Oh GOD no!! Gummy bears!

CanvasShoes · December 7, 2013, 8:38am

http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC

…Maybe it was because I was mentally refreshing my language lessons, but it suddenly struck me how much pre-diarrheal grumblings sound like German words.
“ENTSCHULDIGUNG!” was the next thing uttered by my rapidly clenching stomach. Appropriately, Andrea looked up in response.
“Sind Sie Kaffee machen?” she asked.
Am I making coffee?
I thought I must have mistranslated her at first, then finally I realized that yes, the loud, ominous gurgling coming from my gut could easily be mistaken for the percolating of some bachelor’s crappy coffeemaker.
It’s remarkable how quickly one knows that one is about to have a traumatic pottymaking experience. Maybe that’s the body’s way of buying you the precious seconds you need. I was already calculating the number of steps to the bathroom, speculating on whether I would have time to lift the lid to the toilet, when my own voice cried out loudly in my head.
She’s going to hear EVERYTHING!..

Okay, I’m the last person to enjoy potty humor, but OMG. (and the guy who did the “review” partially quoted above has GOT to be one of our dopers…too clever).

Cheesesteak · December 7, 2013, 9:34am

I binged on sugar free chocolates once.

Once.

CanvasShoes · December 7, 2013, 10:55am

You know? I’ve tried those as well, and while I did notice some very slight distress (a bit of grumbling, maybe a stomachache), it was nothing like some of those poor people were describing. The one with the preacher about killed me. “Oh my heavenly father, I’m not gonna make it”! And “apocalyptic murder bears”. Some of these folks were quite creative.

And then the other commenters who were trying to be helpful, or even slightly scolding “sugar free candy has been proven to cause digestive issues, you really should pay attention to the warnings” and were just completely oblivious to the fact that these other reviews were done tongue in cheek… Somehow that just made it funnier.

terentii · December 7, 2013, 4:23pm

The German is, I’m pretty sure, wrong. It should be “Machen Sie Kaffee?”

monstro · December 7, 2013, 4:26pm

At least now I know what I should eat if I should ever have to get back on Abilify.

aruvqan · December 7, 2013, 6:51pm

I believe I have recounted one attempt by a lady in a previous job to make a cake for my birthday [ me being diabetic and always refusing to eat office party cake] - she made the ganache for the icing from sugarless chocolate. The bathroom was very popular for a few hours that afternoon … :eek:

CanvasShoes · December 7, 2013, 7:30pm

You’re right of course, “our” Dopers would have gotten it right.

James_Toothpaste · December 7, 2013, 7:58pm

Actually, I also enjoy potty humor.

Unauthorized_Cinnamon · December 7, 2013, 8:47pm

You have enriched my life with this. While some of the more rococo entries are a lot of fun, I really enjoyed the succinct review referencing ceiling fans!

CanvasShoes · December 7, 2013, 10:31pm

I liked that one as well! It put me in mind of our own “prehensile rectum” thread.

shantih · December 7, 2013, 11:24pm

Close! The correct question would be, “Kochen Sie einen Kaffee?”

SerafinaPekala · December 7, 2013, 11:41pm

Hilariously witty! Love the ideas for gifting “Dad’s fiance” with them too. Come to think of it, I know some frenemies who’d benefit from a lethal dose.

Pai325 · December 8, 2013, 4:19am

I can eat sugar free stuff with no problem except that I hate the taste and go for the sugared stuff.

I loved the reviews! I shouldn’t laugh at giving it to unsuspecting people, but I do.