You said you wanted a Pit thread that’s “stupid, over-generalized, and irrational” to give you something to sink your teeth into.
<< racking brain, searching for suitable target for clear-blue-sky, uncalled-for drive-by flaming. Subject must be above reproach, so flaming will be clearly understood to be only an introductory vehicle for SuaSponte’s tension-reducing rant. The subject must also have real potential to allow him to stretch himself, either pro or con, or else the exercise is pointless.
Hmm…Boy Scouts? No, too much potential for actual flaming. Lots of people hate the Boy Scouts.
Girl Scouts? No, too innocent. Only a psychopath would flame the Girl Scouts.
Santa Claus? Been done.
Ah.
Salvation Army bellringers. >>
[clears throat and r’ars back]
**Am I the only one who flinches every time she’s walking in from the Kroger parking lot and sees there’s a Salvation Army bellringer standing by the door? Who ARE these people, anyway? And how much money can they possibly collect? Isn’t enough that I shop at the Salvation Army all the time, and I support them by donating stuff, they have to make me feel guilty every time I go to the grocery store between Thanksgiving and December 26? Get out of my face, do-gooders! **
Okay, let 'er rip! [opens asbestos beach umbrella, spreads flame-proof picnic blanket, and unwraps sandwiches]
::::::::holding up hand::::::::::: yeah, and I can’t pass without putting money in the little red thingie either!! HOWEVER, they came out before Thanksgiving this year and at least for a whole week, I DIDN’T put any money in and didn’t feel bad either…[ah it’s the little weird things that give such joy! ;)]
DDG, you are just warped. How the fuck could you have any problem with the Salvation Army?!?!?!!
God’s sakes, look at what the SA does for us:
It makes militarism non-threatening;
It makes Christianity goofily fun;
It educates our children by placing Santas all over creation, thus causing children to doubt the existence of one real Santa. This doubt is vital to the development of sane, rational, joyless cogs in our economy;
It makes us appreciate the Musak-ed Christmas carols blaring inside the store/mall, 'cause anything sounds good after that monotone clanging of their bell;
It gives us a valuable economics lesson on planned obselence (sp?), by demonstrating in their used clothes stores that clothing becomes frayed, dirty, and out of fashion after repeated use;
Contrary to Andros’ barb, it gives begging a good name, thus advancing the social position of some of the most downtrodden in our society; and
I’m just guessing, but I think the money it collects does some good stuff (what, I’m not sure).
Despite all this you whine that they make you feel “guilty”. Damn straight you should feel guilty!! ***Giving once, twice, five or even 20 times is not sufficient! *** You must give until you bleed, then give some more. Ever stop and think that the reason you feel guilty is because you have given enough?! No, obviously not, you heartless, miserly bitch. I strongly suggest you look inside yourself and figure out what has made you into such a cold, callous person.
Either that, or do all your shopping on-line, and avoid them.
I hate how they hold the door open for you to convince you to donate money.
I always have to go out of my way to open one of the other doors so that I don’t feel guilty for not donating. I avoid those people like the plague. I don’t believe in charity unless it’s someone I know personally that really needs it (and is willing to accept it).
You’d be surprised. Here in the People’s Republik of Boulder, many places will not allow bell-ringing. The Salvation Army volunteers stand in the mall or front of King Soopers (Kroger) and wave little signs that say “ding ding”. HA! I get a bizarre pleasure out of watching them spin their little signs. It doesn’t have nearly the impact of that damnable bell.
I have to say I never donate to the Salvation Army.
If you look at their website you can barely make out their seal in the background, with their motto “Blood and Fire”. I can’t see donating anything to a group with that as a motto.
I hate the bell ringers, I will even avoid a store to not have to walk by one. I hate them when I’m not giving money AND I hate them when I am. All that said, I have great respect for The Salvation Army. In our community they are one of the few charitable organizations that expect work and resposisbility from the people they help. I should give them more money, but I wouldn’t give any if they didn’t stand outside the store with their damn bells.
I got my driver’s license when I was 16. I was also very carefree, careless and immature. One day I took off in my little Mazda and brought only $10 with me for gas.
I lost the $10 somewhere along the road and became trapped in a dinky nowheresville kind of town 100 miles from home with no gas and no money. I went to a gas station and plead my case. They called the police who took me to the local Salvation Army.
The Salvation Army gave me a $20 bill for gas, food and whatever and didn’t mention anything about paying them back. Can you believe this?!
They just asked me to donate to my local SA when I returned. I do every year.
Anyone who bitches about the Salvation Army gets a fistful of Sax upside the head.
[adjusting asbestos beach umbrella to compensate for changing angle of sun, heartless, miserly bitch finishes sandwich, unwraps angel food cake, and awards SuaSponte a 7.5]