A peregrine falcon? Please? The thing is – and I assume you must know this – there are so many damn pigeons round here. Aside from being annoying little shits, this spring they ravaged – ravaged! – our lettuces. We had to start all over again and then net everything. I really don’t want to have to go through all that again next year. So this isn’t an indulgence I’m asking for here, it’s a very practical measure. Any chance?
j (But I guess you knew that, right?)
(Taking requests now. Maybe.)
A friend of mine has a huge pigeon loft with hundreds of Birmingham Rollers (aka hawk snacks).
He’s the exact opposite of the OP.
Well, the purpose of this thread was to provide a forum for others to petition for their (niche?) needs, but I take your point.
If my request is granted, I promise to do all I can to keep my falcon away from your friend’s loft. But if his pigeons go after my lettuces - look out!
j
I never thought of pigeons as garden pests. They like peas, but I never thought they’d graze on lettuce. Are you growing leaf lettuce, heads of romaine, arugula, what?
And if a caring god existed, I’d petition for a garden of cannabis, ready for harvest. 
A ride on a SpaceX rocket. It would be so cool to do this while I was still young enough to handle it.
Pigeons are a plague, I fully agree. They shit all over the terrace and they transmit all kinds of nasty diseases, not to mention the lettuces; no better than winged rats in my book. Some people around here fight them with mock ravens, that seems to deter them for a while, but they get used to them. Need some better ravens that move menacingly at irregular intervals. A transparet kite with the silhouette of a falcon can be quite useful, if you manage to keep it on the air autonomously. Ask a kite expert, some models are really cool.
It is definitely too late in the year to harvest cannabis. At least where I live. You should have harvested the weed at least a month ago. How can you be so negligent? All that good stuff wasted, ts, ts, ts…
My petition? I want a solar powered zeppelin.
I seem to recall that rubber snakes are a deterrent for pigeons. Or was it owl statues?
Rubber snakes don’t deter owl statues.
A new pancreas.
Hey, if @panache45 is requisitioning from a body shop, I’ll take a new neck!
~VOW
and a new liver on standby, just in case.
Jeez, the demographics of this board…
j