OK, That does it. Non-hockey-fans, step forward to receive your high stick

The BBQ Pit
1

Look, I’m a big believer in “different strokes for different folks.”

I know hockey is largely a Canadian, Northern-Tier-of-the-United-States thing. So are The Tragically Hip. And you’re all morons for not liking either one.

[sub]Oops. Sorry. Slipped.[/sub]

Many is the time I’ve pondered what it is I’m seeing in both playing and watching hockey that you are not seeing. Since when do Americans not like speed, collisions, scoring that’s closer to baseball games than soccer, fisticuffs, blood and teams that genuinely dislike each other?

But, I shrug it off.

I’ve wondered how you could not be taken in by the most grueling, edge-of-your-seat, nails-gnawed-down-to-the-bloody-bones competition for a league championship in any professional sport, The Stanley Cup.

But, I take it in stride.

Then I learn that the NBA is about four or five times more popular. The league that consists of four guys from each team standing around on one quarter of the court, while the guy with the ball dribbles until the shot clock is down to 5, and then plays one-on-one with a guy from the other team, inevitably resulting in a whistle, long delay, and the most exciting 5 minutes in sport - the free throw.

And I’d rather give cunnilingis to Janet Reno after she spent an hour doing the Jane Fonda Workout than watch the last two minutes of a reasonably close basketball game. That whole foul-repeatedly-to-stop-the-clock thing, don’t you know.

Yes, this is vastly more popular than hockey. And yet, I grit my teeth, and I move on.

I guess I can see people liking football, baseball, basketball, better than hockey. Not everybody grew up developing frostbite in their toes on a frozen pond, playing shinny till they absolutely couldn’t anymore.

No more. Fuck it. THIS is the last straw.

I open this week’s issue of Sports Illustrated tonight. The one that has sat unread in my house for about the last four days. In it there is an article about the resurgence professional bowling is having on ESPN this year. Included in the article is this little aside comment:

Pro bowling is more popular than pro hockey?!?!?!?!? The “sport” that brought us bad slacks, worse shoes and love handles? [sub](Although I will admit it is somewhat redeemed by the beer frame.)[/sub]

How fucking stupid are you fucking people?

May postgame NHL jockstraps be friction-taped to your faces.

Thank you.

God Bless America.

And O Canada, We Stand on Guard for Thee.

2

Hockey’s a lame-ass sport, akin to soccer (that’s bad). Low scoring, long stretches of nothing but skating, goaltenders…meh. I’ll take my baseball, thank you very much.

Not that bowling is better than hockey, I’ll grant you that.

Mythos

3

I luuvvvvv hockey! Love it. Love it. Love it.
GO PENS!!!

…but the mullets have to go.

4

Now, now. Be kind to our southern neighbours. Just because they prefer bowling to an incredibly fast moving, hard hitting, continuous action sport does not mean that they should beel ashamed.

5

Basketball, I’ve always thought, is the perfect sport for most Americans. It’s the instant gratification sport. Points points everywhere. But I can sort of see why it’s more popular than hockey, since most Americans aren’t exposed to hockey while growing up. But bowling? Slow, repetitive, and very very visually dull. Hockey is fast, constantly full of action, and suspenseful (at least when it’s halfway decent).
FTR, I’m from New Jersey. (Not a Devils fan, though. Ugh. Let’s Go Rangers!)

6

I used to think it was because I didn’t understand hockey, then I learned the rules and still didn’t like it. I hear it is because it doesn’t fit nice on a TV screen, but neither does a basketball court, football field or baseball field. NOw bowling that fits, but I don’t watch it or hockey.

7

If it makes you feel better, I won’t watch any sport unless someone I know personally is playing.

8

I don’t mind hockey. Hell, some my best friends are hockey fans. I even watch hockey during the playoffs. However I don’t watch hockey during the regular season because the games seem so pointless. There are so many damn games - and it’s so easy to get in the playoffs - that they have diluted the importance of any individual game to just about zilch.

Granted, baseball and basketball both have a lot of games as well. I enjoy baseball, but don’t watch the regular season and basketball bores me to tears. Watching bowling is even more boring than watching golf, I can’t imagine why it’s televised.

Anyways my cure for hockey would be the following:

  1. Cut the season. Does it really need to last for 10 months? I think not.

  2. Install a hard salary cap (modeled on the NFL’s)

  3. Cut the number of teams that can get in the playoffs to 12.

  4. Change the name of the Detroit franchise to “The Big Losers Who Really Suck, Bad.”

9

High Stick?

That’s like a High Five, right?

Aw, shucks, ‘twarn’t nothin’.

Okay, I guess I’ll read the thread.

10

Bowling?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!

11

Which after contraction will turn into low-scoring, long stretches of groin-scratching…and lead to one of 6 teams winning in the end.

I would hardly say 16/30 teams in the playoffs is easy. In addition, I agree that every game isn’t as important as an NFL game, but without a real domninant NHL team there really isn’t a lot of time to simply “call it in”, especially against division/conference rivals. Besides, I am constantly enthralled with watching the fortunes of the Penguins…have to tune in to see if they or the WB/Scranton Baby Penguins (or worse, the Wheeling Nailers) show up :wink:

Well, I’d only agree to this one if they’d have something other than fucking baseball on during the summer!

[QUOTE]
2. Install a hard salary cap (modeled on the NFL’s)

As a Penguins fan, I’d heartily agree with this, but with the new parity that a salary cap would create then your argument about meaningless regular season games (and hence season contraction) would be weakened.

Well, as you’d have the same number of playoff rounds involved anyway (4), I hardly see how this would cut anything down. In addition, bye teams would have too great an advantage turning up fresh while another team had to bang their way through a previous series…the endurance factor of having to win another 16 games is part of what makes the Stanley Cup playoffs so wonderful.

I think the “Florida Marlins of hockey” would be a better name :wink: (at least Colorado did it last year with SOME homegrown talent)

12

High stick? I already have one. Porn sites, ya know.

oh, that’s not what you meant? :smiley:

13

If there is a hell, hockey is playing on all the damned TV channels. (I am a bit jaded, having experienced non-stop hockey for the years of my first marriage. I knew my now husband was the man for me when I said something about Mario Lemieux and he said “who?”)

Zette

14

A 0-0 score is abomination unto the Lord!!!
I went to minor league Hockey game with deb2world a couple weeks ago. It was pretty cool. Some of them boys got issues though.
But it will never hold a candle to my beloved baseball.

15

The Canucks invented basketball.

It was a fucking joke, people! We didn’t think you guys would actually make a sport out of it. If you hate sports, this game is for you. You don’t have to come to the game until there’s two minutes left.

Hockey, now there’s a sport. It’s got everything. Boxing, wrestling, golf, (you see those guys winding up for a drive at the blue line?) speed skating, football, (you gotta pass)… I could go on, but I’ll stop here with this observation:

If you don’t like hockey, you’re a subversive.

Either that, or you’re insane.

How about them Leafs? We’re not taking prisoners this year.

See ya in the playoffs.

16

Hmm hokey, NBA, bowling, TUWFOWR, (The United World Federation Of Wheelchair Racing) football, bah, I find sports ok to compete in, but to watch it on TV, I find that utter boring……

Good you get something out of it, but me…… Not fit to comment on the subject… uh go score yeah or something….

The Unbeliever

17

How could you miss? All teams are there.

18

I’ll admit losing to bowling is pretty lame, but I guess it would make sense; more Americans bowl than play hockey. Hockey is a peculiar sport for most Americans. It’s very difficult to pick up and play; it has 4 periods; it’s on ice; many of the players are Canadian or European.

Bowling is something all of us have done one weekend here and there; I would fathom that the majority of Americans bowl at least once a year, and millions once a week and in leagues. It’s like golf ans stock car racing- it’s pretty boring, but it’s easier for most Americans to relate to, since millions golf and are fascinated by fast cars.

Given the choice between watching bowling and paint dry however, I’ll take the paint . . and hockey.

19

Thanks Vinnie, Now I know what to do when there is sport on the TV watching paint dry! sounds better than football to me… :slight_smile:

Respectfully
The Unbeliever

20

One day we’ll teach you lot over the pond how to play cricket…

Now there’s a proper game - the true gentleman’s sport.

C’mon, were else would you find two teams playing for 5 whole days and still drawing the match - true genius!

:smiley:
– Quirm