{OK, I’ve tried to think of a better thread title forever. We’re all just gonna have to try to live with this one}
A while ago I got into a discussion with Biggirl about how she (a black woman) feels when she sees little old ladies clutch their purses or cross the street to not walk near her. I said that I feel that she (Biggirl) is in control of her emotions, so if she feels bad when she sees someone do that and she doesn’t like feeling bad, then she shouldn’t get mad at the little old ladies but should decide not to feel bad. It’s not always the case that the little old ladies feel scared when they see a black person, and, if they do, then screw 'em, they’re stupid, so don’t let it get to you.
The larger point I was trying to make is that in any given communication, the hearer may hear more than the speaker has said, and the hearer often has a choice in how to take a statement. Last week something happened to me that brought this issue fresh to my mind.
It was raining as I drove to work, so instead of walking outside and across the street from my parking garage to smoke outside in front of my building like I usually do, I walked into the covered area just outside of the parking garage.
As I’m standing there puffing away, a guy walks up and asks if I have a light. The guy is holding a Black and Mild (or a similar product that is essentially a cigar with a plastic tip on the end).
I’m feeling giddy that day for some reason (plus it was Friday), so as I hand him my lighter I say “OK, but only as long as you just have tobacco in there,” and I’m smiling. (You see, some folks hollow out Black and Milds and replace the tobacco with marijuana.)
So it’s not the funniest joke in the world, just a friendly little throwaway. I guess the response I was expecting from the guy (showing which “humor element” he picked up on) was either a smiling “yeah, right” (spoken or not), recognizing the absurdity of holding a large quantity of an illegal substance in plain view in the middle of downtown and then lighting it up in front of ten or fifteen other people.
The other response I expected was maybe a smiling “not til the weekend” (with a knowing glance and/or a wink) if the guy actually does smoke pot. Either way, I was opening myself up first to show that I was “in” on something that he may “in” on, i.e., the knowledge that some people use Black and Milds to smoke pot.
Instead, the guy said, “You had to add that, didn’t you” as he handed my lighter back with a scowl on his face, and then he walked away a few feet to have his smoke, shaking his head. I felt bad about it, but I didn’t walk over and talk to him about it further because (i) I was finished with my smoke and needed to head over to work and (ii) it was a little uncomfortable knowing that this guy felt offended, and I thought any further discussion would just make the whole situation worse. From his perspective I was a racist, so why would he want to talk to me further?
Oh, by the way, the guy was black and he had dred-locks. Not the big “I’ve never washed my hair ever” dreads, just normal well-kempt shoulder length dreds. (And I’m a white dude, BTW.)
So, basically, I made a little throwaway joke cuz I was feeling chirpy on a Friday and he got offended and probably thought I was a racist (or maybe a guy prejudiced only against black guys with dred-locks, or something).
If the dude needing a light for his Black and Mild had been any other race, though, I swear I would have said the same thing. I didn’t specifically mean any offense based on race, and I don’t think him being black had any relationship to me saying the joke.
To over-analyze even further, by making my statement I meant to show that we were in the same group, i.e., people who know that some people use Black and Milds to smoke pot, but what I actually accomplished in his mind was to show that we were in different groups.
I felt bad about this situation for a couple of days.
So what do you guys and gals think of this situation? My take is that it illustrates what I was talking about with Biggirl, meaning that this guy chose to see the remark as offensive and me as a racist, but there were other equally (and I’d argue more) plausible interpretations he could have made of my statement.
The larger point is that to make progress on racial issues it’s not only up to speakers to not be racists, but it’s also up to hearers to not hear racism when none is there. This dude may have used my statement to reinforce his belief that racism still exists when in actuality racism was the farthest thing from my mind and heart when I made my statement. So, his racism-o-meter went up a notch even though no racism actually occurred.
Notice to anyone wanting to respond along the lines of “well, I think you wouldn’t have said it if the guy was white”: I know me better than you know me, and I am the most color-blind person you’ll ever meet. If you respond in this vein, please start a pit thread immediately afterwards so that I may respond to you properly.