and less electronic. They have mass, and, unless there’ve been advancements in quantum teleportation that I’ve missed out on, can’t be passed between people through the internet.

When you are down to nothing . God is up to something!

So does that mean that God’s plotting against me? Or is he trying to help me? Either way, he’s not doing a very good job, considering the guy’s omnipotent. If he really was “up to something”, you’d figure he’d have accomplished it by now. I guess absolute power must be hell on one’s efficiency ratings.
Anyway, I think Glurge Lady hates me now. I don’t know why; I was just trying to be a real friend to her!

[Anaamika]

@Roland Orzabal

…okay, for me to make fun of that, it would first have to acquire some sort of meaning. The most I can get from it is that people who get the same email twice become immortal. I mean, I guess there’s no harm in trying, but…

Most of it was pretty…well, meh, honestly, but this made me crack up. Thanks for the laugh.

[MacTech]

@Roland Orzabal

No no, this isn’t a ball. We’ve been over this. Balls are round, tangible, and less electronic. They have mass, and, unless there’ve been advancements in quantum teleportation that I’ve missed out on, can’t be passed between people through the internet.

Heh

Unless of course we’re referring to Happy Fun Ball!
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!

[msmith537]

@Roland Orzabal

Like many, I am cursed with a “friend” from work that feels it necessary to forward any and all inspirational glurge to everyone else in the office.

Well…thanks for passing your curse onto the rest of us :rolleyes:

[Roland_Orzabal]

@msmith537

Well…thanks for passing your curse onto the rest of us :rolleyes:

Yes, because posting a sarcastic response to insipid tripe is equivalent to clogging the inboxes of the masses with copious amounts of said tripe on a regular basis. 'Course, you might just not be big on sarcastic responses, in which case you could always refrain from actively posting them in response to a lighthearted thread.

[Roland_Orzabal]

Eh, actually, msmith, ignore that last. I thought the thing was amusing when I wrote it, but that’s probably why there’s a difference between the Dope and blog. Perhaps I should just stick to CS and the Pit like I did before.

[PoorWarblingOne]

“Hey, it’s me, your real friend! Got any problems I can help you with? No no, don’t tell me about them; that’s not the kind of friend I am. I’d like to help, but without actually listening to you.”

This just made me laugh out loud. Please tell me you actually sent all this to the person, and not just to us… You may find yourself receiving fewer of these emails in future. More fool you if the immortal bit should turn out to be true… :dubious:

[Blue_Mood]

Thanks for a great laugh.

[Cat_Whisperer]

Just this weekend I responded to one of my brother-in-law’s endless glurges by telling him that I would not forward it because of the anti-Muslim propaganda that was included. He promptly wrote me back to argue that it wasn’t anti-Muslim, it was anti-Extremist. I’m going back to my previous method of just deleting everything he sends me. It’s easier and less frustrating than arguing with someone who gets their world news from a local newspaper that is two steps up from the National Enquirer.