oldscratch & rasa's journey - An update.

I just spoke to oldscratch and rasa. They ran into some problems in Utah. Apparently, they got pulled over for speeding. The cop arrested oldscratch and he’s now the boyfriend of some guy named Buba. Rasa was taken in by a Mormon family and is going to be bride #18 of a crusty old guy named Red. Both seemed equally satisfied with this development. :slight_smile:

Hypothetically speaking, if they hadn’t gotten pulled over in Utah, they’d be resting quietly for the evening in Winnemuca, Nevada - cultural center of the Universe.

Other items of interest that have come up on their journey:

In Cheyenne, Wyoming, if you order a salad as rasa did, it comes topped with Chex. Yes, the breakfast cereal. Corn, Rice, & Wheat even. No simple croutons here. You know those Wyomingers…they go all out!

According to oldscratch, civilization begins at Rawlings, Wyoming and extends WEST. Rationale? That was where he was first able to purchase Red Bull. Even so, he still hasn’t been able to find Screaming Energy anywhere.

It’s too bad about the developments in Utah. Otherwise, they would arrive in the bay area sometime late tomorrow afternoon…

Poor Rasa :frowning: And all this time she thought she was oldscratch’s one and only…what is she gonna do when she finds out about Bubba?

Hell how will Scratchie feel when he finds out that Rasa is only one of 18 brides. At least someone will have some adventures to tell us when they get on line…


Well, oldscratch and rasa showed up unexpectedly last night. They’re safe and sound and (mostly) none the worse for the wear.

It seems that oldscratch, while mostly content with Bubba’s affections, felt him lacking in the girth department. Bubba was definitely long enough, but oldscratch just didn’t feel that he would be satisfied in the long-term. So, he made a daring escape in the middle of the afternoon while Bubba was recovering from post-coital depression by turning sideways and sliding his scrawny ass between the bars of the cell. The only issue that slightly inconvenieced him during his escape was that the plugs in his ears hung up on the bars. He struggled for a moment, but then was able to pop them out one at a time and quickly make his escape. It was certainly a good thing that after being well-used by Bubba, he was still able to calmly walk out of the cell and out into the street with only a slight limp and a tiny pang of disappointment and remorse for what might have been.

He found rasa’s car with the keys in the ignition (This was Utah, you know. No one steals in God’s Country) and drove off slowly out of town. Down the empty and lonely Utahian road he sped, out into the great foggy expanse of God’s Country. Some 82 and 3/16ths miles from the town limits, he saw a crusty old gentlman walking down the shoulder of the road being followed by 17 wives and one young bride-to-be. The women ranged from ‘oh my god, is that pile of ancient skin actually breathing!’ to the young and nubile rasa. For indeed, it was rasa at the end of the line, the bride-to-be of Red the Morman.

As oldscratch whizzed by in rasa’s car, he felt the slightest pang of guilt for not stopping to see if she wanted to go to California instead of becoming known as **Rasa the Turnip Peeler, 18th Wife of Red the Morman. ** But alas, he was still deep in thought, wondering whether he was making the right decision in leaving Bubba. The dull ache of love in his heart and posterier throbbing gently as the miles ticked on.

At 82 and 9/16ths miles from the town limits, oldscratch pulled off to the side of the road to rest and take a sip of his Red Bull. It had finally reached the proper temperature (piss-warm) after being tightly squeezed between his legs for the past 82 and 9/16ths miles. Ahhhh…delicious, he thought as some strange dude with 18 women wandered past.

At that particular moment, rasa passed the vehicle. There was so much dirt from the land of God’s Country covering it that it didn’t look at all like the black VW she had started her journey on. It looked more like a tan Chevy Chevette than her own beloved vehicle.

More significantly (to this story at least), she caught a whiff of piss-warm Red Bull. Suddenly, it dawned on her. Life. In Utah. With Mormons (not that there’s anything wrong with people being Mormon). And…NO CAFFEINE!!!

Her heart started racing…a panic attack began to set it. She now had to make a truly excruciating decision. Life with oldscratch and caffeine (ahh, caffeine, coffee, soda’s, some liquid mocha syrup only available in Rhode Island that you mix with milk like Hershey’s syrup…Drinks of the Gods, all of them). Or, Life with Red the Mormon in Utah, God’s Country. After all Red was good :wink: and good to her. It’s peaceful in Utah. She’d be quite happy servicing Red on an 18 day rotation. Peeling Turnips the rest of the time. It would be a happy but simple life.

With a heavy heart, Rasa turned to Red, gazed longly into his eyes, and told him that drugs (i.e. caffeine and nicotine) were more important to her than fabulous sex every 18 days and the peeling of turnips. With a kiss on Red’s cheek, she fairly bounded to the car, leaped in, and snatched the Red Bull from oldscratch’s outstretched hand. Downing the Red Bull in a single gulp, she said, “Drive on, baby!”

Yes, it was true. oldscratch and rasa were re-united once more…

Camera pans back to Red the Mormon standing at the head of his column of wives watching the dust from rasa’s car settle to the pavement. He turns to his women and says, “Number 12, you’re up tonight. Number 3, back to turnip peeling.” The sun settles down low over the mountains of God’s Country as Red the Morman and his wives continue to trudge the remaining 2 12/57ths miles to their homestead…

Welcome back oldscratch! Welcome to California,rasa!

::wipes a tear from his eye:: Well, that was just… terrible. :wink:
Glad to hear they made it. Congrats Oldie and Rasa. I hope we hear from you soon. :slight_smile:

Crack’d, you are freaking hilarious, man!

Rasa, from one import to another, welcome back to Cali. :slight_smile:

Oh. My. God!

Crack’d is INSANE. And I mean that in the nicest possible sense of the word.

Well, we made it! Left Rhode Island on Thursday the 28th and drove pretty much straight through to Des Moines. We stopped in NY for dinner and met up with Maeglin and his girlfriend and a friend of his from high school. They sure like fencing! Maeglin and MerrySquirrels have a bunch of really cute cats too. Had dinner in a great place in Little Italy, and then we were on our merry way to Des Moines.

Stayed overnight in Des Moines, got about 12 hrs sleep, and took off for Cheyenne, Wyoming. Wyoming is one of those states that I forget about, living on the East Coast. It’s beautiful! Nebraska was… long. The cows broke it up some, but cows lose their interest after the first 10,000 or so. But Wyoming was amazing.

From Wyoming we went on to Nevada. This brought us through Utah. We really did get pulled over by a cop named Red for doing 100 mph in a 70 mph zone, but he let us go with a warning. Do you really think I’d consent to being Wife #18 to anybody? :wink: Utah is SCARY. No offense to anyone actually from there, but we drove through just that top little knob part. I have never seen such fog in my life! My entire impression of Utah is of fog, and salt. The Great Salt Lake is lovely I’m sure, but I couldn’t see it! And the salt desert is… eerie. Utah was eerie in general.

Once through Utah (we were afraid to stop!) we went on to Winnemucca, Nevada. It was night so I didn’t see the first half of Nevada. We spent New Year’s Eve in Winnemucca. Nevada looks like I’d expect, lots of desert, lots of casinos and neon everywhere. We watched the ball drop on MTV, then promptly fell asleep. Driving is tiring!

From Winnemucca it was about 7 hours to San Francisco. We hit traffic in the Sierras, so we lost about 2 hrs, but traffic was good in California so we made it here around 7 pm. The Sierras are incredible. My idea of a mountain is like the White Mountains in New Hampshire; this is a totally different scale. We got in to Crack’d’s place around 7pm, brought my stuff in, ate, and went to sleep.

So I’m here! My impression of travelling cross country? I enjoyed it. I don’t want to do it again for a long time, but it was an experience. It’s so different out here than back East. Rt. 80 goes all the way through middle of nowhere, America, and we took it from its start in NY to its end in San Francisco. Me and scratchie got along just fine, we didn’t kill each other and we’re still talking. I hear there’s a going pool on how long we’ll last… you all suck! :stuck_out_tongue:

I’d write more but I’m still waking up and adjusting to the idea that I’m really here… oy!

Yikes! I hope we weren’t that bad!!!


:::blushes::: why thank you. :slight_smile: I was rather delerious when I wrote it. Insomnia and all…

Wow man, i’m impressed, deep down, where i’m soft, like a Mormon.

Crack’ed… I read this this morning but didnt have time to post… I was fucking laughing from begining to end… Great story man. Cracked my fuckin ass up!
I can’t believe more people havent posted… thats a classic dude.

Actually, Maeglin, it sorta was… :wink:

Glad you guys made it! And 100 mph is the only way to make it through some of the Central/Central-West states…