This is your own value judgment, and has no necessary bearing on reality. I’m no pro chef, but my kid loves curry, fish, and runny eggs.
Its interesting reading this thread.
I am one of those darn picky eaters, I struggle mightily to eat many, many of your icky foods. Its never been something I gave a damn about really, but…
I have been seeing a girl for a few months now, a girl who would describe herself as a hardcore foodie. When we were still just friends she described food as her “passion”, and she travels to different cities just to experience the cuisine. She saw picky eaters as like children, all fussy and shit.
So there I am, the anti-foodie. I tried, I really did, but even when I made the effort to eat new foods before I couldn’t deny one thing. I could never, never think of food the way she does. I can make myself eat the food of the week, but it will never be because I want to, it will always be because I have to.
So, being the honest type, I just told her this. I said that I was sorry, but I could never see food as she saw it, it could never be a passion to share together, and I thought it better she knew this now rather than later before we got too serious. She was upset, but she said that, ok, its only one thing, and she wanted to stay together.
So here we are. And this thread is reinforcing something that I suspected anyway, that our relationship is a doomed ship. That eventually my dislike of vegetables will become the itch that wont scratch, something that will bug her more and more as time goes on.
I do wonder sometimes, are we just fooling ourselves? Is picky eating really the hammer hanging over our relationship?
Probably, but not inevitably. My late wife told me when we were dating she had no interest in camping. “That’s why God created Marriot Hotels!”
I have been camping once (with my brother) in the last nine years.
Since taste is subjective, yes, it DOES have a bearing on reality. The reality is that not everyone likes everything, and the most magnificently cooked X is not going to be like by someone who simply does not care for X in any form.
My bugaboo with this is squid. I just don’t like squid. Mind you, I am capable of eating it without feeling ill and will do so out of politeness when I must but I will never, ever, voluntarily order it again, or seek it out, or choose it if given a choice.
It seems whenever I declare this someone always pipes up with “If you just tried it [insert cuisine/technique/sub-species/whatever] you’d love it!”. No, I won’t. I’ve have tried it cooked in various cuisines from deep-fried American South to spiced up quasi-Tex-Mex to Greek, Italian, and other Mediterranean variants to several types of Chinese to Vietnamese to Korean to Japanese. I don’t care for squid. Not the taste or the texture or the appearance or the aroma. Period. It’s the squidness I don’t like, as other meats prepared with those techniques/cuisines are fine.
Basically, if you made an entree of squid that would please the Gods of Olympus and a dozen other pantheons I still wouldn’t like it… because I don’t like squid. They’re not the WORST thing I could put in my mouth, but I think given the range of squid I have sampled over two decades it’s time to draw the logical conclusion.
I feel the same about a couple other things. Again, this is not due to a medical issue, and it’s not nausea-level distaste, it’s just that I don’t like them. I agree that, in some circumstances, the polite thing to do is to take a bite/sample/whatever and then pass on the remainder. This nonsense, though, of “training” myself to like it… is exactly that, nonsense.
I think at a certain point, after you’ve tried a couple variations on something, you can figure out if you like it or not. If you’re an adult, you can choose not to eat it thereafter, particularly in your own home.
But that is different than never trying something new at all, or a new way of cooking something. Some people grow up with horribly restricted diets which makes it difficult to try new things. I feel somewhat sorry for them. I would encourage them to try new things. I would not, however, think they’re “childish” for preferring what they’re familiar with. If a kid is raised with curry, fish, and runny eggs that’s what they’ll think of as normal and familiar, even as comfort foods and maybe they’ll find peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as alien and repugnant.
The other thing is that our perception of taste does alter as we age. Our tastebuds aren’t as sensitive, so flavors that were too strong for us as children might become enjoyable later in life. That doesn’t make a kid’s perception “wrong”, just different. It doesn’t mean that kids shouldn’t try new things, or learn to eat a bite or two as a social politeness, but if a kid doesn’t like lima beans (as an example) don’t expect repeatedly feeding them to change that, no matter how often the kid manages to satisfy the “at least one bite” rule.
Sorry if I was unclear. I was referring specifically to this:
I posted in haste and thought I had cut down the quote to include only this.
To me, the reason for the pickiness is less important that how picky people conduct themselves. Behaving maturely when presented with foods you find intolerable is an important social skill to learn.
For example, I know two people who are allergic to soy. One is a 30-year-old woman who is polite and apologetic when she asks others to accommodate her allergy. She makes careful choices when going to restaurants or people’s homes and I’ve never heard her criticize someone’s cooking. I am very happy to have her as a friend. The second person is a woman in her 50s who I recently met for the first time at a potluck. She interrogated me about the ingredients in my dish (which I don’t mind so much) then spoke at length about her allergy symptoms (which I rather do). She later picked up a container of salad dressing someone else had brought, exclaimed “Ugh! Soy!” in a loud voice, and put it back down with a flourish. That’s when I silently decided that I’d never be able to be friends with this woman, because making someone feel bad just because they offered food with a common but problematic ingredient is just too rude for me to accept.
It depends.
It depends on whether or not the two of you can really accept this difference in each other. Can you reach a point where, when traveling to a new city, she gets to indulge her cuisine exploration and you can do something else without either of you feeling resentment? Can she accept you just aren’t a foodie and NOT try to convert you? Can you accept her need/desire for new food experiences?
I love sushi. My spouse does not. So when we go to the local Japanese restaurant I get sushi and he gets Americanized fried rice and we’re both happy - not the least because neither is making nasty comments about the others’ choices. Likewise, we we eat at a Mexican restaurant he makes no mention of my very timid and limited choices and I have no problem with his exploration of [del]pain[/del] hot sauce and tacos made from organs I didn’t know cows possessed. Sometimes you just have to be happy the other person is happy even if he/she is happy about something you don’t care for.
At home, we both occasionally indulge in foods the other doesn’t like, in some cases does not like intensely. Other times we make a point of eating something we both like.
I think your case of foodie/anti-foodie might be more extreme than our situation, but it is somewhat analogous. It’s not an insurmountable obstacle, but it requires that both of you really understand that the other has different preferences that are unlikely to change. If you can agree to disagree without feeling a need to convert the other I think it can work out. If you want to make the effort.
No. The eat a tiny bit of everything is the rule for kids. The guests are the ones who “get” to have 1 or 2 things they don’t like to eat, otherwise they’re not invited back.
I find saying “Oh, that smells wonderful, I’m sure it’s delicious. I’m sorry, though, for health reasons I have to decline. I’d hate to spoil or disrupt your party due to a bad reaction to that so I’ll have to pass. Unfortunately.” *::: look longingly at dish, sigh ::: * goes a long way to protecting the cook’s feelings.
The fact that I do miss many foods now off limits to me just makes it easier to be convincing. I try to make it clear it’s my health problem causing me to pass the dish, not any flaw in cooking or presentation. Avoiding “gory details”.
It probably matters how often the subject comes up. If it’s easy for both of you to forget this area of difference because it’s not that big of a deal to accomodate each other, then that bodes well for your relationship. If, on the other hand, it’s the little monster that opens up its craw everytime you dine out or cook dinner, forcing either one of you to revive the same argument over and over again (either out loud or silently), then I think it’s doomed. The potential for resentment and contempt are too high.
I don’t think I could be with an eater who is so picky that they actually self-identify as picky. But I also think I’d have a hard time being with a self-identified foodie type as well. Foodies are often so particular about food that, practically speaking, they aren’t really different from picky folks; the only difference is that many of them pride themselves on having sophisticated taste. In a way, that makes them more obnoxious to me than picky eaters, because I can tolerate childish insularity a tad better than snobbishness. Maybe your GF isn’t this kind of foodie, though.
Anyway, I lose my patience with foodies and pickies because being around them usually makes the process of getting food that much more complicated, time consuming, and aggravating. This would be bad enough under normal conditions, but if I’m hungry? And you’re making me go on an epic odyssey to find something “special” even though perfectly tasty, perfectly edible, perfectly affordable food is within easy reach? Hell in the naw.
To be frank, I can’t imagine how a true hardcore foodie can coexist with a picky type of the chicken nugget variety.
My husband is a foodie. When we travel he wants to try all sorts of things he hasn’t eaten before. When we went to Finland he was thrilled to be able to try reindeer and bear. I tried lingonberries and considered that pretty adventurous for me. We have no problem eating together though. He can order whatever weirdness he wants and I can get something that I like on almost every single menu, which means that when we go down to Washington D.C. in April and we go to Ray’s Hell Burger he can get the burger with seared foie gras and bone marrow and I can get a cheeseburger with bacon and we will both have exactly what we want. If you are picky enough that you have trouble dining out you might not be together long but otherwise you should be able to make it work if you really love one another.
Ah, I see my extensive and complex rules need clarification.
It’s not really a rule. It’s just that if someone has one or two things they let me know they don’t like, I consider that totally normal. If you come for dinner I will accomodate that, you might get your own special soup or something.
However, if I get a long list of everything you don’t like then I won’t accomodate. And however polite you are, I will be offended if you pick at your food, move half to the side and don’t eat what’s on your plate.
I should stress that this has never happened, despite regular huge dinner parties & other ways of cooking for many people.
Part of the reason for the ‘rule’ (ok, it’s not a rule!) is my experience working with children, where it really did become a rule. Once the kids got used to eating everything, there would be just a few children who really didn’t like one or two things. They would learn to eat everything, except maybe tomatoes, or milk. Fair enough, once we knew they really didn’t like one particular thing, we could be a bit more lenient towards them. Again, after going through this with perhaps 70 children we would always find that there would only be one or two things they didn’t like. More is just picky and you need to get over it.
There are so many examples in this thread of people who first didn’t like tons of things and then realised they needed to try to get over it, and they did. Then there are people saying they don’t like squid, or don’t like bacon. I think that’s actually different: there can be one or two things you really don’t like.
I have a very keen sense of taste & smell (I know because a friend of mine is a professional flavourist & we did tests) and my one “thing” is ribena (& Vimto, black wine gums, basically all fake tasting black currant things). I told my friend it tastes of cat pee, and he told me that indeed there is a chemical in it that is the same as cat pee! Eek!
He meant: “It’s okay with me if you dislike a couple of things, but don’t give me a laundry list of ingredients that are off-limits.”
You “like this woman.” You know, when you can post a rant like that to an anonymous message board and you just “like” her, she isn’t worth it. Because if you only “like” her, her food whims will annoy you more and more over time - especially since its pretty obvious you grew up in a foodie household. If you thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread (or a sliced multigrain bun) with the little exception of she has this food thing, she might be worth keeping. Do both of you a favor and cut her loose. Unless the sex is REALLY awesome. OK, even then, the sex isn’t worth a lifetime of dinners where you are eating to her limited diet.
What about food neuroses? What about a digestive system that gets nauseated at the word nausea?
I eat a lot of things, but in general food just stresses me out. When I cook for myself I eat bland and predictable – plain whole grains, veggies, fruit, tofu, eggs. Having to eat other people’s food is traumatic, because I never know what will make me nauseous. Restaurants are easy because I get to pick, and nobody is insulted if I pick wrong. When other people cook for me it frightens me because it’s meant to be a nurturing gift and it is usually anything but.
This dates from earliest childhood. Because of the way we were fed, all my siblings have a degree of eating disorder. I’m in some ways the most sensitive so my quirks are magnified.
In this thread there is a great degree of hostility toward those who find it psychologically difficult to eat things others find normal. I don’t get this. If someone is afraid to eat something – or afraid to do anything – how helpful is it to get mad at them? How reasonable is it to despise people for being sickened by something that doesn’t sicken you?
Being polite at other people’s tables is actually another subject. I try very hard to be polite in that situation. It’s stressful, because there is a lot of smiling lying I have to do while being hungry and nauseated at the same time. I remember going hungry as a child all the time, as I would habitually lie and say I wasn’t, because of the high risk I would throw up if I ate that food. Almost all normal American kid food was in the category of making me sick: commercial white bread, bologna, hotdogs, mustard, canned tuna, marshmallows, mayonnaise, canned vegetables, . . . . I was very skinny.
You know what I loathe above all else about food? Talking about it. Or listening to other people talk about it. It makes my skin crawl with aversion. Foodies terrify me, because they love to luxuriously describe food to me and expect me to enjoy this.
So what am I? Despicable? Unworthy to live? Spoiled?
I’ve learned all kinds of workarounds for my nausea and fear. It’s probable that only my family and closest friends know about it. But I don’t expect it to go away. It’s me. Sorry.
How about “not a good match for someone who is going to complain about picky eaters?”
yeah, I can go with that. I’ve been married for 30 years and I can’t remember any complaints along those lines. But my husband isn’t a complainer in general. Division of labor.
All of this is the same for me. While reading this thread, my body tensed up tighter and tighter…all talk of food, eating socially, etc. drives me insane. The amount of theatrics I went through as a kid to avoid having to eat at friends’ houses or whatnot was ridiculous. I had always “just eaten,” even if my stomach was growling. I’m glad there is some scholarship coming out about selective eating disorder because at least I can feel legitimized in my sheer irrationality.
The fact of the matter is: yes, I could physically bring myself to eat other foods if I truly wanted to. But psychologically, it’s a nightmare. I have to take little steps- this potato to this potato, this meat to this meat, this combination of items to this combination…it’s really tough. I’ve gotten to the point where I can eat at almost any restaurant, save Indian, some Asian, and any place that’s just burgers or just sandwiches or similar. I hate trying to do any sort of catered event because it’s usually sandwiches with ingredients I can’t stand. Thanksgiving is a yearly disaster, dreaded for weeks in advance.
There are a lot of people in this thread who are very quick to vilify. And yes, manners can be controlled. But a lot cannot be controlled. Imagine the impending pressure that develops before EVERY meal with other people present. Imagine staring at table of food with that pressure, trying to do the calculus of how much you are capable of eating, whether two or three items is enough, whether someone will be dickish enough to mention your habits, whether you’re going to be able to find some food you can tolerate so you don’t starve until the next meal, whether that’ll be seen as rude if you get caught…it’s not pleasant. It’s a social disaster, and I can’t imagine anyone would willingly choose it.
You’re right. Wild caribou (IIRC) are fond of lichen and (at least to me) that makes for bitter and gamey meat. I’ve not had farm raised caribou, so if I did, I might change my mind. But then I’m one of those people who likes a good steak only once in a while. I mostly only eat turkey and chicken, with an occasional bit of pork, so red meat isn’t really on my “must have” list. 
I’m sorry about your food traumas Ulfreida. It does sound really horrible for you. Have you had counselling at all? I would certainly discuss this with your close friends, I’m sure they will be much more understanding than you would think based on this thread.
You see, I think it’s an entirely different thing to be picky or to have psychological problems with food. I don’t equate the two at all. One of my best friends has Aspergers and has some quirks whenever he starts to feel stressed. If it gets bad he can only eat certain things (they’re actually things he doesn’t even like). If it gets worse he stops eating and will sit under his desk for days.
To stop it from getting that bad we’ve noticed it helps to get him out of the house, around to ours and to chat about how it’s going and what anxiety he is feeling. Obviously, it’s also important he keeps eating. So I’ll make dry chicken breast, beans and potatoes, nothing can touch other food and there’s no gravy or sauce (well, we can have sauce, he doesn’t). This makes all the difference and soon when he feels better again he is back to being the biggest foodie there is.
I don’t think you should misunderstand the things people say in this thread to even apply to you. Obviously your situation is highly unusual. If you don’t explain the way you deal with food, it could be interpreted the wrong way and considered rude. I think lots of people who care about you would be very understanding. It’s totally different and unlike people who are either rude or picky because they have never learned to eat.
I hope in future you will find a way to get past your food problems and manage to find some enjoyment in eating, just because it seems like it does bother you.
And to be clear: I am no food Nazi. Only rude & ridiculously picky people I have no patience for. Tonight there’s a potluck at my house and I will be making 3 versions of my pasta salad: regular, wheat-free and pesto-free. There will be special bread for my wheat-free friend. There will be 2 types of hummus, lots of cumin and no cumin. Ulfreida, you’re invited to come along and eat anything or nothing at all and feel completely ok with that! 