If you think there will be plenty of flowers, by all means choose an alternate expression. But when my father died, I received no flowers. I was so distraught at the time that I didn’t notice, but later I thought WTF? Something from my co-workers, *his *former co-workers . . . my neighbors took up a collection and brought me some cash, which I thought was thoughtful but not necessary.
I agree! I don’t want flowers when a loved one passes away. I would appreciate a card letting me know a donation was made in my loved one’s name to a worthy charity, perhaps the cancer society if the cause of death was cancer or to the SPCA were it my mother as she loves animals. I’d find that much more meaningful than a bouquet. I think your meal preparation idea is lovely and thoughtful and actually took your time and energy. Good for you!
I specifically asked in Steve’s obituary for no flowers or food. There’s just me, so food would end up being the same burden as flowers when you get them in massive quantities (my extended family is so enormous, anything ends up massive quantities!). So, I just asked for donations to food pantries and animal shelters. People have been really positive about that, and positive even about me not doing a funeral or a wake. I expected more resistance, which I was dreading.
This is all a very long-winded way of saying that personal gestures and help are great. Food is great as long as it’s on a small enough scale that the family doesn’t get buried in food. And love and support are better than anything else, ever.
I think what you are doing is much better.
Another really kind thing is NOT saying “is there anything I can do to help?” Instead, say “how about if I do a load of laundry for you” or something like that. Your ideas of gas for the car or baby-sitting is really good, too.
God bless you for your kindness.
Regards,
Shodan
Wow, thanks so much for the validation! I was feeling all weirded out, but glad to hear my instincts weren’t too off. There’s just such a strong association with sending flowers, I was a bit worried.
I’ll be heading up there in a bit, without yet another arrangement since I’m sure they’ll have plenty. I’ve got a boatload of snacks to take with me, since I’m sure none of the family have left the funeral home all day to eat.
Hopefully, even if she won’t let me do anything more concrete to help out, just being there will help in some small way.
you are very thoughtful Queen Tonya. Flowers can cost a lot of money and pretty much all you can do with them is watch them wilt and throw them away.
The most thoughtful things done for me in the last 2 months since my brother died
1)a neighbor brought a whole bunch of Chik-Fil-A stuff for my kids because she knew they’d like it and I wouldn’t have to think about what to feed them
2)2 other moms at my youngest’s preschool made it seem like I was doing them a huge favor to take youngest to play with their kids on a non preschool morning, so I could just have some extra down time.
You’re a good friend! Hope all goes as well as possible today.
If you want to give the family something, and flowers and food have already been recieved, do what my mom does.
She takes family’s a stack of napkins, a box of plastic tableware, paper plates, disposable cups, and so on. They may have food, but who wants to wash dishes when you’re feeling depressed, or are busy with arrangements?
Years ago, at my grandmother’s funeral, a family friend came to the house as we were getting food organized, and handed us a full roll of 1st class postage stamps. At the time, we were a little puzzled, and thought, vaguely, “how nice”.
Days later, when it came time to send thank you cards and mail the multitudes of notices and forms that a death requires, these stamps were very much appreciated.
Since then, I’ve given families rolls of stamps, sometimes in addition to charity donations or flower contributions. They always comment on how welcome the stamps were.
When I worked in a funeral home people would send flowers to be placed by the body, and the family saw them only a few times. Then they buried the deceased, and we were to throw away the flowers. Often I took them home and gave them to friends.
I’m not the OP (obviously) but I want to thank everyone for their responses.
Over the years, I’ve done airport duty, the bereaved’s laundry, crazy/senile relative tending, cleaning, cooking (special thanks to a certain Doper who was once very understanding about his specially prepared Kosher dishes being pre-empted as funeral food), shopping, babysitting and envelope addressing, but I’ve always felt a bit selfish and rude for not also sending flowers.
It’s nice to know I may not have offended everyone I know.
Absolutely! In fact half the time the arrangments are left behind anyways-I know growing up my father used to bring them home all the time.
I think it’s a lovely idea!
I used to be in charge of sending arrangements for work for associates that died/had deaths in family.
I was given the advice at first and it has been told several times that they were really appreciated–the nice green plant. A lot of people hate the dead flower smell. One very very sad death in a coworkers family, she took all the green plants and made a garden of them and got to enjoy them (and the memory of her daughter) in a happier way longer.
I always try to do stuff that will help them in little ways. Thanks for the great idea about the stamps–I would’ve never thought of it.
When my father died, the flowers were nice, especially the houseplants. I didn’t hold it against people if they didn’t send flowers. In fact, very few people sent flowers, most people sent food. A lot of food. An entire cooked ham, chicken marsala (they knew it was my favorite), a whole lasagna, cheesey potatos, spaghetti, sandwiches, soups, and several salads. We really didn’t know what we were going to do with it all, but it turned out to be good, as people would be in and out of the house all day for the week or so after.
One of the more thoughtful gifts was a bunch of gift certificates for food places and grocery stores with a note attached that said “I’m sure you have enough food now. This is for later on.” I thought that was nice.
That being said, I think what you are doing is much nicer than flowers. Cooking a meal shows you took actual time, and thought, rather than just picking up an arangment at a store.
Oh yea, the cash thing was odd, too, but I guess as we were all younger (21, 18, and 17) so they felt it was an ok thing to give. I had never heard of giving cash before my father’s death.
People have been sending hundreds of dollars to my sister-in-law (my brother committed suicide in Dec. leaving her with three children, pregnant with a fourth). I think a lot of people felt stupid dropping $$$ on flowers when they could see that every dollar would help her.
Even when there’s not such an obvious need, losing a loved one cost lots of money. Besides funeral expenses, there’s travel expenses, often clothing expenses, and entertaining expenses (about 20 relatives showed up at MY house after my brother’s wake).
I love the restaurant and grocery gift certificate idea. Thanks for sharing it, I wouldn’t have thought of it.